Glee - 401 - The New Rachel

 Original air date: September 13, 2012

Folks, we are halfway through the entire series of Glee and I am not super hopeful for how this half holds up. The first 3 seasons were the best this show had to offer and there were so many issues. This is going to get bad, like so much worse. On top of the stories and themes getting worse, we also have to deal with new characters. Every single teen show has had to deal with this conundrum. Do you follow the original cast to college to diminishing returns or do you introduce new characters and stay in high school. Glee tried to do both and the results are not great. Let's dive right in and dissect what went wrong.

We start off in New York with Rachel. She's in dance class and struggling to keep up as her dance teacher barks orders. Her teacher, Cassandra July, is played by the lovely Kate Hudson. I've never understood the casting because I don't know if she's known for dance but I think she was a fan of the show and very excited to be here and it's always lovely to have her. Unfortunately, she's playing a mean teacher, much like Sue which means a lot of insults and in a dance class, a lot of body shaming. I feel like this is a thing that is accurate to the dance lifestyle so I can't really blame Glee for this one but I hate it. These young adults are all in great shape and are still being told that they're fat and need to lose a few pounds. I can't imagine the damaging effect that has on dancers, let alone non-dancers who see those people getting shamed and feel like a beached whale in comparison. I speak from experience, scenes like this made me hate my body and think I needed to lose weight when I really didn't. I wish we could move past this both in fiction and especially in real life. Rachel is also not for the body shaming and rolls her eyes at Cassandra who, of course, sees. She calls Rachel Little Miss David Schwimmer and tells her that her piques are pathetic and that she's on her list. This spells bad news for Rachel who tries really hard to do them better but ends up falling. Cassandra crouches down and Rachel tries to tell her that she doesn't need help up but Cassandra is not there to be helpful. She tells her that she sucks just in general. Looks like things aren't going very well for Rachel at NYADA.

Cassie is here to let us know that things aren't going to be easy for Rachel

We go back to Ohio and I'm immediately slapped in the face with the appearance of Jacob Ben Israel again. Weren't we done with him? Can't we be done with him? Please!? He sucks. He's not funny. He's gross. Get him off my screen. But they seem to love using him for the glee kid catch up thing and he's filling us in that the glee kids are now popular. Tina apparently has an assistant who she bosses around. The girls all love Sam's impressions, as they should. He's adorable. The big question from Jacob that he claims is on everyone's mind is "who is the next Rachel?" Confidently, Brittany, Blaine, and Tina all answer that they are. Oh...oh sweeties I have some bad news for you. Well, not Blaine, I'm sure he's still going to be super annoying and get a bunch of solos but the other two? Oh man, enjoy this two seconds of relevance for the season. Also, it's such a funny concept because like, Rachel is still here. In fact, we're going to her right now.

We go back to New York with Rachel where she monologues about missing everyone back home and missing Finn. She tells us that they haven't spoken in a few months which is ouch. She also has that trope of a roommate who sleeps around a lot but Rachel says that she seems nice so at least our main character isn't shaming her about it? She also reveals she gets shamed for her extensive nighttime routine so she has started showering at 3am when no one else is around. Let me tell you, you couldn't pay me to be up that late or that early. Also, she is not alone because there is a guy singing in the showers because coed bathroom trope! So, is it safe to say that Ryan Murphy has a hot guy in shower fetish? We have been introduced to so many guys this way. Finn was introduced in the shower, this guy, Sam was discovered singing by Finn in the shower, Uncle Jesse was introduced in the shower in Scream Queens. Lot of focus on their muscles too. Is this the queer version of the male gaze? I digress though because the guy comes out all wet and muscly and asks if she's a freshman. She says she is and is majoring in musical theatre. He is too but he's a junior and his name is Brody. He mentions that she must have survived her first class with Cassie and Rachel asks if she's always so mean. Brody thinks she's tough but she pushes them to improve themselves and her toughness got him on Broadway. Some people are motivated by harshness but how many talents do we lose because that only shuts them down? I hate the idea that you're only talented and made for the business if you can withstand abuse. How gross is that? I get that some people want to strive for greatness but you can push people without destroying their soul. I feel like this myth has persisted specifically because some people just enjoy being an asshole and are trying to rationalize it away as being "helpful" or "inspiring" and I don't buy it. Anyway, they bond over their moisturizing routines and the guy reminds Rachel that she's here because she's the best of the best and she should remind herself of that. He also spells out that he's straight, totally straight, because he knew she wanted to know.

Quentin Tarantino has a foot fetish well documented in his films,
This is definitely Ryan's fetish.

Cut to Rachel talking about it with Kurt who seems to think the guy sounds hot but Rachel is committed to Finn. Didn't they break up? Are they still dating? Maybe he just broke off the wedding? I mean then why haven't they talked in months? I don't know, Rachel, I don't think he's still your boyfriend if he hasn't spoken to you after dumping you on your would-be wedding day. She lies to Kurt about totally having a great time in New York and not being sad at all while Kurt says he's going back to McKinley, like a loser. He says he's going to meet the new addition but the new addition is Sue's baby. Let's be real here, he's scared to move on from high school and will use any excuse to go back because why should he care about Sue? Also, I completely forgot again that Sue was pregnant and thus would have a baby at this point. Her name is Robin, if you care. I'm sure Sue will mention her from time to time but I can't for the life of me remember how many times we see her again, if at all. We are also introduced to Kitty, who is clearly the New!Quinn and if you didn't get that, Sue helpfully informs us that she's like a young Quinn Fabray but not any of the things that made Quinn Fabray interesting. This is such a telling line considering what we know about Ryan Murphy and how much he hated the fact that Dianna made Quinn likable. He's like, finally I have a bitch cheerleader and guess what? She's not pregnant or depressed or in a wheelchair even though I did all those things to her! Kind of gross. Both Kitty and Sue point out how sad it is that Kurt is hanging around his old high school like some weirdo that just can't move past it. Kurt tries to say that he's starting Community College next week but Sue is bored and says she's tuned him out. 

Will excitedly announces the glee club back in session and says that while they lost some big voices, he'll do what he can to replace them and knows they still have lots of talent on hand. He also introduces Unique as one of their new singers actually building off that tease about her wanting to switch schools in last year's Nationals episode. I like this. You ask me, there's your Rachel right there but no, it's not going to be her either. The glee kids aren't as excited to see her though because they do view her as competition to be the next Rachel. Will doesn't want to hear it though because even though he totally did favour Rachel and use her as a lead to win competitions, he says there will not be a new Rachel. He thinks they will win as a group. Unique is all for the competition though because she's certain she is and she should be but she won't.

The kids agree to a throwdown. Artie is apparently the judge and they have to sing to him. Then he'll decide and they'll go as a group to tell Mr. Schue who the New Rachel is, even though he had no interest in having a new Rachel. Tina hopes she's the new Rachel because it's what she wanted and oh sweetie. Honey. I'm so sorry. It certainly would have been nice after the set up they did but you do not have that star quality to pull it off. Anyway, they decide that they're going to sing a song that Rachel would sing, the song of the summer Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepson. Oh man, this song is going to get stuck in my head again, isn't it? They all sing and to me, the clear winner of the competition is Unique but Artie doesn't make a decision yet. 

We cut to the glee kids in the coffee shop with Kurt. Kurt is excited for Friday because it's the glee auditions. No one else seems that jazzed and Kurt asks if it's embarrassing that he's more excited for it than they, who are actually in glee club, are. Blaine tries to play it off but Brittany says what we're all thinking, that it is. Kitty calls Kurt over to her table because he's now a barista at the coffee shop and her iced latte is too cold. His manager also chides him for not refilling the biscotti bucket. The glee kids slip out while Kurt is called back to reality. He's no longer just there to hang out with his friends, he has to work. 

We get a brief little scene with Cassandra July. She's approached by a student who tells her that he can't be her TA again this year because he got cast in Wicked as a flying monkey. Cassandra is super supportive and tells him that it's his first Broadway show and he'll never forget it. She hugs him and he tells her that her recommendation really put him over the top and he can't thank her enough. He leaves to go to his costume fitting and Cassandra stops fake smiling and immediately hits the booze. Uhoh, is Cassandra's meanness because she's a washed up has-been and is actually jealous of her students' future potential? Probably.

The glee kids are now chatting in the school cafeteria. They want to know who Artie has chosen but he hasn't yet. He's not as bad as Will though because he will eventually choose someone, it's just not gonna matter much. A new character approaches them and says her name is Marley. She's super excited to meet them and tells them she's auditioning. They're not that friendly to her and tell her she has stiff competition but they do wish her luck. Then they square in on Unique and tell her that she has to dress as Wade at school and these kids need to back the fuck off of her. This hurts my heart because she transferred here thinking McKinley would be more accepting. Unfortunately, Kurt and Mercedes are gone and she's left with these assbags who tell her she can't be herself. I'm disappointed in my boy, Sam. Kitty comes over with her cheerleading and jock friends to sit with them because the glee kids are popular after winning Nationals. She points out the lunch lady and starts a round of fat jokes because the lunch lady is a larger woman. They goad Artie to continue and he offers his own insult albeit, with a bit of discomfort. Marley is watching them with a sad look on her face.

Marley is not here for your shit, Artie

We cut to the kitchen of the cafeteria where Marley is talking to the larger woman because oops, that's her mom. She's sewing a designer label into Marley's secondhand clothes and saying she should wear it for her glee audition. Marley isn't sure she'll get in but her mother tells her she has "magic in her throat" which sounds weirdly dirty. I'm immature, what can I say? The mother then says that she'll meet Marley down the block because she doesn't want the other kids to know her mom is the lunch lady. This is all designed to make us feel bad for Marley but I'm just so confused. It doesn't seem like Marley cares all that much but her mom is bending herself in knots to hide their relationship. It's weird. Is it possible to go so out of your way to elicit sympathy for a character that instead it just comes across as pathetic?

We cut back to New York and Cassandra is still making Rachel's life a living hell. She tells her she's getting even worse and when Rachel says she's just having a tough week, Cassandra mocks her for being homesick. Rachel calls her out for picking on her but Cassandra rationalizes her behaviour as being "motivating" and says this in Rachel's face while breathing alcohol breath on her. Rachel recoils and Cassandra says it's just Listerine. She then says that she may not be young anymore but she can dance circles around them. Cue Kate Hudson dancing to and singing Americano by Lady Gaga. Once she's done, she tells Rachel that she's not just on her list, she is the list. Oops. 

Back in Ohio, we get a new round of auditions that we haven't seen since the very first season. First up is Stoner Brett, one of the mullet clad hockey jocks and he's rapping terribly. He should be a shoe-in with Will! Next we get a girl named De'Wanda which feels like a bit of a racist thing especially since she's another flop audition since she only dances "sluttily" and doesn't sing. Next we get a kid named Jake auditioning. He doesn't give a last name, I'm sure that won't be important or anything. He sings Never Say Never by The Fray or rather, he sings a part of it because Will cuts him off. Jake is upset that he doesn't get to finish because he's been practicing but Will says he's "seen enough" while barely looking up. Jake then knocks over a music stand angrily. Kurt says that's unacceptable but Will says he'll handle it. He asks Jake to pick up the music stand but Jake doesn't play by anyone's rules and he storms off. Hey, storming out dramatically is Rachel's thing, could Jake be the New!Rachel? Probably not but I just want to say, I hate Jake's introduction. I know he's a teen but that level of angry outburst does not endear me to him. However, Will's dismissive attitude is also annoying. I don't know how most auditions go but I thought, they let you sing a complete song to judge you fairly. He's also being rude and unprofessional. I mean, I feel like he is based on what happens later too but I don't have any experience with singing auditions so who knows? 

Back in New York, Rachel is finally taking Carmen's class so we see Whoopi again. Carmen informs us that this is the round room. The acoustics are perfect and there are no corners to hide in. She then tells us that the freshman students will have two chances to sing, the first time being today as their debut, the second at the winter concert but only if they're invited. Brody is also here and tells Rachel that this is also known as the Freshman Reaping. The first girl is called up and she only sings part of Ave Maria before being cut off and told that she didn't practice enough. Carmen says that she should go and practice more and then reapply in December. Rachel is freaking out and asking if she just got cut and Brody shrugs, saying it happens. Man, imagine the crushing embarrassment of that. You work your ass off, get in, possibly move to New York after paying tons for tuition, and then you're just booted out. Goddamn, that's awful. Is that legal? Do they have to refund you? I'm sorry, I'm focused too much on this nothing of a character when we're just meant to be nervous for Rachel as she's called next. Rachel gets up and says she's performing New York State of Mind by Billy Joel, popularized by Barbra Streisand. We also cut back and forth between her and Marley, who is auditioning for glee club with this exact song, so I think the show is flat out telling us who the New!Rachel is right now. Does she deserve this title? In my opinion, no, not at all. No shade to Marley or Melissa Benoist for portraying her, I just think she's pretty bland and not that special of a voice? She's a fine singer but if you want star quality, it's Unique for sure but whatever. Rachel and Marley finish their songs and they've both impressed their audience. Interesting that Will lets Marley finish and gushes over her. File that one away.

Will tacks his list up on the board. Interesting that they used to let everyone in because they were the good guys but now they're actually posting lists of who can and cannot join their club. I thought the whole point was to give kids self confidence and build them up, Will. You let Sugar join when she sucks, Will. Is it because she bankrolls your club, WILL?? Look who's not so much of a good guy anymore the second you taste a bit of championship victory. Anyway, Marley goes up to the list and sees that her name is on. She's super excited and Jake seems to be a bit enamored with her excitement too. She walks past him and looks at him curiously as she passes. He walks up to the list and honestly, he looks super hopeful and nervous and it breaks my heart that he's not on the list even though I knew that he wasn't going to make it on account of the whole anger issue thing. It sucks for him but also, lol. The ONLY new name on that list is Marley's. What happened to needing 12 members?? You know that you guys can have background characters within glee that we don't care about, right? You know you can have 12 members but only have 6 be the focus, right? Are you guys just hacks? What am I talking about? I've seen half of this show already, of course these guys are hacks. Jake rips down the list in anger and honestly this time, I kind of can't blame him. 

If they have an episode where they complain about not having
enough members, I'm going to scream

Kurt is organizing sheet music on the floor because he can't stop coming to high school. Artie rolls in and Tina presents him with a cupcake but says that it isn't a bribe because Rachel already told her she's the new Rachel. Oh, honey... Joe makes a rude comment to Unique about how she promised to only be her fabulous self when they were performing. Rasta-Christian can fuck right off. Kurt chastises them because the club used to be about diversity and inclusion. He also asks since when everyone cared about being the biggest star and lol. lmao. rofl. Seriously, Kurt? Tina calls him out and says that it's been like that since day one and he fought with Rachel over solos for 3 years. This shuts him up. They demand to know who the new Rachel is and Artie finally relents. He tells them it's Bland but we all know it's not really because it's totally Marley. Not only did the show showcase her singing in tandem with Rachel but Ryan even said he was recreating the original cast with new characters. This is a ploy that's happened since forever ago and it NEVER works. You cannot recreate the original cast, it's always going to feel watered down and also boring. We've already seen this show for 3 years. We still have a Rachel. We don't need a new her or a new Puck or a new Quinn. We have interesting characters already. It would have been nice to explore Sugar more. Bring Sam up to the front, he's a sweetie. Unique should get some time and she does, at least but my point is, we need interesting new characters to keep a show going strong. Not to rehash the same show but worse. Isn't that right, Saved by the Bell: The New Class? 

If I had a dime for every time I've used Saved by the Bell as a
comparison to Glee...I'd have two dimes but it's still weird I've done it twice now

Sugar compliments Marley's sweater and asks where she got it. Marley says J Crew but Sugar gives her a confused look like she's totally certain that sweater didn't come from that store because she's Sugar and of course she just knows these things. We then cut to Marley talking with her mom in the lunch room. Her mom would get in so much shit having her daughter in the kitchen without any proper health gear on and sitting on the counters as she prepares food for the whole school. Like, what the hell? But whatever, she's proud of Marley for being the only one out of everyone who auditioned to make it into the club. Marley says it was awesome and she feels accepted, finally. Her mom says that Rachel rode the glee train all the way to Broadway but Marley tells us that she doesn't want to be on Broadway, she wants to be a singer on the radio. Ohh, she's so different. Never mind you guys, she's not a Rachel clone at all */s. She confesses to her mom that there is one problem and it's that they were making fun of her. Her mom brushes that off though, because they're teenagers and tells her daughter that at her last school, she had no friends. She also tells her that this is her chance to be popular and she shouldn't blow it. Is it weird that I kind of hate her mom? She's supposed to be this uber sweet and caring mother who wants the best for her but all I'm seeing is a mom desperately trying to push her daughter to be popular because she never was and is giving her daughter all kinds of bad advice. Let me tell you this, high school feels all encompassing when you're in it but it's 3-4 years of your life and then you're done. It's not the be all, end all of your life. You will be fine if you weren't the most popular. Just focus on being you and making some good friends where you can. Find the place you feel comfortable and fit in and before you know it, it's all over and none of it matters anymore. Just survive it, get good grades, try to find your interests and have fun. Relax.

We next find Kurt and Blaine sitting outside in the courtyard of the school. Kurt tells him that even when Rachel was the star and controlling, she still made sure everyone felt included. Blaine takes this suggestion well and then gives Kurt some advice. Stop being a losery loser who visits his high school every day even though he's graduated. I'm paraphrasing but this is basically the advice. Blaine sugar coats it and says that Kurt is stuck and that he belongs in New York. He says that he doesn't need NYADA to be in New York. Hey, you know what was a big hit in 2012? Pitch Perfect. Do you know what song got big from that movie? Cups. Where Anna Kendrick sings a song as she does a little beat on a solo cup. Do you think Glee was a little jealous of that movie? Do you think that they were maybe a bit butthurt that it hit a lot of the beats that Glee did? Because guess what they do here? They do a big number where people do the cups thing but the song Blaine sings is It's Time by Imagine Dragons. Kurt is moved and they hug at the end and say they'll miss each other.

At the cafeteria, Blaine gloats about how he won fair and square so Brittany shouldn't stop singing. Brittany accuses Blaine Warbler of killing the song in her heart and it's a great line. Kitty mentions that they're making a float for a parade and since she can't have all white people on it, she wants to put all white flowers? I don't even know what the point of this racism is. One of the jocks, a black student I should point out, doesn't call her out on her grossness but instead says that they should use the lunch lady as their float. Sugar says that her boobs look like they're sacks filled with soup. Marley loses it and says that they're super mean and they don't know her. Kitty asks why she cares and Marley admits that the lunch lady is her mom. Whoops. Sugar looks suitably guilty as do the rest of the glee kids. Kitty just seems amused. Marley says she thought the glee kids were different and then storms off. 

Back in New York. Rachel is looking at pictures of Finn on her phone when Brody comes up behind her and asks if that's her boyfriend. She says he is and that they haven't spoken in a bit. Brody says he had a girlfriend when he first came to NYADA and they lasted about 6 weeks. Rachel says that won't happen to her and Finn and Brody says that he never said it would. He compliments her on how well she did in Carmen's class. Rachel says that's the only time she's felt she belongs in NYADA because everywhere else she just feels like she's alone and going to throw up at any moment. Brody tells her that it's because she's becoming a new person. He asks for her phone and says they should take a picture. I love that Rachel poses herself like a pro while he takes it. He tells her that she looks good and that she should stop fighting becoming her new self and that she should make new memories to go with her old ones. He then offers to walk her to class and I'm a sucker for a guy who offers his hand to me the way Brody does so I'm on board with him...for now. 

We cut to Rachel in Cassie's class and she is being super hard on Rachel, as per usual. She asks her to show her a pique. Rachel does so and Cassie tells her to do it again but center herself an she does. Cassie asks if she's going to roll her eyes at her now and Rachel says she won't but she will keep getting better and better until she's the best she's seen. Cassie laughs at this and says she likes her spirit because it will make it more fun for her to make her life a living hell. Wow, Cassie is a major bitch. I'm sure this was fun for Kate though. 

Burt drops Kurt off at the air port. Kurt thinks he should stay in Lima and save up some more money but Burt encourages him to go on this new adventure. He says that Julia Roberts sold shoes in New York before she made it and if that's good enough for Pretty Woman, it's good enough for Kurt Hummel. Aw, I love that Burt uses a reference that will appeal to Kurt. He also tells Kurt that he will feel at home there because New York is full of people who dare to be different. Best Dad Ever. I love it and Burt even says that he can always come back. Though, he mutters that he won't because he's certain Kurt is gonna make it. He then breaks down crying in the car. I love Burt. 

Burt is truly the best character

Of course it's Sam, the sweetest character ever, who approaches Marley to apologize for the glee club's behaviour. He also says that he knows her sweater is from Wal-Mart and that her mother sewed the J Crew label in. She asks how he knows and it's because his mom used to do the same thing for him. Aww, remember when Sam was homeless? Of course he understands Marley's insecurities. Why isn't he the leading man in this? Sam tells her that she's a great singer and she belongs in glee but Marley feels really uncomfortable with how they treated her mom. Fair. The rest of the glee kids show up and also apologize for how they behaved and Blaine invites her to sing lead vocals with them at their rehearsals to make up for it. Unique mentions that glee club is special because they don't care that she dresses like a woman except for the part where they did and both Blaine and Joe told her she shouldn't because they suck. Marley says that she also doesn't want to sit with the cheerleader any more and Kitty shows up right on cue to say that's fine with her because she doesn't want to sit with Unique. What a bitch. The two jocks then douse Marley and Unique with slushie thus restoring glee club back to the bottom of the totem pole. 

Will gets a folder from a secretary and he looks through the file. We then see Jake enter his office and the truth comes out about him too even though this wasn't a big reveal because they also teased this but Jake is Noah Puckerman's younger half brother. Jake says he worked really hard on the song and he didn't even let him finish. Will says that they perform in front of hundreds of people and sometimes get booed and he asks if Jake will throw a mic stand at them too. Jake says he's angry but he has a right to be. Will says that he has to get the chip off his shoulder and reveals that he didn't let him finish because he knew after the first verse that he wanted him in the club. Uh-huh. Sure, Will. Except that you let Marley finish and you openly gushed about how good she was, meanwhile when Jake performed, he coldly stopped him, barely looked up and said that they had a lot of people to get through. Sorry, but I don't buy that Will wanted him and if he did, he probably should have made that clear. Usually an abruptly stopped audition means you tanked it so can you really blame Jake for getting upset? I mean, I don't really like Jake at this point but Will was being a gigantic dick. Will does tell him that he's good and Jake seems happy to hear this but then refuses to change himself to sing for Will. He isn't like his brother. Ok, there Jake. I'm sure you're super edgy and badass. What an edgy boy, yes you are. 

Marley shows up to the rehearsal but is apprehensive at first about joining them. She sings Chasing Pavements by Adele and is soon pulled in with the rest of the group as they all perform the song together. Jake watches them from the back of the auditorium, also seeming to be wrestling with if he should join or not. We cut between this performance, and Rachel sitting alone in New York as she contemplates calling someone. She calls Kurt and he asks why she sounds sad. She tells him that she lied and that she's not ok as she fights back tears. She tells him that she misses him and everything and that her dance teacher is a monster and she can't go to her dorm room because her roommate is sleeping with the whole school. Kurt says she should move out and find a new roommate. She laughs at this suggestion because who would she even move out with? Kurt tells her to turn around and there he is. Is it super contrived that he knew where she would be? Yes. But am I a sucker for how happy this reunion made Rachel and also me? Also yes. 

They do a great job selling us on their friendship

Things are looking up for Rachel now and Marley has found her place to belong. How will the rest of the show work? Well, we're going to be doing a lot of jumping back and forth between Lima and Ohio and from what I remember, I really just wanted to see the New York stuff. Honestly not a horrible start for Glee 2.0 but also not that interesting of a start either. Like I could care less about the Ohio people right now. Their stories are boring. The New York stuff? It's new and it's interesting to me and I really wish we'd gotten that spin off that only focused on New York. Damn you, Ryan Murphy. We were already powerful enemies and this did nothing to help your case. Next time we look at...oh god, no, it's Britney 2.0. I swear to god if they bring back Jacob Ben Israel and his gross butt sweat I am noping out of this show forever. WTF?