Glee - 318 - Choke

 Original air date: May 1, 2012

Choke is such an interesting episode to me because it's quite daring but the payoff isn't actually worth it in the end. Is this a good episode? Hard to say, it's certainly good drama in the first watch but on consecutive watches, it just kind of feels lame because we know what's going to happen. This isn't news to anyone that's followed my Glee recaps but this is an example of bad writing. I know how things go in the early seasons of Dawson's Creek but I'm always engaged and excited through every recap because (usually) the payoffs are still worth it and the story is good. This episode feels like the writers trying to throw a curveball because they know they're being predictable only to end up doing the predictable thing anyway because they're too scared to deviate from their plan.

We open the episode with a very iconic and classic Rachel Berry monologue about being a fantastic star. She tells us that NYADA auditions are this week and she is more than ready for it. We even get a glimpse of her on her eliptical and looking at her dream board which has a piece of paper with NYADA written on it. She tells us that she avoids drinking milk (makes her throat phlegmy), touching doorknobs (spread germs), and kissing (also germs), to prepare for her audition. She also is practicing her gold star death stare at any person who she thinks represents something that will try to stop her from achieving her dream. She is ready and she is going to crush her audition, she swears.

I like this bit of character continuity. Makes me miss season 1 Rachel

Finn approaches Puck about a conversation he was having with a sophomore student. Puck makes a gross comment about how he calls dibs on all the girls who's boobs aren't done growing yet which plays even more gross considering Mark's certain preferences towards very young children. Like, I threw up in my mouth hearing him say that. These jokes were never good but oh god do they hit even worse now, on a whole new layer of yuck. Anyway, Finn doesn't care about the girl, he cares about the conversation they were having about how he's failing school. Puck isn't too worried about it but Finn says that even if college isn't for him, graduating high school is kind of important. Puck says he just needs to pass a geography test and he'll be fine and to do that, he says he's going to seduce his teacher which is gross. Par for the course for this character. Can't wait until he shows up less.

Brittany has learned that she actually has to do something as student president such as throw another prom. She needs to come up with a theme and thinks they could do alien abduction as a theme. Honestly, at least she's original. Santana sees Coach Bieste with a black eye and the girls start mocking her, saying she got hit by her husband and wow is it cruel. Cruel even for Santana who's been established as rude and bullying. Also, who the hell thinks to do that? To a teacher? I know I was a goody-two-shoes in that I was quiet and fairly well behaved but I would never dream of talking to an adult like that. I would never dream of talking to anyone like that but especially not my teacher. This feels very not real and manufactured. I don't know, maybe you went to school with absolute shits who did this type of thing but I don't recall anyone mocking a teacher to their face like this. The most I saw was kids being a dick to janitors which makes more sense but is a really shitty thing to do. Why are teens? Where was I? Ah yes, the kids must learn a lesson this episode so they have to be uncharacteristically awful here and Roz Washington and Sue of all people are going to school them on how not funny it is to make fun of a woman getting hit. While condemning the girls for mocking Shannon, she proceeds to give the girls insulting nicknames so it's like the blind leading the blind out here only they're way more capable than this. 

We then cut to Sue talking to Roz but calls her "Black Sue" because that's the only joke with this character, apparently. Roz insults Sue for being pregnant and once again makes jokes about how her baby is just going to come out as a demon. They are soon joined by Will and Shannon and they tell them about how the girls of Glee, minus Rachel and Quinn, were making jokes about domestic violence towards women. Will is shocked that any of his kids would do such a thing and Shannon is equally aghast that they think she got hit and explains she was at the gym punching a speedball and got hit by that. Sue says that Will doesn't have to worry because "John Goodman, Black Sue, and Original Recipe Sue" are going to take care of it for him. I'm putting those lines in to really drive home how ill prepared this show is to handle such a serious topic and also to really drive home how mean people are to Shannon who doesn't deserve it. 

We then cut to Kurt practicing Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera for his audition. We only get to hear the ending bit of it but he sounds ok, definitely not great. Blaine loves it but Kurt isn't so sure. He doesn't think it's risky enough to show that he really stands out. Tina is playing the Christine to his Phantom and states that her foot fell asleep and wants to go walk it off which reinforces Kurt's belief that his performance is boring. He wants to start from scratch with something edgy and completely unpredictable.

Puck tries to hit on his teacher who is far less grossed out than she should be by this. She's also giving the weirdest reason not to and I just think that's gross. The show has her being tempted but only refuses because she can't be bought and that's the weirdest message to send to anyone about this topic. This is the same season we had to endure Puck and Shelby and not one time did they correctly identify the issue with a relationship like this. Also, can we please depict an adult who is not interested in a teenager and to flat out say that? How hard would it have been for her to say "Noah, you're a child. No." Which I know sounds funny because Mark Saling is 30 and looks every bit of it and more but it should be said. The teacher tells him to just crack a book open and study but Puck says he's too dumb for that. The teacher says he isn't dumb, just lazy and this sets Puck off on a rage filled rendition of School's Out by Alice Cooper. 

Roz, Sue, and Shannon have the girls in to talk about their terrible joke. The girl's argue that they didn't really think Shannon got hit and that they would know better than to be with an abusive guy and just leave. Roz explains that it's not always that cut and dry and sometimes the abuser is not obviously bad, they can be very charming and make it harder for their victim to escape. The girls aren't fully grasping things so the three teachers assign them a song to sing that is about female empowerment against an abuser or something. 

Mike asks Blaine for help with how to gel his hair and this entire bit is here entirely because everyone in the fandom clowned on how much they cemented his hair to his head this season. Like, the gel is bad but they're making a goof out of it so they acknowledge they heard it without actually changing anything because rumour has it that Darren is balding and they needed to cover that and glue it down so that you didn't doubt he was in high school. It's just a rumour but I'll tell ya, I kind of believe it because there is no reason to use that much gel on him when they didn't before. Anyway, Finn comes into the locker room where the guys are hanging out and points out that Puck is missing. Finn tells everyone that Puck might not graduate and gets all the guys to agree to help him pass his final test.

Rachel goes to Kurt and tells him that he's making a huge mistake. Blaine told her that he's going to sing Not the Boy Next Door which she deems too controversial. I have no clue because I don't know this song or what musical it's from but it apparently won Hugh Jackman a Tony so cool. Kurt wants to do something exciting though so Rachel brings up the much more valid point that he hasn't rehearsed it enough. She then accuses Kurt of self-sabotage, She thinks that he's worried he won't get in and is picking a new song so that he can say that it was because of the new song that he didn't get in. Rachel says that she believes in Kurt and she believes in his original song because it's his Don't Rain on My Parade, which she's singing for her audition since she's sung it since she was 2. She believes in him so much, she's going to be his Christine, even though this is an audition which doesn't require scene partners or costumes. Glee is weird sometimes. 

Don't do this. It's an audition not a performance

We cut to Santana, Mercedes, Tina, and Sugar performing Cell Block Tango from Chicago which is a very fun number but how we got it is bizarre. They had to be uncharacteristically mean to Shannon so that they'd be punished by having to sing a song about fighting back against abuse? Whatever, this performance is awesome but Shannon starts to have flashbacks to a fight with Cooter and surprise, he actually did hit her. She rushes out without a word and the girls stop singing. Roz tells them they butchered the song but also missed the point of the assignment by singing a song about murdering men for chewing gum. 

Sue and Roz confront Shannon and are ticked she just up and left when they had to sit there and listen to the girl's awful performance. The one thing I'll never understand about this show is the running joke where everyone thinks the glee club suck when they're all clearly professional singers. Shannon confesses to them that Cooter hit her but that he apologized right away and felt really bad about it. Roz makes a crack about her being as big as a house so why didn't she fight back and this is the woman that was self-righteous about not making jokes of domestic violence victims. This is not the show to handle this topic. Sue tells Shannon to leave the house and come stay with her until she figures out what she wants to do. Shannon doesn't want to leave because she's scared no one else will love her. I hate that Shannon finally got a love interest and he's immediately an abuser. I just want her to be happy. To add insult to injury, Sue tells her that she has a tent she could loan Shannon to wear if she can't get her clothes tonight. This show needs to shut the fuck up and be kinder to Shannon.

Puck is cleaning a pool when a lady comes out to proposition him for sex. He declines this time because he wants to keep things legit or something. Look, in the context of this scene, where this is an 18 year old being paid to clean this woman's pool, it's not up to him to keep things legit. She's being gross. Anyway, he says he's leaving town tomorrow to get a head start on his business in LA. He doesn't need school, he thinks. She doesn't really care other than she'll miss his abs. Puck is about to go when he sees his father. 

Finn and the guys are making a plan about how to ambush Puck and force him to study. It's a dumb plan that I won't recap but I will say that it involves Artie rolling himself into a pool so A+ for effort. Puck tells them about his dad and how he came to him to ask for money. Puck gave him most of what he'd saved to go to California and he thinks this means he will never see his father again. I got news for Puck, once you give someone money once, they will be back to ask for more. The point of this debacle is that Puck knows his dad didn't graduate high school and is a loser so it has now given him the motivation to graduate. He asks for their help to study and they agree but I'm kind of sad they didn't go with the plan where Artie has to jump in the pool. I really think that would have helped. 

Rachel is pumping Kurt up for his audition. He's dressed in full Phantom costume which is absolutely ridiculous. If you have dreams of becoming a star and auditioning for Broadway, do not show up in full costume, you look silly. Also, you really don't need props and back up dancers, it's supposed to be you showcasing your voice. Theatre is for the theatre, the actual performance. Anyway, Rachel tells him that their adjudicator is Carmen Thibideaux who is apparently a legend in the Glee-verse Broadway scene. What I'm getting is that this is if Patti Lupone or Bernadette Peters were your judge and yeah, that's got to be very intimidating. Kurt goes out when his name is called and nervously introduces himself and the song he's going to sing. He then asks if she hears that a lot and she confirms she does along with The Impossible Dream from La Mancha and Being Alive from Company. Kurt then says that he's changing his song at the last possible second (don't do this either. People need to have your track ready to go) and he brings out Brittany and Tina as dancers which again, don't do this. It's unprofessional. An audition is supposed to be you solo, showing your vocal range, nothing else. Dress nice, pick a song that best suits your voice and sing. Anyway, he performs Not the Boy Next Door from The Boy From Oz and he sounds much better on it than Music of the Night so good choice over all. Carmen is also impressed and tells him that Hugh Jackman would have loved what he did with the song as well as congratulates him for making such a bold choice. Kurt is thrilled.

It's Rachel's turn and she is ready. More than ready. Finn comes in to wish her luck but she has this. She's called out and starts belting out Don't Rain on my Parade from Funny Girl but she can't remember that the sun is a ball of butter and starts over. She still forgets that the sun is a ball of butter and splutters for another try. Carmen is fresh out of tries to give and tells her that if you forget your lines on Broadway they give your role to the understudy. Carmen peaces out as Rachel breaks down, begging for another chance. Whatever you have to say about Lea, she is killing it in this scene. I am heartbroken for her:

Now that's a cry face. Take notes, Dawson

However, I hate this storyline so much because it doesn't make sense for her to choke and it really doesn't go anywhere anyway so what's the point? My argument is that IF they have her choke, she shouldn't have gotten in to NYADA and next season should be her in NY with Kurt going to NYADA, while she tries to make it her own way. But because it seems so unrealistic that she'd choke like this, I tend to agree with my friend Lucas that she shouldn't have choked but maybe Carmen could tell her that the song seemed to be too easy for her and she didn't know about her yet. This would still spur her on to get Carmen to see her at Nationals and Bob's your uncle, Carmen is impressed, she gets in to NYADA. After all, the show is mainly about Rachel. Like it or not, love other characters more, she is the focus and who is the audience more likely to follow to NY and into college? This show has too many characters to really be a good ensemble like Dawson's Creek and even they bungled their extra characters and focused too much on one. Being realistic, Rachel was always going to get into NYADA. I applaud them attempting something different but having Carmen simply be unsure about Rachel would be enough. Still, Lea nails that helpless pleading so at least she gives her all even when the script is less than great.

The guys are helping Puck study. He asks Finn how Rachel is and he's confused about how she choked, aren't we all? He also says that she wants to be alone and her fathers are sitting shivah which, if you don't know, is what people of the Jewish faith do when someone dies so, Rachel's not doing great. I mean, she's not dead but she certainly feels as if her dream is. Finn pushes Puck back to studying and asks him where in Spain receives the most rainfall. Puck doesn't know but they urge him to try so he says that it falls mainly in the flatlands, the plains. They get excited and urge him on breaking into The Rain in Spain from My Fair Lady. This is dumb because the Rain in Spain is a song that is more like speech therapy than a geography lesson. It's a rhyme to help you pronounce words much like She sells seashells by the sea shore. If you're curious, the rain in Spain actually falls mainly in the mountainous North. Doesn't sound as catchy though. The guys do a punk rock version which isn't terrible but feels pointless and it's probably because I really hate Puck and I don't care if he graduates or not. Sorry not sorry.

Sue confronts Shannon to fat shame her, no sorry to ask her why she didn't spend the night at her place but it's hard to tell when Sue keeps talking about ruining her tent by putting a neck hole in it and saying she has 9 whole chickens in her fridge for her. I'm so done with the fat jokes against Shannon this season, it's constant. It's every scene she's in. It's not right. Shannon apologizes to Sue for not calling but she was moving her stuff into her sister's house last night. Sue is proud of her and says what she did is really hard but Shannon thinks what she's about to do will be harder. She goes to the girls and tells them what she's been through. This show still can't resist ridiculing Shannon though because Santana asks if Cooter broke his hand. For a show that was mad about girls mocking domestic violence victims, this show is sure doing a good job of mocking domestic violence victims. Anyone can be a victim, size has nothing to do with it and I wish this show actually stuck by it's messages rather than just being preachy while not putting what they say into practice. Shannon tells the girls that they opened her eyes and maybe even saved her life. She thanks them and all appears to be good.

Puck is writing his test and the first two questions are conveniently from the song but the third isn't in the song so he starts to get flustered. When he's done, Finn asks him how he thinks he did. He says he did his best. Sam asks if his head hurts because sometimes his head hurts after a test and it's usually a good sign. Puck is thankful that they all helped him out because he didn't have a dad but he's lucky that he has a whole gang of them. He then says this show's favourite line, that they all taught him to be a man. Everyone in this show is teaching everyone to be a man and yet, none of them act like it. Except Burt, he's MVP always. 

Santana, Mercedes, Tina, and Sugar have asked Shannon to the auditorium and finally apologize to her. It's about time someone treats Shannon like a human. They seem to only be sorry for making the joke because it was actually happening to her but like, it was rude either way to me. At any rate, they say they owe her a song and sit her down to serenade her with Shake it Out by Florence + the Machine. It's very nice and Shannon is moved. They all hug it out as she thanks them.

Shannon deserves more kindness like this

Kurt finds Rachel and tells her that Carmen is a bitch who should have let her start over. Rachel did get a chance to start over though but Kurt clarifies that she should have let her start over a second time because she killed the beginning of the song. He also says he wouldn't be surprised if she gets in on just that bit but Rachel stops him. She appreciates his moral support but she knows she blew it and is not getting in. Rachel says that he and Finn will be great in New York and Kurt says that she's coming too but Rachel doesn't look too sure. She asks if they can stop talking about it though because she's very tired of talking about it and being sad. Kurt says he loves her and she says she loves him too. We then get Rachel singing Cry by Kelly Clarkson to close out the sad episode.

I don't hate this episode. There's some good things here, I really do think it just fails in terms of rewatchability since the choking plot feels out of nowhere and also doesn't have a great payoff so it feels more like a time waster than anything. Still, Lea was very good at being crushed so she does make you feel how awful that type of thing would be. The lesson, if you can call it that, with Shannon and domestic abuse was handled very clunkily. I don't think a show like this can really get preachy about anything involving bullying, name-calling, or joking about controversial topics when it constantly does all of those things. It really makes the message feel hollow. And no one cares about Puck. I said what I said. Next week, we get to see the crazy prom that Brittany has planned. Prom-a-saurus is coming up.