Glee - 313 - Heart

 Original air date: February 14, 2012

Welcome back to Lima for this very special Valentine's edition of Glee. Surprisingly, this is one holiday they actually, sort of, kind of, seem equipped to handle. It's better than Extraordinary Merry Christmas, ok? It's not a high bar but this holiday special passes it into somewhat fun but it's not without its issues so let's explore.

Will has decided that this week's "lesson" is love songs and that everyone is going to pick the world's greatest love songs and perform them for anyone who wants to send a Valentine. This is going to be to raise money for Regionals. The kids are not happy about this but then Sugar stands up and hands a wad of cash to Will to cover the cost of travel. Will doesn't want to take it but we are all relieved at this development and Will finally agrees to take it so they don't have to pretend they're poor and can't afford costumes and travel anymore. That gimmick has long since sailed. Thank you, Sugar. She then tells everyone to look under their chairs, except for Artie because his chair kept rolling, so she hid it in the wastebasket. She loves Valentine's Day and so her father has rented out Breadstix for her to have a party and they're all invited. She's also calling it the Sugar Shack. She doesn't want single people there though, because they're boring and sad. She's single but she won't be for long so it's cool, according to her.

Rachel and Finn meet up at the auditorium because they both got notes telling them to meet there, Rachel's note purports to be from Mandy Patinkin and legit, I'd be freaking out excited about that too. Instead, we are treated to two men singing Chapel of Love by The Dixie Cups. These men are Rachel's dads. Gone are the two men from the joke photo of the first season, replaced by stars Jeff Goldblum, playing Hiram Berry and Brian Stokes Mitchell, playing LeRoy Berry. They have heard that Rachel and Finn are getting married and are confusingly delighted. They bicker because bickering couples are funny and endearing, I guess but they wave away the kids' worry about them finding out because they are excited to plan a wedding and want to host the Hudson-Hummels for dinner. Rachel and Finn are delighted. This is weird but also sus. I know it's sus but it still comes across as uncomfortable at this point.

Rachel's dads got plastic surgery?

We are then taken to a meeting of the "God Squad" which is run by Mercedes and attended by Sam and Quinn. Also there is a new guy here who gets a detailed introduction. His name is Joe Hart and he's the most Christian Christian to ever Christian but he also has dreadlocks but he names them after bible books? And he has tats somehow as a homeschooled minor but it's ok because they're bible quotes. You're telling me a religious homeschooled kid was allowed to get tattoos and wear his hair in dreadlocks? Ok. Also, I cannot take white guys in dreadlocks seriously, I'm sorry. Ras Trent just plays in my head every time I see this guy.

I should also note that this guy who plays Joe Hart is the second winner of the Glee Project. I don't know why they waited longer to introduce him, maybe because the kid who plays Rory actually won but then they also liked this guy so they gave him a prize too? Wait...are RIB actually Will Schuester? They can't actually do their job and pick one winner so everybody has to win? That's fucking hilarious. It also means that a show already bloated with characters, we are now stuffing more characters in that we'll never have the time to get to know or care about. It astounds me how long this show kept going but I kept watching so joke's on me. Anyway, this Joe guy also wants to take his shoes off since he's used to going to school barefoot and I side eye Ryan Murphy so hard. Can directors stop using their position of power to make actors act out their weird fetishes, please? I hate it. Sam is happy that there is another guy there and points out that Shane isn't a part of the God Squad. So, Sam is only here for Mercedes, got it. I'm sad Quinn is back here when it feels like she moved past this since religion really contributed to her trauma through this whole series so far. I guess we're sliding back though. The God Squad then decide that since the Glee kids aren't going to sing to people, they will steal the idea and sing valentine's and use the money for charity. It's a nice idea even if I hate this group and the whole revival of this religious club thing.

Puck is being gross about having sex with all the women in a sorority, a trope I loathe and don't really believe ever happens. May be one in a million but most people don't have the same tastes in other people so I don't buy every girl wanting to do the same guy. I just don't. Especially not Puck with that dead rat on his head. Of course, Rory thinks he's amazing because he's a weird little sex pest. The writers really did this kid dirty, I'm sorry Damien, it's not you, it's your character. He's terrible. Kurt says that Puck is missing out on true love because Blaine has been sending him a constant stream of cards all signed from a secret admirer which he thinks is super romantic. He even get a gorilla gram from this secret admirer. He asks Rory who he's taking. Rory wants to take Sugar but Artie tells him to back off because he wants to take her. Didn't she completely reject him already? Why does he think he has a shot? Why does he want to have a shot with someone who thinks his disability is a hinderance? Kind of toxic. Honestly, Sugar is getting screwed here in choice if these two are her only options. And they will be her only options because this show is written by men who always fail to understand that just because two guys like a girl, doesn't mean she likes one or either of them. Artie says that no one understands Rory and he comes back with an offer of a four leaf clover, because he's Irish. *sigh* I really wish they had a twist on this where she picks neither but again, this is written by men. As long as they show her attention she *has* to pick one. 

We cut to Mike and Tina performing L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole and it's the cutest thing. I'm always here for a Harry Shum Jr performance. However, the entire performance we get a montage of Rory and Artie fighting for Sugar's affections. She seems to be adoring the attention which fits for her but again, how is this a competition? She already rejected Artie, as anyone should because his personality is awful. So far, it looks like Rory is winning but either way, Sugar loses.

Brittany approaches Santana with her computer because she made her a playlist of all the songs she thinks of when she's with her. She wanted to make a CD but this is as far as she got without help. Santana is touched but a bit confused when Brittany shows her the list and like, oh my god. It's a collection of some of the dumbest songs. We've got Purple People Eater, Disco Duck, Monster Mash, On Top of Spaghetti, Pac-man Fever and Osama Yo' Mama (both of which I've never heard of) and finally, Diff'rent Strokes. Santana thanks her anyway and they go to kiss but Figgins calls them to the office to tell them that they can't kiss in public. Santana calls bullshit on this, and I agree. The amount of times straight couples in high school made out in the hallways at school was insane and they went forever. Not just pecks on the lips. Figgins lets it slip that the complaint was religious based and of course it was. Santana says it's a double standard and storms out. I'm 10000000000% on Santana's side here.

At glee club, Finn and Rachel announce their engagement and pretty much no one is supportive. Puck asks when the baby's due which is the only thing he's said lately that I found funny. Mostly he's just annoying. Will asks if they've thought this through and Rachel says they have and their parents are fully behind them. Yeah...their parents are pulling a very dumb move right now but we'll get to that. Kurt admits to being the one to tell their parents because he thinks they're making a very stupid and big mistake. Quinn also questions their decision making skills and Rachel then says that they're not invited to the wedding since they don't support this. What is Ryan's fascination with teen weddings? I remember this being a plot point in one of his earlier shows too, Popular. They got married and moved out and started having a shit time. It's weird, that he's done this twice now. Tina says that she'll be Rachel's bridesmaid because while she's not ready for marriage, she knows what being in love is like. Mike takes her hand supportively and says they'll both be there. That's sweet but we all know Rachel wanted anyone other than Tina as a bridesmaid, right? Finn thanks them and hopes everyone will change their minds because he wants everyone there. Artie wants to also add his name to the list of people in support of them but his ulterior motive is to sing a song to Sugar. He sings Let Me Love You by Ne-Yo. It's ok but Ne-Yo's version is better but I'm not a fan of the song either way. Too schmaltzy. Sugar seems to love it and asks him to wheel her to class. Yuck.

Santana tells Rachel that she's also supportive of her decision to marry Finn even if it's dumb. Mercedes then approaches them, pretending she doesn't know who Rachel is and then says she has a song to perform for her from Finn and let me tell you. Just let me tell you that this whole song looks like it's being sung from Sam to Rachel and I love it. I 100% ship it and am on board with my friend Lucas on this. Look how cute:

Look how cute

Mercedes who?

Finn? Don't know him

They are singing Stereo Hearts by Gym Class. Rachel is loving every second of it, but we all know she's loving Sam, right? It's supposedly sent from Finn but Finn who? Santana is not amused by this and asks them if they're a Christian group. They confirm and then she asks if they'll sing a Valentine to whoever she wants. Joe says that $10 bucks and yes they will so she slips a ten into his guitar strings and asks them to sing one to Brittany who is not her friend but her girlfriend. Joe looks not pleased by this and I'm hating this storyline so much. It's not because it's not realistic, it sadly very much is but because most of the people in this group are her friends. You're telling me that these people who have been supportive of them for years and who already know she's a lesbian and who undyingly support Kurt, these are the people that are going to be debating about whether or not they should sing a Valentine to Brittany? Yikes. They wanted to tell this story but they didn't want to hire extras, it's very obvious and they also don't care about characterization. 

In glee club, Kurt is bragging about his new Valentine from Blaine while Rachel and Finn are making out. Santana is grossed out and they are only softly told to break it up by Will who clearly sees it as silly. Look, this story needed to be told but by way better writers than RIB because they're not really tackling anything here. Rory has now been given the floor and he gives us a sob story about how his request for green card extension was denied so he'll have to go back home after the school year is done. He then launches into Home by Michael Bublé. He's got a nice voice, there I said something nice about Rory but have you noticed that all of his dialogue is like "I'm from Ireland. My family is far away. You guys are like family even though I miss me mam and da. I'm Irish, here's my song about missing home" It's supposed to make our hearts melt but instead, it makes me yawn. He's a very boring character. Sugar is very taken by his performance and says she feels worse for him than Artie and asks him to be her date for Valentine's. I don't know why either of them wants to be a pity date for her or why she wants to pity date either of them but here we are. Rory has won and we all lose.

Next we cut to the insulting conversation between the God Squad about whether or not they should sing a song to a gay couple. Why is Mercedes so concerned about Joe's feelings on this? Like, yeah, I guess ask him but ultimately, fuck your feelings they're my friends, not you is what she should be saying. Quinn says that there is no mention of gay people in the bible, I cannot confirm or deny because I'm a filthy atheist who has no connection to God, church, or the bible. I think I tried to read the bible but I never got through it and I sure as hell am not remembering it. No offence to those who are religious, it just does nothing for me and more and more, I'm just seeing evidence that people way too into religion are capable of far more evil things than those of us that just don't believe in God. Mercedes wants her church to sing back up so she's worried about making them uncomfortable and I guess I don't know this kind of dilemma because to me? I'd just sing the damn song for my friend. If religion has you questioning whether you should be nice to someone, is that really something you should be aligned with? Kindness should be placed above some book written thousands of years ago. Joe says he has to think about it and Quinn says that it's fair because being honest is what Christianity is about. Ok, whatever but whatever Joe says, you guys had better be there for your friend because fuck Joe, that's why. Who the hell is he to decide this? I may sound hostile but I really think this was framed poorly. They want there to be stakes, I get it but this conversation shouldn't have been about them debating whether they should do this or whether or not Joe is comfortable. This conversation should have gone down like this: Mercedes, Sam, and Quinn saying that they are singing the song for Santana but that it's his choice whether he joins them. The way it's framed now, it's like they would not sing the song if he decided not to and that's pretty shitty.

Sam approaches Mercedes by her locker with a Valentines present that is a model of a wiseman that he painted to look like Saint Valentine and that is the dorkiest but sweetest thing I've ever heard of. Sam knows his would be partner's interests and puts in effort. I love him. Mercedes tells him that she told Shane about them and that he was sad about it and said he felt like she punched him in the heart. Sam is sad for Shane but is happy that they can be together. Mercedes stops him before he can kiss her and says that what they did was wrong and what she did was wrong because she lied and cheated. Every time she sees him it reminds her of what she did so she can't be with him. He says that they would never cheat on each other but Mercedes says that she didn't think she would do that to Shane and she did. She can't trust herself right now so she doesn't want to be with anyone, which is super fair. She tries to hand the present back but Sam won't take it, he walks away instead. I mean...maybe now he can pursue things with Rachel? We segue into Mercedes singing I Will Always Love You by the wonderful Dolly Parton but this is clearly the Whitney Houston version which is fair. Both are good but I love Dolly's version, she's just so insanely and effortlessly talented. She's performing for the glee club and Sam leaves the room again, all sad as Mercedes cries. 

At the Hudson-Hummel and Berry dinner party, Rachel and her dad's are performing You're the Top together and I can't tell if they're bad at it or the song is just weirdly paced because it's one I've never heard of. Carole is loving it and wonders why they don't do it while Burt looks like he wants to die. Burt is more in his element talking lubes with Hiram but jokes on us, they're talking cars not sex lube. The dinner is going well and they toast to Rachel and Finn on their engagement and I'm still weirded out by this whole thing, even though I know that it's not real. Both Rachel's dads give a toast but not either Burt or Carole. They're going to serve Vienetta and then commence with teenaged lovemaking and both Rachel and Finn look uncomfortable until Hiram admits he's joking. They stopped making Vienetta which is a damn shame because I remember loving that stuff. But this is getting very uncomfortable because the parents are all like yes! Let's get you kids up to bed so you can sex it up! And even in the context that they're trying to freak Rachel and Finn out, this is weird and I don't like it. 

Very uncomfortable, I'm with Rachel and Finn

Rachel has the good sense to say no to sex tonight since her dads are both home and that's weird. She then goes to get ready where she walks us through her night time routine which includes an ice bath for the face a la Jane Crawford from Mommy Dearest. I laughed. She's just finishing up when Finn pops into the bathroom because he needs to poop. Rachel instantly looks upset and says he can't do that in her bathroom. They begin fighting and Hiram and LeRoy toast each other as if this was their plan all along. 

Kurt shows up at Breadstix to meet who he thinks is Blaine. The gorilla shows up and gives Kurt another card which says he thinks he loves him which finally gives Kurt pause. The gorilla then reveals to us that he is, in fact, Karofsky. Kurt is as confused as we are because they had like one conversation in a bar after all the bullying and now he's confessing his possible love for Kurt? Karofsky is adamant that Kurt helped him and he feels a connection so Kurt points out that he's with Blaine and that he likes Karofsky as a friend. This doesn't sit well with Karofsky, or David as we're told his first name is so he leaves. Kurt tries to tell him he should stay when they run into someone David knows from school. Kurt tries to cover for him saying that they just bumped into each other here but the guy is not buying it and David storms out.

Rachel and Finn have already made up and admit that their first foray into living together was harder than they expected. They reveal that somehow, after dinner and Rachel's extensive bedtime routine, it's only 7:15 so they agree to head to Breadstix. 

Hiram and LeRoy are downstairs panicking because it got really quiet and now they're worried that they are actually commencing with the teenage lovemaking. Hiram thinks this is a stupid plan and yeah, you think? LeRoy thinks that teens do the exact opposite of what their parents want so this is the best way. Hiram likes Finn and LeRoy says that they don't have to break up, they're just too young to get married. I feel like they could explain that to Rachel but then again, she might just do it anyway. This plot line is so stupid. The kids come down and say they're going to hang out with their friends. Hiram and LeRoy ask them if everything is ok because it sounded like they were fighting earlier and they hope they're not going to postpone the wedding. Rachel says it's the opposite, they decided that they're just going to do it and they're planning a May wedding, right after Nationals. She's stoked and gives her dads a big hug while they look not pleased but say nothing.

We're at Breadstix now where Sugar is hosting her big Valentine's party. She has given everyone another present with $200 worth of coupons to various places so like, she's super loaded. She then introduces the God Squad so I guess we're getting the big finale here? Joe says that Santana asked them to sing a song for Brittany and after a lot of thinking and praying, there was only one answer. They would sing the song because love is love. Great. Glad we wasted our time with this. I get what they were going for, I get that they might have felt it was important to show Christians being accepting of same sex couples but this feels very hollow watching it today because guess what? It's Christians who are stripping people of their rights in the States right now. People being forced to give birth, same sex marriage next on the chopping block, it's all theocratic garbage so you'll have to excuse me if I'm not being charitable to this Christians are good people narrative here. I know that good Christians exist but how good are you, how good is your religion, if it is based on fear and oppression of those different than you? But they sing a Cherish mash up featuring Cherish by Madonna and Cherish by The Association. Sugar is dancing with Rory and says she'll miss him when he's deported but he looks confused and then tells her they shouldn't worry about that. So...he lied about being deported to get with a girl, continuing his streak of being a creepy creeper character. That's not a cute plot point, guys, it's really weird. 

Sugar then introduces Blaine back. He comes out with a heart-shaped eye patch which he immediately rips off because...I guess he doesn't need it anymore. He then launches into Love Shack by the B-52s which is a very fun song. Nice note to end the episode on because it makes you forget that we had parents urging their children to bone in a weird reverse psychology bid to get them to not marry and a weird competition for a girl's affection where the girl has no agency and the guys are both jerks, the one who won having lied about being deported, and a former bully declaring his love for his victim. A lot of yikes this episode but lookit the fun dancing and singing:

Look at him go!

Now that you're left with that image, it's time to bid you adieu until I get to recapping On My Way.