Glee - 312 - The Spanish Teacher

 Original air date: February 7, 2012

This episode I remember being painful and it's funny because they are actually trying to make it awkward but that means that they've dialed it up to uncomfortable levels. Case in point, this is how the episode opens:

Oof

So, there had been jokes going around the IMDb boards for ages about what a terrible teacher Will is and how they never really show him teaching Spanish or forget that he's even supposed to be a Spanish teacher. Really we were mostly just shitting on Will for the fun of it because he'd become largely useless and unlikable at this point. The writers then decided, yeah, why don't we put it in actual text that Will sucks at Spanish, wouldn't that be funny? The answer is no.

So, we open the episode with Will being super embarrassing by singing La Cucaracha while wearing the above pictured outfit and he's dragged a few of the Glee kids in on this embarrassing display as well. Will is realizing that it's not playing as well as it used to and is worried that he's out of touch. YA THINK? 

Figgins has called Will in because a student complained but he can't say who and it's honestly very telling to me that Will tried to find out. Let me tell you a story about the worst shops teacher I ever had. He was a carpenter teaching wood shop and it could have been a fun class but he was old and very grumpy and very not up with the times. IE: He mistreated the girls of the class constantly, thinking we just were too stupid to do anything, calling us out for dying our hair and wearing skimpy clothes. This was the 90s, by the way where the style was very much baggy everything that covered everything. Tanks were in but you had to wear a cardigan over them. We dressed in no way revealing and none of us had dyed our hair. He probably would have died if he saw the colours people, including me, dye their hair now. Anyway, my sister had him before me and she told our mom about some of the things he said and she was not pleased. She called the school to complain and told them not to say who complained. Guess what they did? They told him who complained and the guy then embarrassed my sister further asking if she'd call her mommy again if he made a "joke". I can't believe I'm saying this but more school admins need to be like Figgins and not release those names. All they need to know is they got a complaint and for what, knowing who would give them an unnecessary bias against that student. Will declined further in my unlikability scale for that one simple question. Figgins tells Will that a tenured position has opened up and if he wants to be considered, he needs to turn it around in his classroom. Will asks how to do that and Figgins suggests he learn Spanish and hold the fuck up.

Side bar: I really need to clear something up. Ok, so in Canada, you need to have a Bachelor of Education to become a teacher. You go through, I think 4 years of study and a practicum before you can even think of applying to be a teacher, you may even be stuck substituting until you can find a permanent position. Are you seriously telling me, that it's perfectly normal for a schlub to walk in off the street, and just get a job teaching a subject they have no expertise in? Call me crazy but a Spanish teacher should maybe know how to speak Spanish, even if just conversationally? At least understand the words. What is this? Is this why US education sucks? Or is this just a Glee being Glee thing? I know I've seen this come up in a few shows where people have just "taken teaching gigs until they can get a real job" but like, they at least had some knowledge in the subject they taught in so I didn't fully question it but this...this is inexcusable. How did Will Schuester get hired as a teacher, like at all? I should note that I asked a friend in the States and they do require some type of certification but my point stands, HOW DID WILL GET HIRED??

We cut to Will going to night school where special guest star, Ricky Martin is teaching a bunch of racist people Spanish. It's funny because they're racist...I think. Ricky is playing Dave Martinez who everyone is super attracted to. I have never related to episodes where characters gush over how hot someone is, it just sounds forced. I also just don't believe that everyone is attracted to the same person. Case in point, I've never found Ricky Martin appealing. He's very nice looking but he doesn't rev my engine, so to speak. Will approaches him afterword and asks if he can buy him a coffee. I should note that Will is also a bit racist because he asks Dave where he's from. Dave tells him Ohio but why did Will just assume he must be an immigrant? We know why. Will thinks it's super rebellious to be at school at night but Dave finds it depressing. He really wants to teach high school but because of budget cuts, there's never any openings so he's stuck teaching night school. Dave also loves to sing and asks about Will's glee club. He suggests doing Latin music because apparently, people learn languages more easily through music. Will now has a goal, getting all of his kids in glee club to learn Spanish in a week so that he will get tenure. Are all your kids in glee in Spanish class? Are you just saying a big eff you to all the kids in your Spanish class who are not in your glee club? I love how, in this episode that explicitly says Will is a good teacher, inadvertently points out completely different reasons he's a bad teacher. Favouritism and a blind spot for his glee kids. 

Next, we go to an uncomfortable scene where Sue is encouraging the boys to donate their sperm to a clinic rather than ejaculate into their gym socks. Ok, HOW DID SUE GET HIRED? HOW DOES SHE KEEP HER JOB? Especially since she looks scornfully at Artie and tells him he can keep throwing his sperm away and tells Kurt the same which is also really gross of her. Will sees this and asks her what the hell she's doing. It's even more inappropriate than you think because here is where Sue's baby arc begins. I had washed my brain of this whole nonsense only for me to start these recaps to retraumatize myself. Sue wanted students at her own school to donate sperm so she could use it to impregnate herself? That's not funny, that's wildly inappropriate and gross. Will is surprised it's even still possible and she says it is because she froze her ova in the 70s in a Kroeger meat locker?? That's scientifically impossible on so many levels, is it not? I mean, this show is never accurate but I just can't with stuff like this. Essentially, Sue thinks she's a shoe-in for the tenured position and so now wants a baby to seal the deal or perhaps because she assumes she will have security? She then asks Will for his "baby gravy" before Becky calls her to go see Figgins. 

Sue thinks she's getting tenure but she should be getting an
order to stay as far away from any high school everywhere

Instead of being offered tenure though, Sue is told that she also has complaints against her. Sue is enraged and also asks who complained and Figgins once again won't say which is again, the best and most competent thing Figgins has done. Sue is further enraged when she sees that Figgins has asks Roz to help her with the Cheerios. She thinks that Sue's moves are old fashioned and wants to put some "krunk to the ba-dunk-a-dunk". I hated writing that but yes, that is exactly what some white writers had a black woman say. 

Will asks his glee club where they see themselves by the year 2030. Both Rachel and Kurt answer Broadway and then declare "Twinsies". I'm so glad they're friends again. Will then regurgitates what Dave Martinez told him about everyone speaking Spanish by then and he introduces this week's assignment, Latin music. Santana is curious why Will is choosing now which leads me to assume, she's the one who complained. We don't technically know that yet. Will says he loves all things Latin and then introduces the club to Dave. He comes out and Will says he'll teach them how to sing with Duende. Santana informs us that Duende means Dwarf and now I'm confused. This is supposed to show that Will has no idea what he's talking about but Dave is the one that says duende like it means passion so...what is happening? Dave keeps saying singing with duende means having passion so I'm at a loss because Google tells me it means "elf." Anyway, Will asks Dave to show them and all of the girls are drooling over him. He chooses to sing Sexy and I Know It by LMFAO, a song that I hate with a passion, or should I say with duende? Will asks everyone to be supportive and is humbled when Dave nails his performance and everyone loves it. 

Mercedes and Sam are in Emma's office, apparently trying to get couples counselling. They tell her that they kissed and Mercedes is confused because she also likes Shane. She wants to resolve this without anyone's feelings getting hurt and I hate to say it but that's impossible, Mercedes. No matter what you do in this situation, someone will be hurt, including you. You have to figure out what you want because, in this case, hurting someone now is probably better than hurting them more later. Emma hands them some of her famous pamphlets but Mercedes feels like she's not a "Two-timin' ho" because she doesn't sleep around. Cheating can be more than just sleeping around and it's hard to come to terms with that, especially when you don't set out to cheat and feelings just creep up on you. It sucks to be in this position and I feel for Mercedes even if I don't feel anything for this ship. The D/J/P love triangle, this is not because I don't care if she ends up with either of them. Mercedes and Sam have no chemistry and I know nothing of Shane because they haven't developed him past him saying he wants to have "cocoa babies" with her. I don't care. Emma tells Mercedes that if she wants to listen to her heart, she has to stop talking. She suggests that her and Sam go a full day without talking or communicating in any way. It's honestly not a terrible suggestion.

We see the Cheerios doing a modern routine but it honestly doesn't look much different from the routines we've already seen them do. Roz thinks they like her moves way better than Sue's. Sue says she's onto Roz and thinks she's waiting for her to go on Mat leave to steal her tenured spot. Roz is too taken aback by Sue going on maternity leave to even get started on the tenured thing. Sue confirms that she is going to get pregnant and have a baby. Roz says that she's way too old and then insults her a bunch, saying that she hopes Sue will birth a child that likes eating sand because that's all that's going to come out of her wrinkly boobs. I will also say that Roz says that she's "done being a woman" which is just the grossest and most misogynistic thing a woman can say to another woman. You don't stop being your gender just because you can't have kids or stop having periods. What the hell is this shit? Can you tell this episode was written by a few dudes? Yikes. Just yikes.

Mercedes, Rachel, and Kurt are watching Twilight and Mercedes wonders how Bella can choose between Jacob and Edward because what if they both make her feel amazing in different ways. Rachel thinks that you just know because true love chooses you. Kurt wonders why they're being so serious when they don't get their periods until the end of the month. I know Ian and the male staff writers are trying to make a period syncs up joke here but it makes me wonder if they think all women get their periods at the end of the month, always. Rachel asks if they can keep a secret and shows them her engagement ring. They are all dumbfounded by her revelation. They wonder if she's lost her damn mind but Rachel says she really loves him. Kurt wants to go yell at Finn but Rachel asks him what he'd say if Blaine proposed to him and then she asks him again to keep her secret. Mercedes asks if she's worried she's making the wrong choice but Rachel confidently says she has the right person, the scary part was admitting she knew.

We cut to Mercedes singing Don't Wanna Lose You by Gloria Estefan. She sings it mostly to Sam who looks sad but then gets happy when he realizes that she's singing to him. Then we immediately get the guys, even Kurt, singing Bamboleo by the Giosy Kings mashed up with Hero by Enrique Iglesias. Sam is the main singer and they're all wearing what Finn refers to as "Mexican Hipster Boots" which I can't personally say is accurate or not. Google tells me that they're Mexican Pointy Boots and were worn ironically or comedically so I'm not sure if this is a true fashion choice or not. The boys say that Mr. Martinez taught them all about it. Santana thinks he's the best Spanish teacher ever and then looks pointedly at Will to ask him what his performance will be. She's definitely the one who complained. 

Can we talk about these boots? I can't take them seriously so it's good they're meant to be funny
Oh hey, is that Rory quietly dancing in the background? Good boy.

Emma walks up to Sue and hands her one of her pamphlets "Please Don't Hog my Fiance's Nog" which is just the grossest way she could have phrased that but her pamphlets are the best. Sue isn't fazed and asks if Will told her. Emma confirms saying that Will tells her everything...except the fact that he teaches Spanish while not understanding it. Emma says it's inappropriate of her to ask Will to father her child and asks why she even wants his sperm, since she hates him. Sue invites her to sit down and then says she is mean a lot and that Will always comes back at her with kindness. Thor voice: Does he though? Remember when he asked her on a date to stand her up and humiliate her? Pepperidge Farms remembers

Sue says that if kindness is genetic, she wants that for her child. She then realizes that Will isn't going to do it. Emma wants Will to tlel her himself but basically confirms that no, Will will not be donating any baby gravy to Sue. Emma says that she thinks Sue should have a child and that it would be good for her. I mean, I don't know about that. People act like having children is this magical cure-all that makes everyone good people and that is fundamentally untrue. Sue strikes me as someone that would be a very Mommy-Dearest type person. Someone who would say, push her child to do things as a reflection of the things she wants and get angry when they don't live up to that ideal. Having kids does not mature you or make you grow up into a profound new person, having children is hard and you need to be grown and mature before you have them. It's so disgusting what's happening in the US right now because everyone, man, woman, cis, or trans, deserves the right to bodily autonomy and the right to decide when they or if they have children. I'm sorry, it's just that my heart breaks for every person with a uterus down there who has now been robbed of that choice and I really hope my country doesn't follow suit. 

Kurt approaches Finn who is lifting but Kurt doesn't understand why he lifts. He does the Tracey Anderson Method in the comfort of his own home and a quick Google search tells me she's some kind of at home fitness expert. Kurt suggests he picks up college brochures instead. Finn says college isn't for everyone and Kurt shoots back that marriage isn't either. Finn is upset that Rachel told him but Kurt is upset that Finn didn't. Finn didn't want to put him in an awkward situation with Burt and Kurt shoots back again that if he has to hide this from people he cares about, maybe it isn't such a good idea. Kurt then lays down the facts that Finn has potential and a future outside of just being Rachel's arm candy. He shouldn't give up on himself. Finn thanks Kurt and this is a really sweet scene. I like that they're actually behaving like brothers now and this isn't some weird Kurt has a crush on him and is being creepy thing anymore. 

Sue confronts Santana, accusing her of being the one to lodge a complaint against her. She is pissed because Santana is messing with her chance at tenure right when she's having a baby. Santana is super confused and asks with who's vagina. Will intervenes and Sue informs him that she no longer needs his sperm because she found a better donor. He's oddly offended, I think and asks whose but we don't get an answer on that. Maybe it's David Boreanaz's? 

At Will's house, he is frantically trying to translate a song using a translator book when Emma comes in with a giant box of pamphlets. She's super excited about them and says that she feels like Stephen King with how many of these she can crank out. She's on fire and proud, trying to show Will her work but he's too busy with his stupid translation to pay attention to her. He wants the glee kids to beg Figgins to give him tenure but like, are they all in his Spanish class? And what about the other kids in your class, Will? Emma keeps handing him little pamphlets with silly titles that deal with Will's stress but he finally flips out, asking her if she understands how important tenure is for HIM so he can take care of HER. Emma is not amused with this and tells him she can take care of herself. She then packs up her pamphlets and apologizes because she just wanted to show him her work that she's proud of. Will then calls them silly. He apologizes and says he loves her but he continues to belittle her pamphlets and asks her if she really thinks the kids take them seriously. Emma shoots back that she knows they're silly and she intends them to be to get kid's attention. She then mocks him by saying they're "conversacion" starters which is the word he was obsessed with translating. Nice dig. She also tells him he's being really mean and Will asks her if she has a pamphlet for that and then tries to backpedal but Emma ignores him. Good for Emma, now continue that train of thought out the door and into a better life for yourself. 

We cut to Santana and David Martinez performing La Isla Bonita by Madonna. It's very good, as most all of Santana's songs are. Will is dressed like a fool again, Puck even asks him what's up with the outfit and an embarrassed and jealous Will says it's an authentic matador costume. Yikes. Will says he's confused about David's participation but Santana brushes past that asking everyone if they thought that number was truly authentic. David peaces out of the awkwardness to grade night school papers so Santana asks Will if he's going to do his number now. By now, Will is on the same page with me that Santana is the one who complained about him. He gets up and puts on a ridiculously embarrassing rendition of Elvis's A Little Less Conversation where he does hollering and prances around while Brittany, dressed as a bull, charges at him and he waves a red cape. 

I have no words but luckily there is a Canadian YouTuber who can sum this up for me...

Thank you, Dan. This gif has come in most handy

It's not good. Everyone else seems to be enjoying it but Santana. Will finishes the song and immediately confronts her about complaining about him. She admits to it and says she'd do it all over again after that performance and I agree wholeheartedly with her. Will says she doesn't understand what she's messing with because this is his life. Santana shoots back that it's her education and she does take it seriously. The only reason the other kids enjoyed it is because they don't know any better and their teacher isn't teaching them it's wrong. She asks him why he even became a Spanish teacher and Will says it was the only open teaching job at the time. Ok, in more googling I have found that this is the glee writers being idiots. In order for Will to have taught Spanish, he would have to have gotten a Bachelor of Education with a major in Spanish. He absolutely would have needed to study the language at a college level to teach the class so Will should not have had this job and that's on Figgins for even hiring someone this unqualified. Will looks deflated and Santana tells him what a great teacher told her, "without passion, you can't succeed. Will thinks Mr. Martinez taught her that but she tells him he did and does, when he teaches glee. 

Shannon is freaking out and calling Emma a genius when Will walks in and assumes she's talking about him. Men. Shannon corrects him and says that she's praising Emma and her pamphlets. Emma made one about the importance of washing jockstraps because MRSA infections can fester easily down there...yuck. Anyway, it got through to Shannon's kids and she showed them to Cooter who ordered copies and on top of that got a whole bunch of other coaches to order too. Will looks suitably chastened and agrees with Shannon that he's proud of her.

In night school, Mr. Martinez is handing out class awards. Will gets most improved, lol. A few of the extras fawn over how hot Mr. Martinez is because every time a generically good looking man is on this show, a bunch of characters have to comment on how hot and perfect they are, those are the rules, apparently. Will says that his award is not really what a Spanish teacher hopes to get but Mr. Martinez tells him he works hard for his kids. Will thinks they deserve better and that they deserve him. Mr. Martinez jokingly asks when he can start but gets stunned when Will suggests Monday. Apparently, he's spoken to Figgins about it. Mr. Martinez is stoked to get a job during the day, teaching high school but wonders what Will is going to do. Will says he's going to teach history because...there's an opening. This high school really doesn't give a shit about qualifications, huh? Will does not act like he went to college himself and/or this show doesn't understand how teaching works. Probably both. Will hopes to find his duende there but Mr. Martinez says that when Will teaches Glee, he has duende coming out his ears. Isn't it nice that Mr. Martinez is teaching Spanish permanently at Mckinley? We will never see him again.

We cut to Sue's office where she's making Becky give her injections for her fertility or something. Becky does not look pleased but it's actually because she wants to confess that she was the one who lodged the complaint against Sue. Sue knew already and asks if she meant what she said about how she's not as focused on the Cheerios as she used to be. Becky says she did so Sue tells her that she's not mad and thanks her for her feedback. Sue says that motherhood has made her want her ambitions even more and Becky thinks Sue will be a good mom. Eh, I wouldn't be too sure about that one but I guess this is a nice scene. However, does anyone think that Sue would not have been so calm and nice had it not been Becky who complained? We all saw she was ready to throw down with Santana when she thought she was the complainer so she's not actually great with handling criticism. 

Meanwhile, Mercedes and Sam are excitedly and anxiously awaiting when they can talk again and as soon as the clock strikes to the 24hour marker, they run out to find the other. They walk up to each other but then Shane interrupts, asking if Mercedes is coming to lunch because they're going off-campus. Mercedes says nothing but sadly goes with Shane. Sam looks crushed. I don't understand why they're dragging this out? It seems pretty obvious she wants to be with Sam but I guess the guilt is making her stay with Shane? It doesn't matter, I still don't care. 

Will presents Emma with a pamphlet he made, "So You Were a Jerk to Your Fiance?" to which Emma says is a bit myopic but she appreciates his pith. He hands her another pamphlet that says "Congratulations, I Love You" and we learn that she's the one who got tenure. Is she a teacher? I thought she was a guidance counsellor? Do they get offered tenure in the same way as teachers? Do high schools have tenure? I don't get how any of this works but it's nice that he's eating crow over this. He acknowledges that his first marriage failed because his wife never believed in him and he's now doing the same thing to her and wants it to stop. He wants her to know that he supports her and is proud of her and they eat dinner together in celebration. 

At least Will admits he sucks

I was dreading this episode and it's not quite as bad as I remembered but it's still not great. I think the most interesting moment was the exchange between him and Santana because you assume she's just doing this all to be a bitch but she actually takes her education very seriously, as she should. I think it's interesting that they tried to make something of our ribbing of Will into a storyline but I feel like they still could have put more research into it or made it about him not caring enough about keeping up with his Spanish because of glee? I don't know anything other than the mess we got about him never being qualified in the first place. I also feel like he's been a gigantic ass to Emma lately and I don't understand why they are still trying to sell them as a perfect match. Emma has gotten stronger, which I like but she's still being treated like a doormat by the one person who was supposed to not do that. I don't like it and I'm not cheering for this ship like I once was in the innocent days of the first 13.