Glee - 311 - Michael

 Original air date: January 31, 2012

I am going to level with you guys, I like a select few Michael Jackson songs but I have never been a huge fan of his. I hate his slower, more sappy stuff. I recognize he brought a lot to the pop game, his stuff just never spoke to me. Also, this is a tribute episode which already grates on my nerves with this show. They never work it in well and it usually halts any type of storytelling they were setting up. I'm dreading this, is what I'm saying. Let's get right into it.

We open the episode with the former Trouble Tones complaining out of nowhere to the rest of the club that they got to perform Michael Jackson and that's the only reason they won. I still don't get how they won for their medley, but also? They didn't just perform Michael. Michael Jackson wasn't the sole reason they won, they performed Jackson 5 songs and a Janet Jackson number. So, it feels very forced that they're fawning over Michael Jackson especially so long after the Sectionals competition. The past couple of episodes feels like they forgot some stories and are now working backwards to catch up. Will agree to do Michael Jackson songs again and Blaine says he knows exactly which song he wants to do. It's Wanna Be Starting Something which they sing down the hallways and end in the auditorium. They end up in various Michael Jackson costumes because I'm in tribute episode hell.

We then get a follow up of the big proposal. Thankfully, Rachel did not say yes right away but told him she'd think about it. Finn gave her exactly three days and has now come back to ask if she has an answer. Rachel is confused why he even asked her in the first place and wants him to explain. Finn says that she's going to New York, NYADA or not and he wants them to have a reminder of their relationship there. Like, ok this is being framed as romantic, Rachel even says so but can I just say...this sounds really controlling? Like, I know you're going to move on to bigger and better things and I'm feeling insecure so I need you to officially promise yourself to me now and that way, you can't stray when we go to New York. Rachel is right, they shouldn't need to promise marriage at this point to be together and if he's going to New York with her, what is the rush? She is about to give an answer but Finn can tell she's going to say no so he cuts her off and tells her to think it over some more. Yeah...this isn't controlling at all. 

The kids are in the choir room, discussing Michael Jackson again. Blaine asks what everyone's favourite Michael Jackson memory is like this is some universal thing that everyone has. I know a lot of people like him, I know he's influential to the pop genre but I am not moved by him as a performer, I'm sorry. I am very much Rachel when she says she never got what he was about. Some good songs but him? *shrugs* Santana threatens to throw scalding coffee on her. Rachel says she's not as jazzed as everyone else but does agree they should do him for Regionals. Sebastian shows up to say that's not a good idea because the Warblers are doing Michael. Kurt asks how he's always at the coffee shop when they are. He says they drew first for Regionals so when he heard their plans, he decided to do Michael before they could. How did he know? Blaine blabbed because he's the worst. Blaine's such a coward, he even pretends like it wasn't a big deal to mention or talk to him behind Kurt's back even though he can see, right now, that Sebastian is an ass who stole their idea. Why would you want to be friends with this guy, Blaine? He screwed you over and your club. Also, it makes Kurt, your boyfriend, uncomfortable because Sebastian is always flirting with you. I'm not saying that Blaine can't have friends outside of Kurt but maybe don't be friends with someone who is so very clearly flirting with you in front of your boyfriend because that would make anyone jealous and uncomfortable. 

The kids are complaining in the choir room about losing the opportunity to do Michael for Regionals and Blaine is telling them it's not a big deal. Blaine, you're the reason they can't do Michael, sit your ass down and shut up. You don't get a say anymore. Is this entire episode going to be me yelling at Blaine? Maybe. Artie refuses to back down though. Finn says that they need to figure out how to beat them and Will comes in to give them their lesson for the week which is not really needed because we're already there, buddy. At any event, it's What Would Michael Jackson Do? Finn says he would fight back and Artie agrees. Blaine says that he would take it to the streets. 

Me to Blaine, constantly

Santana and Blaine show up in a parking garage to challenge the Warblers to a sing off. The Warblers agree and start doing their a cappella beat to Bad. Also, I'm really immature because when Artie sings the first lines, "your butt is mine, gonna take you right" I burst out laughing. Anyway, the New Directions sing and then the Warblers sing. Santana singing the chorus sounds amazing and is the clear winner. I think the Warblers suspect the same because they pull out a giant slushie and make to throw it at Kurt but Blaine steps in the way and gets it instead. I like how slushies have always been this whatever form of bullying on Glee and Blaine just falls over crying like those soccer/football players over exaggerate their injuries. When people saw the promo for this, most of us were like "wtf? Can't take a little cold sugar water?" and even now I had that thought until it becomes clear that they're trying to imply something else was in the slushie to make it do that damage. I would have liked it if they'd shown Sebastian slip something into it first, might have been a bit more clear. But it's also funny how they chose a red slushie because it looks like Blaine's been shot, which I'm sure that's what they're going for and it's funny but also looks surprisingly gruesome. 

The Psycho music should be playing here as we watch the
red dye spread from his head wound

The next day in glee club, Kurt informs everyone that Blaine's right cornea was deeply scratched and he'll require surgery. Will is confused because he's never known a slushie to do that much damage and Finn points out that something else was in there because Sebastian wanted to do that damage. Will says they have no proof but like...even if nothing was in the slushie, the fact that it was thrown at him, did that damage, and there were multiple witnesses, you can still file a police report. That's assault. What more evidence do you need? The evidence is that Blaine got seriously injured. What am I saying? The police are incompetent and don't care about protecting anyone, Will is correct, they'd probably do nothing because it would be too much work for them. Also, if Blaine is friends with Sebastian after this, he's incredibly stupid. The kids want vengeance but Will is anti-violence and tells them to let the authorities handle it. But the authorities are doing nothing so what Will is telling them is that their friend got hurt and there will be no consequences which would piss me right the fuck off too. Artie is the one to really burst and lashes out about how they've had to always lie down and take it, wait for things to get better but he wants them to be better now. Artie lashes out in a big tirade so Will asks him to take a break. Artie then stands up out of his wheelchair and asks who's with him. Mike stands up and they both walk out because this is a dream sequence, guys. He and Mike launch into Scream. They recreate the whole video and I know I said I like it when they do dream sequences but I like it when they do creative things that inform a characters feelings, not just recreating music videos that I can just go and watch the real thing of. This is boring and pulls me out of the story. I do like getting more Mike Chang though. The funniest part is that the whole song, Artie has just been glaring at Will and Will looks like he's worried he might be murdered by wheelchair right now. Artie rolls away but this conflict doesn't really get resolved.

Rachel approaches Quinn about Finn asking her to marry her. She wants a straightforward and honest answer so Quinn tells her she can't. Rachel thinks he's the one though and stammers a bunch of reasons that seems more like she's convincing herself. Quinn looks at her with a bit of pity and then hands her a letter. She got into Yale, early admissions. Quinn tells her that she's sure she'll get her NYADA letter soon and that she's dated a lot of guys and thought she loved them but as soon as she gets to Yale, she's not going to remember why. Quinn says that Rachel has an amazing life ahead of her and that if she wants everything she's ever dreamed of, she needs to dump Finn. Rachel thinks that's an awful thing to say but it's the truth. It's hard to know who you're going to be as an adult at 18. Quinn says she'll have to say goodbye.

We then launch into Never Can Say Goodbye by Gloria Gaynor, sung by Quinn and it really suits her voice. Finn thinks she was incredibly and Will says her news is even more incredible. Quinn tells everyone she got into Yale and everyone is so happy for her. Quinn thanks everyone for helping her through everything and I really hope they let her move on and be happy from here on out. Rachel looks sad about this.

Santana finds Kurt and asks what he's doing. Kurt agrees with Artie and wants to fight back. He's making a list of ways to get back at Sebastian and Santana says it's his lucky day because Auntie Snixxx is here to help. If you'll recall, Snixxx is her evil alter ego who made her slap Finn (not really, it's just her excuse to act like a brat). Kurt really wants to hurt him but he can't do it and wants to take the high road. Santana actually agrees and says she'll take the high road with him and guarantees they'll beat him.

Sam invites Mercedes to the auditorium and tells her this is his favourite assignment because MJ is his favourite singer. Mercedes agrees and he then puts her name up in lights behind him. She thinks he's crazy but he says he's crazy about her. He wants to do a duet with her, Human Nature. Mercedes says she can't but he plays it anyway and starts singing. She starts singing because she can't resist it. They duet. This is the most I've liked Mercedes voice (other than her duet with Santana) because she's actually singing and not yelling the notes. It's very understated and pretty. When they finish the song, they kiss.

The chemistry just...never showed up here

Burt comes to Kurt's class and calls him out. His letter from NYADA arrived. Kurt drags him to the choir room to open it, freaking out that he's not made it. Kurt finds out he's a finalist and his father cries out happily and hugs him. It's the best scene this episode. I love these two. He tells him how proud he is to be his dad. Kurt then runs down the hallway to show Rachel. She's happy for him at first but then he asks what hers says and she has to answer that she didn't get one. Kurt tries to tell her that it probably didn't arrive yet but Rachel is convinced she didn't even make it to finals. She breaks down crying because she has no plans, no college, no future and all she has is her boyfriend. Kurt is a really good friend and comforts her but as much as I like Rachel, I hate this. Kurt is happy and he shouldn't have to not be happy. I get that it's hard but as his friend, you suck it up and you help him celebrate. It's not easy, it sucks, but that's what friends do. Don't make them feel shitty for having something good in their life. 

Rachel and Finn show up to visit Blaine where Kurt is already reading to him. They've brought him soup and eyepatch related movies. Blaine also wants to celebrate Kurt getting into the NYADA finals and everyone is awkward but to her credit, at least Rachel smiles through it this time. It sucks but she should let Kurt celebrate. Blaine is bummed that he's missing Michael week but Rachel says that's why they thought they'd bring Michael to him. Rachel, Finn, and Kurt start singing Ben to him. Finn actually sounds pretty good on this song so good for him. I'm getting a bit song overloaded but the next song makes up for this.

Santana confronts the Warblers on their home turf. She tells them about Blaine's surgery and most of the Warblers feel awful. Sebastian, don't care though because it was Blaine's fault for getting in the way. The slushie was meant for Kurt and he'd do it again, he tells ya! Ok, maybe not the last part but he is so cartoonishly villainous that even Santana tells him he's like a cheesy 80s movie bully. She asks him what he put in the slushie but he won't say so they duel by song. They sing Smooth Criminal and I dont' care at all about Sebastian but Santana is fire on this song. Simply amazing. No notes. The cellists are also going at it like their lives depend on it, respect. Santana was better and demands to know what he put in that slushie. Sebastian readily tells her, he put rock salt in it and that it's ok. He didn't put anything in the slushie he throws in her face. Oops.

Santana calls everyone in to the choir room and tells them that she got Sebastian on tape telling her that he put rock salt in the slushie. She says all she has to do is send it to the police and let them do their job. Kurt says they're not doing that and I am Santana in this situation because "WHY?" Kurt is still worried about doing Michael for Regionals and it's like, there's bigger things here? Sebastian deserves to be punished, to be kicked out of school and as you saw, most of the other Warblers are pretty fucking friendly and it's only Sebastian that's the problem. Pretty sure if Sebastian is kicked out, they wouldn't do Michael, if you asked. Kurt thinks you can't always get vengeance. He's planned something in the auditorium and asks them all to join him. Finn holds Rachel back though.

Finn is worried about how he went about the proposal before and asks her to listen as Brad the piano man comes out to perform for them. Is he kept chained in an office somewhere? He just always appears when they need him. Someone free that man. Finn sings I Just Can't Stop Loving You. I hate this song. That is all. Rachel joins in and when the song finishes, she says that he's the love of her life. She then says yes, she will marry him. He puts a ring on her finger and they hug happily. Brad just stares blankly, unable to move unless someone commands him to, trapped in this high school hell and forced to watch two teens make an incredibly stupid decision. He can do nothing to stop it. Pray for Brad the piano man for he is truly suffering.

The Warblers arrive at the auditorium and the New Directions tell them that they're not doing Michael Jackson for Regionals. Is it weird that I was thinking "hooray!" because they've already done any Michael song that I would have cared about and then some. Kind of like how I'm ok if they don't do Journey again. They say that just because they're doing Michael doesn't mean they understand them. Ooh, I'm sure that cut them deep. The New Directions are going to show the Warblers how much they understand him by singing Black or White. Look at Rory in the background, fulfilling his contractually obligated episodes in silence, good boy. Most of the Warblers go up on stage to sing with New Directions. They then do the face morph thing like in the Black or White music video. Oh hey, I have a Michael Jackson memory after all. The Black or White video was featured on Pop Up Video, a show that played music videos with little pop up facts showing up throughout them, it was there that I learned that Macaulay Culkin was asked to do the lip synching for the rap portion but didn't bother to learn any of the words so his lip sync looked awful. Honestly, king shit Mac. They were paying you to appear, no one would buy you rapping anyway. I guess that was more a Macaulay memory than anything but he was my childhood obsession so, can you blame me? It was the day I learned that Mac was friends with MJ and how very weird that was. 

He did not give a shit.

Sebastian slow claps for that, like a true villain. Santana lets him know that they have him on tape admitting to lacing the slushie with rock salt and hands the tape over to Kurt. Kurt says that it wouldn't be as much fun beating them if Sebastian wasn't there and throws the tape at him. Because singing competitions are more important than Blaine getting justice for almost losing an eye. Let me tell you, losing an eye sucks and I would be really pissed if someone did it to me and everyone around me decided that they didn't need to be punished because they want to beat them in a singing competition. But his teammates know that he sucks now, so I guess that's a win. 

Rachel approaches Kurt with her own NYADA letter. She says that she's a finalist and they both celebrate but her face falls when he asks her if she's told Finn yet. You see, Rachel, this is why you shouldn't have said yes. Though, he already said he's going to New York with her, so I don't see why she'd be freaked about telling him?

I was surprised with how coherent this episode was for a tribute episode. It wasn't nearly as ham-fisted as previous ones have been. I don't enjoy most of the songs but at least there was still plot threads being explored this episode that I could latch onto instead of everything out of everyone's mouth being how awesome Michael Jackson is. There was still that but it didn't feel as overdone as others have been. I'm still not a fan of tribute episodes, (the exception is Rumours because it's flawless) but this was not as painful an episode to get through as say, the Britney one even though I like her music a lot more. I'm actually still surprised at how good this season is shaping up to be. It's still Glee but it's definitely more coherent a narrative than whatever season 2 was trying to be. However, the next episode is The Spanish Teacher and I remember this being...not good. I guess we'll have to see next glee recap.