Glee - 309 - Extraordinary Merry Christmas

 Original air date: December 13, 2011

They could have just gone on hiatus after Hold on to Sixteen. They could have just released some Christmas tunes to iTunes to make a quick buck. They didn't need to subject us to this. They chose violence and I am now suffering for it. Look, I remembered this was bad and stupid but holy fucking shit I was not prepared for how bad and how boring this piece of dried up turd was. I actually think this is worse than the first Glee Christmas special and that had Sue dressed as the Grinch and Brittany believing in Santa Clause. Let's just get into this so I can be done with this forever.

We open the episode with Mercedes singing Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas is You while the Glee kids decorate their choir room with Christmas decorations. Have they stopped pretending this club has no money? Because their choir room is decorated more elaborately and nicely than my house. Rachel then hands Finn a list of things she wants for Christmas. Finn is terrible at giving gifts and asked the guys for help but they also suck because they suggested socks, a wok, and soil. Kurt overheard this convo and told Rachel so she wanted to give Finn a list of things she wanted. Finn is worried he can't afford any of it but Rachel tells him that he only needs to pick out five items for her. Rachel guilts him by saying she's nervous for her NYADA audition and wants a little good luck charm, teeth whitening, and a spray tan. She tells him to make a list for her too but all he wants for Christmas is her. Rachel says all she wants for Christmas is him too...and five items from her list. This is the Rachel I dislike. It's amusing that she's so self focused but it certainly doesn't make her a good partner. Finn thinks he's dating Kim Kardashian and I'm so sad that they're still a thing.

Bold of them to open with this song because it's all downhill from here

Sue has called Artie, Kurt, and Blaine to her office because she has a request for them. She is actually volunteering at a homeless shelter on Friday and was wondering if she could get the glee kids to come and sing. I don't understand what this character is supposed to be. I thought she hated charity and glee but here we are. I guess Sue is the good guy this episode. They all agree and the plan is made so she kicks them out of her office.

Rachel is admiring the decorations in the choir room and even mentions that they've blown their entire decorating budget on it. Glad you spent your budget on non-performance seasonal decorations. Good job, Will. Finn tells everyone that Rory has a contractually obligated song to get through and he says something about how his mummy can't come visit him for Christmas so he's dedicating the song to her and the King. He sings Elvis Presley's Blue Christmas and I hate this song so much. It's dreary and blah and that was another pop culture thing I was subjected to that I hated. Do you know how many kids cartoons parodied Elvis? ALL OF THEM. I hated him. Was he talented? Sure but that didn't mean I wanted to see boring older people references in my cartoons. Elvis, Star Trek, and Star Wars were my nemesis. STOP PARODYING THEM IN KIDS CARTOONS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Santana agrees with me that the song is awful and the other kids kind of do too. They want to focus on the more fun aspects of the holiday season this year since last year was a dud. They even mention that Artie's magic robot legs broke the next day so that's depressing. Poor Shannon spent so much on those. Will comes in and announces that their local PBS affiliate is asking them to produce a Christmas special for them. The kids are all excited but when Will says that he nominated Artie to direct, he seems less than enthused. He claims he never wanted to sell out and do television and says that he'll have to think really hard about it. Take the fucking job, you ungrateful brat. 

Sam notices Rory sadly picking things up that fell from his locker and goes to help him. Rory's locker is filled with pictures of his family and Sam commiserates with him over how hard it is to live away from your family. His is only a few hours away though so he can't imagine how hard it is for Rory. He asks if he has plans for Christmas but apparently Brittany's family is going away to see a gay Santa Claus. This is a baffling joke told in a very not funny way because Rory immediately explains the joke himself by saying they're going to Santa Fe. Sam offers for Rory to celebrate Christmas with his family and offers to be his Christmas sponsor. Sam is the sweetest, I'm so happy he's back.

Meanwhile, Artie is talking with the TV guy who is delighted to have a disabled teen directing his special. Artie offers to pretend the TV exec wasn't being ableist in the spirit of Christmas but has some demands. He wants a Wookie in his special because the Star Wars Holiday Special is the best Christmas special ever and do you see? DO YOU SEE? I can't escape these references in any show I watch. You'd think I'd be safe in a high school musical show but no. Here we are. Star Wars. And you know what? It bugs me when an online joke about seeing this stupid special gets co-opted by Hollywood and execs. It becomes considerably less funny this way. Anyway, he wants Star Wars in their Christmas special and he wants to shoot it in black & white as an homage to the second best special, the Judy Garland Christmas Special. Why does this seem more like something Rachel and Kurt would love than something Artie would? The guy says he can do whatever as long as he can produce it for $800. Artie agrees.

We then get Rachel performing Joni Mitchell's River which is gorgeous and she definitely does it justice. She's performing in the auditorium that is fully decked out with Christmas trees, a fake pond and falling snow and all I could think was "well, there goes their $800 budget. 

Very pretty and professional set for an audition performance

Artie hates it because the song is too morose and not upbeat enough. His vision for the special is Kurt and Blaine hosting a 50s style corny joke special with musical interludes. Rachel asks if she's not invited to Kurt and Blaine's Christmas party and Artie says only if she picks a more upbeat song. He then says that Rory will end things off by coming in dressed as Itchy the elf and reciting Frosty the Snowman, start with fun and end with fun. Sam points out that Frosty isn't fun, he ends up melting but...maybe this is because I've only ever seen the cartoon special, doesn't he come back after that through the magic of Christmas or kids or something? He comes back to life, I'm pretty sure. Sam thinks sad stories and songs are fine at Christmas because that's part of what makes the holidays special. It's not part of Artie's vision though so Sam dips out, expecting Rory to come with him but Rory ditches Sam and his kindness because he's a spineless nothing of a character that's only here because the actor won a contest. Oops, sorry, I'm being mean again but also I'm not wrong. 

Finn talks to Rachel about her song and she says that she's going to get in Artie's special no matter what. Then she hints that she wants to open his gift because she's expecting a nice shiny piece of jewelry that she can wear on TV. Finn obliges and hands her an envelope. Rachel opens it but finds no bling inside. Finn clarifies that he couldn't afford anything on her list but bought her an African Sow Pig that he sends like $2 to a month to fatten it up and then it feeds a family for a month. Look, ok, here's the thing, Rachel is definitely being a brat about gifts BUT this is an objectively terrible gift. It's cheap, it's not something she's interested in, it goes against her beliefs as a vegan. I'm not saying charity is in and of itself a bad gift but like, try to pick a charity that means something to the person you're giving it to, yeah? Rachel then says that while she appreciates the pig, she gave him a list so he wouldn't embarrass himself like this. Finn says he'll give the sow to his mom and get her something else and Rachel is happy. Look, when you hear what she got Finn, I'd be pissed at getting a pig for a family to eat too. 

Remember original songs? Didn't you miss those? No? Too bad! Because now we're treated to a very original Glee Christmas song, Extraordinary Merry Christmas. It sure is a Christmas song and Blaine and Rachel sure do sing it. Artie loves it though and happily accepts it into his upbeat special. Sue comes in and is happy to see them practicing. She wants to confirm Friday with them but that's the night they're shooting their special so they can't do the homeless shelter anymore. Sue has the gall to act self righteous about this but look, the glee kids aren't wrong to be less than thrilled about doing a favour for Sue who makes their lives hell vs a tv opportunity. Sue asks if they're all for this and they all are so she takes her leave of them. Quinn does look a bit guilty though. Artie just wants to start practice again.

Now, who here is a fan of dated 50s era variety show style holiday specials? Anyone? Anyone? Well, get ready because you're in for a solid 15 minutes of this schtick. We get all our glee kids introduced in this style, Mercedes and Rory are featured while Santana, Brittany, and the Cheerios are relegated to special guests. We also get a little joke where the writers confirm they were super racist in giving their only two Asian characters the same last name by saying "no relation" when they're introduced. Yikes. 

The special then goes right into Let it Snow sung by Blaine and Kurt. Then there's a really long bit where they banter talk about bidding on a Liz Taylor necklace or something and then Rachel and Mercedes how up where they're talking like hoity-toity not quite English or American type accents. How do I describe this? It's like how people talk in kids shows. Like it reminds me of a Best of the Worst episode where they watch this video of a woman who hosts princess parties for girls as the fairy princess Gwendolyn. She talked like this and all I can hear is her "hoo-hoo-ooo!" (it's time stamped so you can hear it too!) to cast a spell when any of the glee kids talk right now. It's distracting but that's definitely a very me problem. Where was I? Oh yeah, thinking about anything other than this abysmal excuse for an episode. I'm saving you by talking about other things, I really am. Rachel and Mercedes give Blaine and Kurt gifts. Kurt gets the stupid necklace, I'm sure you were all worried. Blaine gets a bowtie or something. Then Rachel and Mercedes sing My Favourite Things which I like but this isn't The Sound of Music nor are they Julie Andrews so I'm still kind of bored. I usually like Rachel's covers but I think I'm being less charitable because this episode and this extended bit are insufferable. 

This still image is cute but trust me this entire bit is insufferable

Let's see, there's more schtick. More schtick....more schtick. Ah, Finn and Puck show up and they're dressed like Luke Skywalker and Han Solo but haha, they deny being dressed like them because that would be copyright infringement. Kill me. When will this end? Put me out of my misery, I bet of you. But no, I have to endure Finn and Puck singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Then we get yet more schtick and then we go right into Santana, Brittany, and the Cheerios singing Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses. It's sure a Christmas song, I guess. I know people like this song but this has been endless and nothing is happening. We get it, we get the "joke" please, for the love of God, end this!!! 

We get a reprieve from the singing only for us to be subjected to Rory dressed as Itchy, the Christmas elf. He's supposed to read Frosty but instead he reads from the bible. FOX must have loved this. I'm just rolling my eyes at the heavy-handedness of this message. The glee kids all seem to respond to this even though we know not all of them are of this religion or even religious at all. But this is a TV Christmas special so everyone must love the Lord. 

We cut to the homeless shelter where Sam and Quinn have both volunteered at. They can also sing songs, they sing nicely together so Sue would still have performers. Especially since Sam can play guitar. Instead, they're handing out food, which is nice. Sam is happy that Quinn seems better this episode and this is more the Sam I know than the one that called her crazy and avoided her. He says she deserves good things. Sue tells them to watch portion controls because they might not have enough food. Sue laments that when the economy gets bad, people give less but she says it like an indictment and not a more people might be needing situation? Guess who gives the most to charities like this? The people that are affected by shit economies. If they don't have extra money, yes, they are not going to be able to give as much. That's not them being stingy, it's them trying to survive. Anyway, the rest of the glee kids show up with a turkey and all the fixings to give to the charity. Sam is impressed and they all thank Rory for showing them the light. Rory thanks his Christmas sponsor, which is Sam so I guess these two have made up. They also brought a song to sing because their last ten minutes got cut when the broadcaster reached a deal with the yule log people. So, they didn't learn a lesson, their air time just got cut. Neat.

Sue is ok with them singing as long as it's not Jingle Bells because she's sick of hearing it. Oh Sue, you got your wish but it was made on a Monkey's Paw because now you get the worst Christmas song to ever be recorded. What song is that, you ask? Why it's the most tasteless, rich, white savior song, Do They Know It's Christmas? by Band Aid. Various big artists of the 80s got together to record this filth that implies other cultures are sad and dreary places for not celebrating Christmas. Like Christmas is the only holiday to ever exist with joy and happiness. It's such a small brained way of thinking. It's also very West oriented. It's also shaming people for enjoying Christmas while other people suffer? I don't know, it's just the most abysmal excuse for a song. Pandering, manipulative, shaming, condescending. I hate everything about it. You know the only reason they picked it is because they're at a homeless shelter feeding people and the last lines of the song are "Feed the world, let them know it's Christmastime" and it's the worst thing. Is my punishment over yet?

No, because we have to finish up the Rachel/Finn gift giving storyline. Rachel has come around to the sow and named her Barbara. She apologizes for being a brat about gifts and says all she wants is him. Finn says that he feels bad that once her pig is killed and eaten, she won't have much to show for this year's Christmas. He gives her a new gift and it's...it's yet another kind of scam. He bought her a star and named it Finn because there's already a Rachel Berry who's a star. He then also gives her sparkly earrings but Rachel says they're too much. She's decided she needs to start giving back now and asks him to get his coat.

We then find Sam and Rory, having become friends again and they're ringing bells for charity outside. Rory asks if Sam will also be his Valentine's sponsor but it's so Sam can help him get kissed by a girl. This character sucks. Rachel and Finn show up with a wad of cash to donate. Sam asks if they held up a liquor mart but no, Rachel returned her earrings and the iPod she got Finn. Do you see? She got him an iPod and he originally got her a sow pig for like $24. Would you not also be pissed? Anyway, they want to donate the money instead, which is nice. Sam offers them a couple of bells to stay with them and they agree. Sam gets so excited, it's adorable.

What a sweetheart. Glad he's back

They all say Merry Christmas and the writer remembered that Rachel was Jewish and had her say Happy Channukah. We finally fade out and I'm blessed to once again purge this entire episode from my memory banks forever. Do you know who wrote this episode? I was prepared to rail against RIB but this is the season they hired more writers so I checked to make sure and do you know who wrote this pile of turd? Marti Noxon. Yes, THAT Marti Noxon. Marti, you wrote some of the best episodes of Buffy and THIS is what you turn in? I'm not expecting Buffy levels of writing here but you couldn't do better than this? For shame. I'm mad and disappointed. This episode sucks so hard. I was so bored watching this and say what you will about Glee, it's at least so batshit it's entertaining. This is just dreck. I at least understand the dated references more though because even I, an elder millennial, did not ever view one of these variety shows so this held nothing for me. That whole thing should have been a very short, one song bit and then been moved on from. I need to cleanse my brain of this and go watch some more Dawson's Creek but it's season 6 so I'm not holding out hope it will be much better. Until then.