Glee - 308 - Hold on to Sixteen

 Original air date: December 6, 2011

Here we are at a super special episode of Glee because not only is it a Sectionals episode, it also features the return of a missing character. I want to like this one but there are still issues (this is Glee after all) that make me not like it. Remember how I said I could feel it in my bones that Quinn would be presented as the villain for wanting to expose Shelby and Puck? Well, I was right but I wasn't prepared for how gross it would be and we start right off with it.

The episode opens with Rachel entering the halls of McKinley High to approach Quinn. She's allowed on school grounds if she's picking up work but she also wants to offer Quinn vocal lessons to help their chances at Sectionals. Quinn says she's all good though because they're going to win once she tells Figgins that Shelby is screwing Puck. Rachel thinks she's just making it up and warns her that it's dangerous to start a rumour but Quinn tells her that it's not a rumour because Puck told her himself. Rachel then tells Quinn that actually, it's technically legal which is honestly the scuzziest argument that usually perpetrators use to justify their actions. Just because something is technically legal, doesn't make it ok. We shouldn't need something to be a law to not do it. I'm going to also add that this was a very unpopular storyline, even in its original run and this really feels like the writers talking down to us. "Look, losers, evern though it's kind of gross, it's like not illegal because he's 18." Ok, but she's still his teacher and holds power over him. If you are a teacher and you date your student, you are in the wrong. I'm sorry. Even if the kid is "technically legal" and it ends in marriage, it was still started wrong and I will always assume the relationship is toxic. How are they ever going to feel on equal footing to their partner if they were in a position of power over them. Now, Rachel does mention that it might take Beth away from Shelby which I agree will be upsetting to Beth but like, that's on Shelby. Shelby risked her custody of Beth by having an affair with Puck. Quinn also says she's an unfit mother and that she will be waiting in the wings to get Beth back which is supposed to make her look evil but honestly? Adoption is extremely traumatizing, to the kids and to the bio parents. I get that Quinn feels lost and like a piece of her is missing and there will come a time in Beth's life where she may feel the same way. It sucks, but that can happen, even in cases where a child is in a loving adoptive home. Adoption is not any easier of a choice than abortion, both carry trauma and I wish people would acknowledge that more. On that note, I just want to say that my heart goes out to all people with uteruses in the States right now. What your lawmakers are doing is repugnant and a violation of human rights. Stay vigilant and strong. 

It's revealed that this year's Sectionals is taking place in McKinley's own auditorium and, in true Glee fashion, Will is worrying about what their setlist will be in the same episode that we will see the Sectionals performance. Finn thinks they need to work on their performer problem rather than their setlist problem and like...how were you not working on BOTH way sooner? I know, logic doesn't exist here but this still hurts my head every time they pull this type of storyline. Which is practically every competition performance. Finn wants star power and says they need Sam Evans and I get super stoked because we are finally getting Sam back!

We then find Kurt and Blaine hanging out in the coffee shop and he's worried that neither he or Rachel are getting into NYADA and how they really need the Sectionals win or they're done. Blaine is frustrated because he wants to help but Finn is being a meany pants and won't let him. Honestly, it's kind of funny that they're finally having Blaine address this but I was enjoying the random Finn meanness. Stupid Blaine. Sebastian walks up to them and blatantly flirts with Blaine who doesn't really seem to notice but Kurt does and is not impressed. They congratulate the Warblers for their win at Sectionals which means they've taken over Vocal Adrenaline as the Regionals villain, I guess. Sebastian says that Blaine can whip New Directions into shape which only serves to make him upset and he excuses himself to get another coffee. This gives Kurt a chance to have a bitch-off with Sebastian over Blaine. Ultimately, Sebastian even villain monologues about how much better he is than Kurt and how Blaine will most certainly be his by the end of the year and then he twirls his moustache. Trust me, it happens if only spiritually. 

Your boyfriend will soon be mine!
Muahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!

I amuse myself. Anyway, Rachel and Finn end up at a bar and are confused as to why and how Sam could possibly be there given that he is their age. Like, I'm pretty sure he's only 17 at most. And if you think that's bad, hang on because the "joke" is that he's actually a stripper. Nothing against sex workers but there are laws against minors participating in the job because that is highly exploitative and everyone at that club would technically be complicit with CP which is made worse by knowing Mark Saling is lurking around and just, I hate it. Like the joke of finding a guy working a strip club isn't inherently bad, it's called Stallionz and Sam's name is White Chocolate so they're having fun with it, the ick factor comes from remembering this is a show about teens. Under age teens. Riverdale had this same problem and honestly, skipping ahead 7 years to age their characters into their 20s, helped a lot. I mean, the writing was still batshit insane but at least you weren't going "...wait, aren't they underage?" Rachel takes a dollar from Finn so she can get close to the stage and get Sam's attention.

We then cut to them talking somewhere else where Sam says he tried to get another job but it didn't pay well, and this is honestly the trap a lot of young people fall into and that's kind of by design, don't you think? Wages suck, people have to slave for hours just to scrape by but "hey, come here. You know you can make hundreds an hour if you just dance a little bit." I don't know, do what you want to do and if you love it, go for it but it all feels very insidious and exploitative. I also don't get the appeal of paying people to do this? Just, this is not my scene so I'm not going to judge, just say that Sam should not have been roped into it out of desperation to keep his family afloat. I feel bad for his parents, he says they don't know but I'd wager they'd feel terrible if they found out he was doing this for them. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Rachel and Finn try to entice him back to McKinley and Sam wants to go but doesn't think his dad will allow it. They decide to go to his parents.

Cut immediate to the three of them telling his parents that he wants to go back to Ohio for the glee club. Finn and Rachel even offer that Sam can stay with one of them so he wouldn't be homeless, not that there's anything wrong with that. The parents ask to speak to Sam alone. Sam is happy that they've worked together to get back on their feet but that he misses being a teenager. His mom is sad she won't see him every day anymore but is happy to let him go back to Ohio with his friends. 

We then segue to the choir room where the kids are sad that they could only recruit a few band members who are nerdy which is rich coming from the supposed most marginalized group at McKinley. Finn is certain they're going to win though and Sam Evans returns to lots of happy cheering. Sam says he lost his way and that his friends helped him find it again. I feel like the show thinks losing his way was his choice to work as a stripper and not like, how illegal and inappropriate it would be for Sam to work as a stripper. Do the writers just forget that they're writing for high schoolers or do they just not think it's illegal for adults to exploit teenagers sexually? Moving on from that bit of uncomfortable, Sam decides he's going to bring some country back in this joint. Get it? Because Chord's dad is a country musician? A famous one, I assume but don't ask me because I don't listen to country. He decides to sing Red Solo Cup by Toby Keith which I know is a novelty joke song but it's the worst thing ever. I hate it so much. It's not a good song. It's not a funny song. It sucks and I hate it but at least Sam is back. Once he's done, Santana barges in to recite a letter of insults towards him which he ignores to say he missed her too and gives her a hug. I know this is technically in character for Santana to insult people but it comes out of nowhere and goes on so long and is very looks based that it feels like Ryan "putting Chord in his place." Why do I say that? Well, Chord was let go from this season for daring to request more money. There was a lot of fan backlash and I think a campaign to get him rehired. Clearly there was some pressure to get him back so maybe Ryan's like "ok, you're back but like, just know I can end you." I may be reading way too much into this but it's the vibe I get. Sue me. (Please don't sue me, I have no money).

Quinn rushes after Sam once glee club is done and starts flirting heavily. She somehow knows that he and Mercedes was a thing and quickly tells him that she has a boyfriend. Quinn is apparently still on the getting Beth back quest and goes on about how she and Sam are perfect together and how he'd be a great father. Sam laughs which is honestly fair because girl, slow your roll maybe? However, he then goes on to tell her she has "rich white girl problems" which as much as I love Sam, I take a number of issues with.

1) Teen pregnancy is not a rich white girl problem

2) I hate the term rich white girl problem in general because it enables guys to invalidate how women feel. Do some people whine about stupid things that are ultimately trivial? Yes. That doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed to vent about something. Like, someone saying "ugh! I spilt my coffee all over my new shirt. FML" and someone responds with "#RichWhiteGirlProblems" or "people are literally dying, this is nothing" I will kindly ask you to fuck right off. Someone complaining about something mundane does not mean they don't care about bigger issues or are trying to equate their thing with a bigger issue. Calm the fuck down and let them vent

3) Did the hair thing really piss Ryan off that fucking much? Because I have to say that this season has been very unkind to Quinn and it feels deliberate. They're writing her to sound crazy and not really offering much in the way of sympathy. Sure, we got Puck finally understanding that she was hurt and no one was seeing it but then here she is being shown as "irrational" and "evil" again wanting to steal Beth away and ruin Shelby's life. And here's the thing, Quinn would be right to report the relationship to the school. There are definitely school policies in place that a teacher shouldn't prey on students no matter their age and she'd deserve to lose her job if she can't be a fucking professional. I know it would hurt Beth but why should Shelby get a pass for being a predator just because she's a mom? Would we say that with anything else? 

Rant over, Sam tells Quinn that she only gets one senior year and she should enjoy it. He tells her his favourite line in the song Jack and Diane is "hold on to sixteen, as long as you can" and leaves Quinn with her thoughts. I don't disagree with this but I wish they weren't trashing Quinn this season.

Tina tells Mike the applications to dance schools are due this week but he already applied to Stanford pre-med because that's what his father wants. Tina wants him to live his best life and thinks he won't be happy if he's not a dancer but Mike has made up his mind. Tina gets a bit snarky about how he won't make it as a dancer if he doesn't give it 100% so maybe his dad is right about him being a doctor. Mike shoots back that maybe his dad is right that they shouldn't date and leaves. Burn.

Tina looks like she just found out

Will has the glee kids practicing but they're still demoralized from the loss of the girls and think they can't win. Rory helpfully informs us that "girls smell better than ham" and that "when they're dancing and bouncing around, you can't help but watch them" and just...SIGH. Ok, is his whole character that he's a weird Irish perv? Because that's all I'm getting from him. Can you imagine winning a big competition to get on a massively popular show and THIS is what they give you? I'd sue. No, I wouldn't because again, I have no money but I'd be really pissed about it. Sam thinks they need a bit of sex appeal and shows them a few moves before doing a body roll that scandalizes Blaine. Blaine is aghast and whines that it's cheap and selling out. Sam is offended but defends himself by saying he came back to win and they need to use what they have to win but Blaine gets extremely sex negative and judgmental and tops it off with his body not being for sale. I don't know if shaming a desperate teenager who was taken advantage of by adults was the way to go, Blaine but here we are. They almost get into a fight but Will actually acts like a teacher and stops it. Blaine storms off.

We then find Blaine in a gym, boxing because that's a thing he does now, I guess. Finn walks in and asks if that's Sam's face and Blaine agrees but adds that it's his too and punches it harder and look, I laughed. Much as I hate Blaine, Finn deserves that one. Blaine then loses my goodwill when he goes on about how he took boxing and even started a fight club at his school which he, of course, can't talk about. Men really watched Fight Club and thought it was just a bunch of dudes who wanted to fight each other, huh? Nothing deeper there for them? Oh and Blaine loses even more goodwill and I almost eye roll my eyes right out of their sockets when Finn explains that he was only mean to Blaine because he's jealous of Blaine's talent. Finn apologizes to Blaine and admits that with Rachel gone, they really need him so they agree to work together to win Sectionals. 

Sam tries to hold Mercedes's hand but she tells him not to. He admits that he heard about her boyfriend and she rubs it in that he's built like a bulldozer. Sam doesn't care about his size though because he's determined to win Mercedes back. No shade to Mercedes but why though? Like, they had zero chemistry and their thing came out of nowhere. Plus, she has a boyfriend and she's clearly putting up a boundary that she's moved on and he should too. This isn't romantic for guys to doggedly pursue a girl who has a boyfriend and has clearly stated she's not interested, it's creepy. Sam, you're better than this.

Tina visits Mike's father and puts a DVD on his desk. She tells him it's a bootleg of West Side Story, starring his son. Mr. Chang seems less than impressed and asks her to go and take it with her. Tina asks if he's sure because if he took a second to look at it, he'd see how talented his son is. He asks her to sit and asks if her parents support her and her dreams. She confirms they do and he comes back with how they're not honest with her. Tina says she knows that performing is a difficult path for her and Mike, all the Asian stereotypes they'll have to face, but it's what they were born to do. She asks that Mr. Chang try to honour his son's gift.

Now we're finally at Sectionals where New Directions are warming up. Mike finds Tina and asks why she talked to his father because she made things worse. Mr. Chang almost didn't let Mike come today so he's disappointed in Tina. Tina shoots back that she's disappointed in Mike, actually. The Trouble Tones come up to wish them luck and everything is all cool between them until Santana boldly makes an offer that if they lose, they're all welcome to join their club at Regionals. Will and the others are not happy with this and get insta mad, calling Santana rude. They thank her for the offer but want to focus on winning this thing. Quinn tells Shelby that they're definitely going to win because Puck is going to come through for them since he's such a shining star, doesn't she think? Shelby gets uncomfortable, as she should. Everyone else looks confused af. Finn goes to talk to Rachel who is relegated to watching the performance and she's devastated.

The first performers are up and it's a group called the Unitards. Surprise! It's Lindsay Pierce aka Harmony aka Red Beret girl! She's singing Buenos Aires from the musical Evita and is breathtakingly good. Like stupidly, insanely good to the point that the rest of the performances are boring in comparison. The fact that they thought they could have her sing this and expect us to believe they're not going to win is insane. Will, Emma, Kurt, and Rachel are all nervous about how good she is, as they should be.

Seriously, she wins it all, give her all the awards

Rachel sees Quinn leave the auditorium and goes after her. Rachel knows that Quinn is going to tell Figgins about Shelby and Puck and I'm just like...this is after school hours, the hallways are dark, does she really think Figgins is just sitting in his office right now? If he's at school at all, he'd be in the auditorium watching the show, I'd assume. Quinn wants to win but Rachel says they shouldn't win like this and she should at least let the Trouble Tones perform since their friends worked so hard. Quinn wavers a little on that point but is still determined to tell. Rachel says she should talk to Shelby first and that she got a taste of what it's like to do the wrong thing and it doesn't feel good. Quinn gets thoughtful as Rachel goes back into the auditorium.

We hear Shelby talking on the phone, most likely to a babysitter, about Beth's temperature. She sighs and says she'll be home in an hour, sad that she'll miss her victory party. Quinn comes right out and says she knows and is telling Figgins to get her fired. Shelby says she's ending it which doesn't make what she did better. Quinn rightfully tells her that she shouldn't have come back here and that she would have been fine if she hadn't come back. It was wrong of her to come and it was wrong what she did with Puck and I can't disagree. Shelby tells her she's so young and pretty so Quinn tells her not to talk down to her and I agree. Shelby says that it goes away and I was about to freak out until she clarified not the pretty part but the young part. She says it goes away so fast you don't even realize it until you start to feel different but Quinn wants to feel different. Shelby tells her not to wish away her life and that she's exactly where she should be right now. She says she's going to go enjoy her last hours as a teacher and that Quinn should go and enjoy being on stage. She then apologizes to Quinn which is nice but still doesn't negate her sleeping with a student.

The Trouble Tones are next to perform and they sing a mash up of Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive and Destiny's Child's I'm a Survivor. It's good but honestly, not as good as the Adele mash up. However, the audience loves it and gives them thunderous applause much to the happiness of the Trouble Tones. 

Next up is New Directions who perform a medley of Jackson music. They start with Jackson 5's ABC which is upbeat and fun and then they move into Control by Janet Jackson which I like less and ending on Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson which I've never been a fan of. Let me be clear, they did fine but this performance just kind of exists for me. Not all that powerful or impactful. I will say that it was cool to see all the different voices that got to perform that don't usually get featured in competition episodes. Tina got to sing most of ABC, Quinn got some time on Control, and all the boys got to feature in Man in the Mirror. That part was nice, the songs just fell flat for me and that's probably due more to me and my tastes than the performance. I'm just not a Jackson fan. Sorry. 

The New Directions celebrate their performance back stage and I'm happy for them. Mike is super happy that his dad came and even stood up. Just as he's gushing about it to Tina, Mr. Chang asks to speak with them. They go over, thinking he's going to be very stern but instead, Mr. Chang admits that dancing is Mike's talent. Mr. Chang says that he needs to follow his path and go to dance schools, the best ones, and he and his mother will help him any way they can. Mike is elated but he's missed the deadlines to apply. Tina informs him that he didn't because she sent in the applications for him, though she had to forge his signature. Mike says he loves her and it's sweet and lovely that Mike's dad has come around. I'm happy they gave Mike a storyline, however short it was. 

The announcer judge, who is a clown - don't ask, tells us that third place is the Unitards which is a crime. A travesty. They just keep screwing Lindsay over by making her third place all the time when she's clearly the star. Kurt tells her she was amazing but she doesn't need his praise because she knows and is guaranteeing that next year will be a bloodbath. I bet it will because it was already a bloodbath this year but the writers needed you to lose. The next award given is for second place. Trouble Tones gets that which means New Directions are our winner making it only the second most unbelievable win so far, apart from the blah original songs. I guess it's good though and they had to resolve this conundrum they set up for themselves with the Trouble Tones. Like, you knew they couldn't lose and they knew New Directions couldn't lose so we get the least amount of effort possible. Honestly for me, the winner is Harmony and the Unitards, Trouble Tones in second and New Directions third. 

The next day, Rachel sees Quinn at school and tells her that her suspension is over but she's worried about the fact that it will be on her record. She asks if Quinn is going to tell. Quinn reveals she's not going to because she loves Beth and doesn't want her to get hurt. She also thanks Rachel for talking her out of it because she would have regretted it. I'm just sitting here seething that this was the "right" thing to do. It's good for Beth but I sure hope that Shelby gets the fuck out of here because she should not be allowed within a mile of high schools. Quinn and Rachel agree that they're friends. Quinn asks what Rachel thinks of Yale and after a brief misunderstanding where Rachel says she's focused on NYADA, Quinn clarifies that it's for her. Quinn wants to go into drama because she likes performing even if she isn't as talented a singer. Rachel says she's more talented than she knows and offers to help her with her application. Quinn says she needs her help for something else instead.

I wish they'd let more girls be friends on this show

We next find the dejected Trouble Tones, sad about their loss and also indignant, thinking they should have won. Nah, guys Buenos Aires won that hands down. Quinn shows up and they are hostile to her being there, telling her that they don't want her pep talks or to rejoin New Directions. Quinn tells them that Will offered to let the Trouble Tones sing at least one song at each competition which gets their attention but they think Rachel would never agree. Quinn says that Rachel already did agree and says that she's not ready to grow up and let go of them yet. She wants them to hold onto this time and be together as long as they can. She says they're doing a big celebratory performance and invites them to join us.

We then cut to the auditorium where New Directions are performing We Are Young by fun. ft Janelle Monae. As we get near the end of the song, the Trouble Tones show up and are each pulled into the number too signifying that they're all coming back and New Directions is, once again, in tact. Thus endeth the episode.

I have to say, I've been pleasantly surprised by the third season. It's the most coherent storytelling Glee has managed since the first 13 episodes. This is by Glee standards, mind, nothing here is stellar and the writers clearly lack the knowledge and empathy to tackle a heavy topic like student/teacher relationships. Quinn would have been right to tell, in my opinion. I know that it might affect Beth and I get that but a child shouldn't be used as a way to shield a child predator from consequence. There has been a lot more to like about this season than dislike so far, especially when compared to season 2 and for that, I'm very grateful. Of course, next week is Extraordinary Merry Christmas so I'm unsure if this streak is going to continue. Until then, folks.