Glee - 307 - I Kissed a Girl

 Original air date: November 29, 2011

We're back from our exciting cliffhanger to find out what the consequences of that slap will be. Teachers were there as a witness, a whole bunch of kids and she just slapped him like crazy. There had to be a fall out and people were excitedly debating what that would be. Would it be the end of the Troubletones? Will Santana be able to compete? I guess we'll find out right away because we open with her and Finn in Figgins's office. Figgins says they have a zero tolerance policy on physical violence since firecrackers were stuffed down a kids pants...ouch. Santana asks Figgins if he enforced the policy when kids threw slushies in all of their faces. I'd also like to add the whole bullying subplot last season when Kurt had to switch schools because Karofsky was threatening to kill him. Santana has a point here. Figgins justifies the slushie thing saying they're not on the approved list of weapons to warrant expulsion. Santana then tries the angle that she didn't slap Finn, her alter ego did. She calls her Snixx and she comes out when she's angry. Unfortunately, Figgins doesn't buy this and suspends her and Snixx for two weeks. Finn is in the background thinking really hard about something this whole time.

Don't give yourself an aneurysm, buddy.

Apparently, he's been thinking through the consequences of Santana being suspended, namely missing sectionals. He gets up and suddenly announces that Santana is innocent. He says that even though it looked and sounded like she slapped him, it was actually a stage slap. And since she didn't slap Finn, she can't be suspended. Figgins confirms this so Finn once again affirms that a stage slap is what took place and I just have to say, this reads very much like the writers did not consider what the slap would mean beyond ohhh high drama. I love me some dramatic slaps but man, how could they have missed that a high schooler slapping another student in front of two teachers should probably result in SOMETHING happening. So, having Finn quickly undo everything in the very beginning, smells of the writers just hoping to shut us up and it's funnier considering what happens later. 

Santana confronts Finn outside of the office to ask him what he's playing at. Finn says that he wants a fair fight between their glee clubs which can only happen if she's on the team for Sectionals. Santana counters that a fair fight would be her being off the team but Finn is adamant he wants everyone to be in the competition. Santana is on to Finn that he's trying to woo her back to the glee club and Finn agrees that's his plan but that he wants everyone to be together or she's suspended. Cool blackmail, Finn. To be fair, I think Santana kind of respects this move.

Rachel is super nervous for the election and is desperate for Brittany not to win because if she does, then Kurt won't be able to go to New York and Rachel will be alone. It's kind of sweet in a very Rachel way, she's viewing this all as how it will affect her, rather than Kurt. Rachel is very self-involved but I kind of don't mind because the show is very willing to show us that and call her out for it. The only time I can't stand when a main character acts this way is when everyone and the writers act like they don't and are perfect. Looking at you, Dawson. Anyway, Rachel tries to tell on Brittany for bribing people to vote but Figgins is useless and has also been bought with pixie sticks. Stupid Jocob Ben Israel shows up to mock Kurt for already losing, despite the votes not being cast yet. Kurt wants to cheat but Rachel wants to sing to convince everyone. Kurt wants to go the cheating route though.

Finn is leading the glee club this week and wants everyone, Trouble Tones and New Directions to sing songs by and/or for ladies. Santana objects because she doesn't want their help. Finn wants her to accept herself the way they all do. First up for the assignment is Blaine and Kurt and they sing Perfect by Pink. Santana looks like she's maybe a bit moved but when the song ends she mocks them and Finn.

Sue is writing in her journal, as she does, about how she's neck and neck with that sauce guy who's going to run the slanderous ad about a minor. Isn't that against campaign rules? To single out and name minors? I feel like it is and if it isn't, it should be. Anyway, she's worried that the ad will tank her further. She laments that people think she's a lesbian when she likes men. She decides she needs a boyfriend for her campaign to work and to go against the ad. She goes through a list of celebrity men before she lands on one she deems appropriate.

Yeah, suck it Angel

I am becoming exceedingly uncomfortable with the running joke of people being disgusted watching Bieste eat. It feels extremely mean-spirited and this one reminds me that way back in 2011, people were obsessed with extreme meals and the Turducken was a thing. Bieste is eating a Turducken by herself in front of a disgusted Emma, who is skinny and shown to mostly eat little nibbles of veggies and fruit. This show is one giant eating disorder endorsement, I swear. She says that she's needing more protein since she's so busy lately. Emma and Will offer to help and she asks for help counting ballots. She also says that she and Cooter are getting really serious and that he pushes her to her limit. She's talking about weight lifting but she's also very clearly into him and says he's the only man for her. This is important.

From there, we segue into Puck singing Melissa Etheridge's I'm the Only One which is such a great song and I hate that it's being sung by him as he ogles Shelby. For real, the song choices this episode are really great and nostalgic for me. I love Melissa Etheridge, my whole family liked her. We'd listen to her albums on car rides to the lake a lot. Back to the show, oops, Quinn thinks Puck is singing to her which is good because Shelby looks deeply uncomfortable. I know this is mean but I just need to get this off my chest too, Puck's hair is terrible here. It looks like an animal has died on top of his head. I hate it but it could be that I just hate him so there's that too. I will say that he was pulling off the mohawk look in season 1 and I think it doesn't work here because his entire head is bald except for the hair but also, he's letting the hair that remains, lie flat on his head. It looks like a bizarre combover and I think that's what's the off-putting part. 

Quinn throws herself at Puck after the show, spelling out that she wants him to come over and have sex with her since her mother is out of town but Puck rejects her. In fact, he calls her higher maintenance than Rachel, selfish, and says that he'd rather "raw dog a beehive". Ok, I know that Diana pissed off Ryan and that's why her story was cut from the season 2 finale but it really seems like they're not done being pissed with her because that exchange was unnecessarily cruel and it really seems like they are pushing hard for us to dislike Quinn and see her as a villain. Sorry but the child predator is like right there and it's fine for him not to be interested in Quinn but he does not have the right to be that rude. I hate it. 

Santana is pissed with Finn for basically forcing her out of the closet but Finn points out that sauce guy's ad is going to do that and he just wants to help her deal with it. He doesn't want her to die and is afraid that she'll turn her vitriol inwards to herself and harm herself. He says she was his first and it means something to him. He'd never forgive himself if he let her get hurt with out doing whatever he could to help her first. Honestly, this is the sweetest Finn has been in a long time. We segue into Finn performing Girls Just Want to Have Fun which is not by Cyndi Lauper but by Robert Hazard but I'm sorry, the song is Cyndi's. I hate this song performed by a man. It gives me Thank Heaven for Little Girls vibes when sung by a man. It sounds condescending and infantilizing sung by a man. Cyndi owned that song, she made it empowering, she made it liberating, and fun. This is dreary and annoying and honestly, if people thought the Glee version was unique, it's not, it's literally just the original version. Glee is incapable of doing anything unique or original. They're recordings can be fun but this recording is decidedly not. I. hate. this. song. slowed. down. I especially hate it performed by a guy, it does not work. I also hate the way Finn looks singing this and it creeps me out when he sits right in front of Santana because she's trying to avoid looking at him. I will say that his voice actually sounds nice on this though and she does end up being moved by it. She even thanks him and hugs him. It's very sweet.

Oh good, we get to mock Bieste some more by hearing that she ordered a crap ton of chicken for herself at Breadstix and, to add to her humiliation, she gets to see Cooter and Sue taking pictures together in a booth. She goes over to confront them and Sue says they're on a date and that Cooter has been her main booty call since the late 1990s. Damn. Cooter admits they're on a date and Sue leaves to take a phone call from a reporter. Cooter asks if Shannon (Bieste) is ok but she's not because she thought they were dating. Cooter says that he didn't think they were because all they did was lift weights together and he's not looking for a buddy. It's heartbreaking and non-sensical because they JUST got together like an episode ago? The very end of the fifth episode and they weren't even mentioned in the sixth but already there's drama. I think that's what feels so mean about this. I get that shows want drama and turmoil but I don't know, this one just feels off. It comes out of nowhere, we get Cooter professing his feelings to Shannon one minute, Shannon gushing about how much fun she's having with him, and then the next minute Cooter decides that they're not dating and he just goes out with Sue? I don't like it. Also, I know I keep calling her Bieste because that's what most people call her but it's feeling more and more mean-spirited by the episode, especially with the running "gag" about her eating so much. I think I'm going to call her Shannon from now on. It feels less dehumanizing. Yes, she's a character but I can't shake the icky feeling I get calling her by her last name where the joke is it sounds like beast. She's Shannon from now on.

Election time! Jacob is here to annoy us again but we'll ignore him and move on to Kurt being extremely nervous about losing. Finn and Rachel try to cheer him up by saying he will get tons of votes but he's not so sure. Rachel points out Quinn going to vote and is positive she'll vote for him but Quinn decides to vote for the most girl candidate which is Brittany. Mercedes, Mike, and Finn vote for Kurt. Santana votes for Brittany with a heart and kisses the ballot. Puck does a write in vote for Ross Perot. Hang on, let me Google that to understand the joke here. Oh god, there's too much. He's rich, ran for president a couple of times and, according to my friend Zelda, was mocked on SNL and All That for his big ears and he was a third party candidate that no one took seriously. I'm going to bet that's the reason they had Puck write him in, he's a third party joke. Apparenlty, he ran as a third party in the US Presidential election, first time there was a third option outside Dems or Repubs in the US. 

Here is Dana Carvey (left) playing Ross Perot (right)
This guy is who Puck wants to run McKinley or he just doesn't gaf

Kurt monologues about how unfair it is that his academic future is riding on whether or not he gets elected. I want to be sympathetic but...maybe you should have done a few more things earlier than your senior year? I wasn't involved in much but I did volunteer through the Key Club all three years I was at high school. Like, you didn't have to do nothing and then cram it all in senior year, Kurt. This one's on you. 

We then cut to Will asking Shannon how she's doing but she's doing decidedly not great especially since Sue and Cooter are also there and acting lovey dovey. Shannon doesn't understand what went wrong and neither do we, the viewer other than she didn't communicate enough. Will thinks it's all just campaign fakery and he thinks Sue will lose both the election and the guy. Shannon doesn't look too convinced and we go into a nice character informing song that relays her emotions. She sings Jolene by Dolly Parton and I have thoughts. Dolly Parton is amazing, I love the song, I get the emotion and the insecurity behind the song but I also kind of hate the message of it? As if Jolene is just out there stealing guys for fun? Cheating is insanely complicated, of course but it irks me that the song argues that Jolene is stealing the man as if the man weren't a willing participant. Also, it really sounds like the singer is more in love with Jolene than the man in question. I'd ship a version of the song that ends with the singer being with Jolene and both of them ditching the useless unnamed guy. Anyway, it's a gorgeous song and it does fit, though I'd never describe Sue in Jolene terms of having her choice of guy and being obscenely beautiful but this is Shannon's feelings so she's allowed to feel them. Dot Marie does a nice job with the song too. Rachel asks Shannon if she's ok and she says she's fine but is clearly not. She asks Rachel if she's ok too and Rachel also gives a cagey fine answer. 

Santana is walking down the hallway with a bunch of guys ogling her. They've seen the commercial and now they're being gross. Why are men? I know, not all but why do gross men like this exist at all? "You just need the right dick", like no, they don't need dick at all, that's kind of their whole thing? I can't imagine having that kind of ego, both large and extremely delicate because if you reject them, then the only explanation is that you're a lesbian. I don't know who needs to hear this but so many factors go into being attracted to someone and it's all so arbitrary because different things attract different people and beauty is also subjective. And people's sexuality and choices on who to date are their own. Like, I can't even begin to explain why some people who I get along really well with don't give me that fluttery feeling when some other people do. It's so hard to pin down. It's not cut and dry. Anyway, the girls from glee club band together behind Santana and they all sing I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry which has been done briefly on the show before but now is a full number. It's fun but I don't know that I'd have used this as the liberating, coming out anthem when it is very clearly a male bait song. It's very much a song that is queerbait used to attract straight men with threesome fantasies. Not the best queer rep song. I also want to say that Rachel and Santana sing well together, it's too bad they're enemies on the show and rarely sing together. Also, speaking of queerbait, there is also some Faberry bait in this song.

Enjoy

Santana tells everyone that she told her parents about being gay and they were super cool with it and supportive. She still has to tell her Abuela though. Figgins then interrupts to pull Kurt out of class so things get super serious.

Turns out that there is some suspicion with the ballot numbers. It looks like someone stuffed the box with extra ballots, so more votes were cast then there are seniors. Kurt swears he didn't cheat, he only thought about it but didn't actually do it. Kurt leaves the office to tell Finn and Rachel about it. He lost the lead in West Side Story, and he lost the election, and they think he cheated so he could be suspended. Not good news. Rachel tries to console him but Kurt wants to find Blaine. Finn tells Rachel he had nothing to do with it but turns out Rachel is the one who did it. Oops. Finn wants her to tell Figgins but she's worried she'll get suspended. Finn's not impressed because Kurt will and he didn't do it. Rachel looks sad.

Puck is in math class and actually answers a question right. He's been doing the books for his pool cleaning services and is now a math wiz, apparently. He then answers his cell phone like "you're a go for Puckerman" which makes me want to punch him. Lamest way to answer the phone. He then says he has to leave for a family emergency.

We cut immediately to a hospital where Shelby is waiting for him. She says she shouldn't have called (correct) but she had no one else (sucks, you're still being inappropriate though). Apparently, Beth fell and hit her lip. The doctor comes out and says her bottom tooth went through her lip and she'll need a few stitches. Puck demands a plastic surgeon do the stitching and then comforts Shelby. This is to show how well Puck handles a crisis, I guess but it kind of shows more how shallow and looks oriented he is. We then cut to them after having had sex (barf) where Puck is crowing about how awesome he was. Shelby immediately says she made a mistake (ya think???) and asks him to go before Beth wakes up. Puck immediately gets angry, which is honestly kind of fair because talk about mixed signals and mind games. He is still only 18 and she is well into her 30s. He gives her a very...I'm the best sex you'll never have speech except they've already done it so it's more like you're messing up on not getting with me for good. It all feels gross and I don't like how these types of relationships are written. You know, in the world of adults dating teens on tv shows, be a Nancy Drew. That show blew me away with the fact that it actually addressed how fucked up it was for an older guy to date and sleep with a teenager and how it taught them all the wrong rules about dating. I love it. It's my new favourite show right now and I can't gush about it enough. If you love mysteries and ghost stories and are down with weird supernatural stuff/fluff, watch it. It's so good, lots of fun. Way better than this shit.

We then get Santana talking with her Abuelita. She is played by the same actress who plays Jane's Abuela which is super cool but unfortunately, this scene is not cool It's very depressing. Santana comes out to her Abuelita who takes it very not good. She kicks Santana out and wishes she'd never told her that she's attracted to women because it's shameful. She never wants to see her again. Santana is crushed and it hurts to see.

Poor Santana, that was hard to watch

Puck is now making out with Quinn after all. He mentions that he doesn't have protection but Quinn doesn't care. She is ready and willing to have sex with him and, is in fact, hoping for another accident. This weirds Puck right out but, thankfully, he actually realizes how shitty he and everyone else has been to Quinn. She's a mess and no one has seen that or tried to actually help her. He tells her that she doesn't need a baby or a guy to make her special. Quinn accepts his kindness and asks that instead of sex, he just stay and spoon her. She asks him who he's angry at, since he said that angry sex lead him to bad decisions and Puck stupidly decides to tell Quinn. 

Sue finds out she lost and only got 16% of the vote. Cooter asks her what it means for them and Shannon busts in to ask the same. She calls them a sham and is eager to win Cooter back. Sue tells him to sit in a corner so she and Shannon can talk. Sue tells her that she's lost everything but that Cooter is the best thing to happen to her since she met Becky and she will not lose him too. Cooter admits he likes Shannon a lot but that he likes Sue too and doesn't know what to do. Shannon apologizes for not knowing what to say before but now she knows that she loves Cooter and will do anything to get him back and tells Sue that she's not going down without a fight. Mmm, both these ladies deserve better than a guy who is waffling between them. I always felt that way about Archie too. Like what fight? How do you win this? What do you need to prove? He's clearly made his choice, even if he likes them both, he's dating Sue. So, why fight for that? 

Will congratulates both choirs for how well they worked together and Shelby is certain that even though they are in competition, they will approach it with a lot more empathy than before. Kurt also announces that his father is the new Congress person for Ohio which is awesome that Burt crushed Sue. He also wants to graciously concede to Brittany who accepts and gives him a big hug, calling him the most unicorn of all. It's very sweet. Tina is concerned that Quinn looks not ok but Quinn says nothing, though she's clearly staring at Shelby and very disturbed. Will gives the floor to Santana who graces us with K.D. Lang's song Constant Craving which is a way more suitable song to accept one's sexuality. She kills it, beautiful song sung by a beautiful voice. Unfortunately, Shelby also sings and I do not like this song being used to sing about how a mid-30s woman is craving a high school student. A world of no, even though Idina's voice is also gorgeous on the song, the context makes it gross. I'm sorry, Idina, you got screwed with this storyline. 

We get a montage of a few things, Shannon lifting weights and looking sad, Kurt looking on sadly as his dad celebrates his win, then finishing up his application to NYADA with Blaine's help. Then we get Rachel walking sadly down the hallway. As we finish the song, Rachel walks into the glee room and informs everyone that she is the one that rigged the election. She asks Kurt not to hate her and let's him know he's in the clear. She says it will go on her permanent record, she's been suspended for a week, and she's been banned from competing in Sectionals. Bad news for New Directions.

So, I feel like this was the planned suspension surprise and that's why the topic of Santana's suspension got brushed aside so quickly. It kind of worked still, in that you get a few twists and turns as to who might get suspended this episode and I have to say, I really enjoyed this one. The music was good (in spite of my weird little nitpicks I did still enjoy most), the conflict was good, the only thing I could always do without is the Shelby/Puck stuff. That will never not be a gross storyline for me. It really sucks because season 3, so far, has been very top notch by Glee standards outside of the creeper storyline. I do like that someone finally acknowledged Quinn's pain but I hate that it was Puck and I hate that they're clearly going to set up that Quinn tells on them and she'll be treated as in the wrong. I can feel it in my bones even if I don't exactly remember how this story gets resolved or in what way. I've successfully wiped most of this show from my memory despite being a fan, I don't know how I did that. I haven't seen Dawson's Creek's later seasons in longer than I last watched Glee and I remember more that happens in those. Glee it's like, weird fever dreams of wait, did that happen? How? I guess I'll find out next recap when I cover Hold on to Sixteen.