Glee - 306 - Mash Off

 Original air date: November 15, 2011

So, we are back with Glee this week and I'm sorry to say, we're starting with Puck. The episode opens with him monologuing because I think RIB enjoys punishing us or Idina. Seriously, I think they thought that since Mark looks so old this relationship between him and Shelby wouldn't creep us out but with the way Shelby looks trying to get away from him, it only makes him appear creepier. Like he's a 30 year old, trying to sneak in to a high school particularly to stalk a teacher.

Someone rescue this woman now

Now this storyline has always and will always bug me but let me tell you the level of disgust I have for this entire montage has just about quadrupled and I feel physically ill listening to Puck justify a relationship with Shelby because he's 18 and it's "legal" by also comparing age gap relationships by listing Woody Allen and "that Chinese girl". Just so you're all aware "that Chinese girl" was the adopted daughter of Woody Allen, meaning he literally raised her as his child and then dated and married her. Aside from that being just the worst "joke", it's made even scuzzier from the fact that Mark Saling? He was found to be in possession of CP. I avoided bringing this up before, only alluding to it because I don't like thinking about what he did but I can't not call this out. It's a fucked up joke made even more fucked up by the person who was made to say it. To my knowledge he didn't hurt any child himself but if you're creating a market for CP, you're creating a profit for people to exploit and harm children and that's not ok. It's not harmless. I'm grossed out so let's move on to the first musical number of the song which would actually be a bit fun and clever if I weren't already skeeved out by the story. Puck performs Hot for Teacher by Van Halen and I like that they're actually doing a traditional musical number wherein, the song informs the character's inner feelings and is not supposed to be them actually performing it but then they segue into Puck and a few guys performing it for the glee club. Will is Mr. Oblivious and loves the performance but Rachel asks if the subject matter is inappropriate. Will says it depends on why Puck chose it and I guess the writer was trying to make this one of those awkward "caught" moments but why would Will ask that? Why would anyone? The song is the issue not Puck's reason for choosing it and sure we know the reason is bad but how does him saying he just likes Van Halen's song make the song more appropriate? I'm nitpicking, I know but it's just such a weird bit.

We next see an ad by Sue where she is accusing Burt of having a baboon heart and is an exaggerated smear campaign or maybe it's very accurate. It's just getting so much harder to detect truth from parody these days that the parodies almost aren't that funny because that's just what is done now. Oof, moving away from that bleak thought, Will is furious about the ad while Emma tries to calm him down. Emma thinks they have to fight back with truth because that's what they teach their kids but that is leading me to more bleak thoughts since crazy, over the top smear campaigns do seem to be what gets votes. I'm going to stare off into space for a while, excuse me.

Ok, back and Kurt is now confronting Sue about the campaign. He's obviously not happy and tells her the ad is appalling. Sue tells him that it's not personal, just politics. She points out that playing dirty is part of the game, which he should know since his clean campaign is getting trounced at his school. We then cut to Brittany who is promising root beer fountains and robot teachers. She also says that Rachel has a MySpace account and is thus unfit to lead. Kurt points out that Brittany is making promises she obviously can't keep and defends Rachel by saying no one is on MySpace. I guess MySpace stopped paying FOX to prop it up. Remember Rachel posting to MySpace in the pilot and getting cyberbullied? Now no one uses it. This is such a non thing but it stuck out to me because I know they got roasted for having teens using MySpace in the very clearly Facebook era and now Facebook is irrelevant. God, I feel old. Kurt thinks he can win the honest way but Sue suggests that if he wants to win, he has to find a cause and then throw shit at it. 

Shelby tries to talk to Will in the teacher's lounge about how they haven't talked since Mercedes, Brittany, and Santana left. She tells him that she kept her word about not recruiting his members but Will already knows they left because of him. Shelby tries to make him feel better by telling him that the girls just want to have a chance to take center stage during their senior year. They talk about sectionals and Will laments that he can't get the kids to get along as well as they do. Will says that they normally do mash-ups at this time of year and how it was always his favourite. He's sad they can't do it this year but Shelby thinks they still can.

Cut to New Directions and the Troubletones both meeting up in the auditorium, much to their mutual displeasure.  They are not interested in joining show choirs and want Santana throws a lot of barbs, particularly at Finn. Rachel defends him because honestly, the fat jokes against someone like Finn? Not helping. He's fine and I know that's the joke but man, you hear something said enough about a character and I could see a lot of kids who are Finn's size or maybe a little heavier feeling like crap about themselves. It's a joke except that it's kind of not, it's just a reflection of how we treat our teens and people in general in our society, no one is ever thin enough, strong enough, fit enough and that's precisely so they can sell you things with promises of achieving some nebulous level of hotness. It's sad. Even if I recognize it, I do still fall for it because I'm only human and there's only so many times you can see characters in movies and TV being called fat who are objectively not fat and looking at yourself and feeling like shit. Be careful with your words, is my point. Words have a lot of power. 

Shelby and Will enter singing a song together. It's a mash up of You and I by Lady Gaga and You and I by Eddie Rabbit. It's cute but I'm familiar with neither song so I can't say if they nailed it or not but it sounded good to me. Everyone else seems to love it but they want to know what the point is. Mercedes is adamant that they are not joining glee clubs. Will clarifies that they are asking each glee club to come up with and perform their own mash ups for a "mash off" but we all know that Will is going to back out of picking a winner any chance he can get. How will he weasel out of it this time? Stay tuned.

No, guys, this time I swear I'm going to pick a winner

Puck brings a mini pumpkin to Shelby because the cafeteria was all out of apples but I ask you, what kind of cafeteria offers mini pumpkins? Are kids eating those?? Blech. Anyway, Puck is continuing his creepy crusade to get with Shelby and I know I'm biased with this because Puck is played by an actor who looks every bit of almost 30 and Shelby also seems a bit uncomfortable and also I hate Mark Saling for pretty valid reasons that I already explained so forgive me if I'm saying he's being the creeper here. However, it is up to Shelby in this context to shut it down and she is doing that but I have to side-eye her for even being interested. Again, I implore you to look through your old high school yearbooks once you turn 30 so you understand how not adult an actual high schooler looks and how easy it should be not to find yourself attracted to that. Shelby shouldn't be tempted because he's a child and Mark Saling pushing 30 really obfuscates that fact. Anyway, he lists why they should be together and she just kind of laughs about it but there is something deeply unsettling with the fact that he keeps pressuring her with things he could do to help her, like assemble a crib and then ends it with "you know this is going to happen" like a goddamned threat. Shelby also doesn't deny an attraction but says the usual, "I could lose my job" line. So, I root for no one in this situation. Everyone sucks and this storyline is trash.

Will asks the New Directions to come up with their best ideas for mash ups. Everyone gives their suggestions but Finn trashes them all because they all were bands that broke up and then he suggests Hall and Oates. The lamest band to ever exist and I'm sorry, aren't they rumoured to hate each other's guts? Everyone else seems on board with this and Finn decides to give the solo to the new guy and Blaine perks right the fuck up only for Finn to look hard past him to Rory and I admit, I laughed. I kind of live for Finn's hatred of Blaine because I'm petty and I hate him too. I mean, I hate Finn usually too but this is like the one thing we agree on. Go us. Rory declines the offer because he doesn't feel ready and Blaine assures him that he'd be great and that they'll all help him with it while looking eagerly at Finn for his approval. 

Quinn tells Puck she's losing patience and wonders why Child Protective Services hasn't done anything yet. She thinks Puck is screwing things up and tells him to be nicer to Shelby so they can get more time with Beth so that they can bond with her. Puck makes a gross comment about being really nice to Shelby but then looks a bit worried by Quinn's insistence on them getting Beth back from Shelby. Quinn then goes to Shelby and asks to join the Trouble Tones but Shelby only tells her she'll think about it. 

The writers really want me to be the bad guy in this storyline where a teacher is
debating whether or not to date her student who is the bio dad of her adopted daughter

Rory lets Finn know that he has his back and says that he wanted to say something when Santana told him he looked like a whale but then didn't. Finn is sick of Santana and asks Rory if he's heard of trash talk to which he hasn't. Sigh, he's Irish, not a child living in a cave. It might not be something they use but I know they see American movies, they'll have heard the term before. This show, man. Finn explains it to him like he's a toddler and says they have to start fighting back to throw Santana off her game. Santana walks by and they throw some weak insults at her to which she fires back easily because she's from Lima Heights and was raised on insults. Finn then challenges her and the Trouble Tones to face off against them in dodgeball. For reasons. 

Rachel goes to Shelby to tell her about her applying to NYADA and asks her to sign her recommendation letter. Shelby readily agrees and tells her she's proud of her. Rachel then jokes about her coming to her Broadway debut and Shelby says Rachel couldn't stop her from showing up. They laugh and then Rachel hands back the letter Shelby signed and asks if she'd write her own version of it. Shelby agrees and looks over her CV. She says she's got a lot of big ticket items and says that whoever doesn't have these doesn't stand a chance at getting in to NYADA. Rachel then gets a serious look on her face.

At the dodgeball match, Rachel tries to talk to Kurt about the NYADA applications but he's not hearing it. She tries to tell him she misses him but he tells her that she shouldn't have stomped all over him if she wanted to be his friend. Which is true. Finn blows a whistle and the game starts. The gang then sing a mash up of Blondie's One Way or Another and Pat Benatar's Hit Me With Your Best Shot which makes for a doubly fun and catchy song as they play dodgeball. We get some gratuitous shots of the glee kids getting pummeled with balls  The scene is actually really fun and makes them actually feel like high schoolers. Santana beams Finn in the face and he calls it a game. However, Santana, Brittany, Sugar and a few other Trouble Tones start launching multiple balls at Rory who gets a nose bleed. Kurt rushes in to stop them and yells at them for taking it too far. He escorts Rory out while both Rachel and Mercedes look troubled. 

The Trouble Tones are practicing vocal warm ups when Mercedes rolls in, late to announce that she's picked a mash up idea, Adele. The girls all love it and Santana mentions that having made that decision, she'll have more time to focus on harassing Finn. Mercedes tells her to back off but Santana refuses. Mercedes says she's the leader and Santana is not happy with this. Shelby just sits there because the writers really want this to be about Mercedes and Santana and can you please forget that any good teacher would put a stop to this nonsense? Please? Mercedes nominates herself and most everyone votes for her, except Brittany but that still means she wins. Shelby finally speaks up by saying that they will win because they are better, not meaner. Santana agrees to play fair when Brittany sings at her to "stop the violence", it's adorable.

Santana tries to apologize to Finn but all that comes out is a barrage of more insults, and Rory catches a few strays when he tries to stick up for Finn. She walks off all confident in her ability to utterly destroy Finn's self-confidence but Finn has had enough. He loudly asks her why she hasn't come out yet and then tells her that she's mean because she's scared that she's in love with Brittany and Brittany doesn't love her back. Then he calls her a coward. This has Santana rattled into silence and it's important to note that a few students have heard this exchange.

We next see another one of Sue's smear ads against Burt. The ad is extremely dumb and would never fly but I did laugh when at the end she says "I'm Sue Sylvester and it's not personal" like that makes her lies about Burt having a baboon heart and or being married to a donkey are just ok now. It's the way she says it too. Anyway, Burt and Will are watching together and they are not pleased. Burt wants Will to do something about this since he's his campaign manager. Will thinks Burt has all the right campaign issues and will be fine but Burt says that he'll lose the race if they don't do anything and Will will probably lose his job.

We next find Shelby trying to put together the crib while Puck plays with Beth and oh man. They are trying so hard to make this endearing but given the above reasons I discussed and don't want to bring up again, the scene where Mark Saling is holding a small child and getting too close to her face is intensely off-putting. It was already off-putting because this is supposed to tell us how they'd be a great family unit and that's a resounding no but boy does Mark's crimes add another layer of ick to this. I don't like it. Puck confesses to Shelby about the things Quinn placed in her apartment and says he removed them all. He tells her that she's meant to be Beth's mother and that he really wants to be part of her life too. I'd have kicked him out probably...well, I'd have never invited him into my house to begin with but that's just me.

The mash offs have now begun and the two teams meet in the auditorium where Finn and Santana flip a coin to see who goes first. New Directions wins and they sing a mash up of Hall and Oates's You Make My Dreams Come True and I Can't Go For That. I'll admit it was catchy but I'm still not a fan. Shelby looks super unimpressed with Quinn throughout the performance and I can't blame her. 

Next we get to the debates. Everyone is there and even Burt has shown up, ever the supportive dad and always living up to his Best Dad title. A hockey player and Brittany give pretty terrible speeches but Brittany wins the crowd over by promising to go topless on Tuesdays. Kurt gets up to say his speech and it's about bullying  He pledges to ban dodgeball which is kind of hilarious. He says it's modern day stoning which uh, that's taking things a bit far. I hated playing dodgeball, mainly because assholes always took it too far by whipping the balls as hard as they could at your face. I still wouldn't equate it to stoning though but it wins Kurt some points and I do like that they made this character kind of come full circle from being chased from the school because of being bullied to standing up for other victims. This is a nice touch and a good bit of character progression. Rachel outlines her own plan that would save the school thousands of dollars as political genius but withdraws herself from the race and urges everyone to vote for Kurt. She says he deserves to be president and says she will vote for him too. 

Kurt confronts her after the speeches to ask why she did it. Rachel tells him that she should have done it sooner, especially when she got the lead in the musical. She says she misses him and he tells her he missed her too. Rachel admits she was so focused on going to New York and getting into NYADA that she forgot that the dream wouldn't be complete if he wasn't there with her. They hug and make up and are friends again. YAY!

The highlight of this episode is these two being friends again
More friends on tv shows!

Quinn shows up at Shelby's place to see Beth but she's already been put down for the night. Shelby confronts her about setting her up and calling Child Protective Services on her. Quinn tries weakly to say that Beth is hers but Shelby schools her on the fact that birthing a child doesn't make you a mother, putting your child's needs first and caring for them beyond that does. Quinn loses it and calls Shelby a cash whore for selling her baby so Shelby rightfully kicks her out and tells her that she's not comfortable having her around Beth anymore. Quinn asks if Puck can still see Beth but Shelby will only tell her they're done here and then says that Quinn is still lost, pink hair and nose ring gone, be damned. I hate that having piercings and coloured hair is being framed as you being troubled and not just...things people like to do to express themselves? It's weird. 

Brittany tells Santana to stop making fun of Finn but she just quips that manatees have really thick skin. Becky runs up and tells Santana that Sue is looking for her. Santana goes to the office to find not only Sue, but Will and Burt in there as well so she's understandably confused. Sue confesses that she's told a lot of lies during her campaign and set a very negative tone. One of her opponents sent Burt an advanced copy of his next ad and it is a smear campaign against Sue for hiring a "lesbian cheerleader" and questions why Sue herself doesn't have a husband. It's a very gross ad that I hope wouldn't fly because usually minors are left out of these things but with the way the world is going, who the fuck knows anymore. There are laws going in place in some States that are targeting trans children which feels very much like this just maybe not targeted to one specific minor but is it any better? I don't think so. These kind of laws are evil and if you believe in freedom, then you should be against these laws. 

Santana breaks down into tears because her family doesn't know she's a lesbian and she runs out as we fade to the Trouble Tones performing their fantastic mash up of Adele's Someone Like You and Rumour Has It. It's flawless and they clearly win but for the very end where Santana jumps off the stage because she sees Finn whispering to Rachel and demands to know what he told her. Finn says he said she was great and Rachel looks terrified and confused as she confirms that's what he said. Santana tells him that everyone is going to know and then this happens.

I could watch this forever

We fade to black as everyone stares in silent shock at the moment. The IMDb boards were swarming with excited chatter around this moment. It was the slap heard round the world. Everyone wanted to know what would happen, how would things go, would Santana be expelled for this? Shit got super real and the glee fans were hungry for the next episode to drop. 

Whatever happens, you can rest assured that Will breathed a sigh of relief when that slap happened because it means, he didn't have to pick a winner. 

Goodnight everyone! Stay tuned for the next Glee recap, I Kissed a Girl.