Glee - 305 - The First Time

 Original air date: November 8, 2011

We're switching back over to Glee this week to cover the first time which absolutely refers to losing one's virginity. I don't have much hope because this show is written by men and they have a terrible track record at portraying girls losing their virginity. I remember that there was one bit of hope in this episode but most of it feels really inappropriate which is basically how Glee operates most of the time anyway so I'm not shocked just bored at this point. At least my annoyance is mostly with Artie who sucks anyway.

Speaking of, we begin the episode from Artie's perspective which is already a sign of trouble to come. He's bragging about how he's so in control as a director and has found his voice while he approves hideous costumes for the play instead of going with the cute one that Rachel likes (though we see later that she goes with the cuter one anyway so I guess Artie's opinion isn't as valued as he thinks). His bragging is intercut with Rachel and Blaine singing Tonight. Bieste cries and Blaine asks if she'll cry every time they sing it to which she admits that she's such a girl. Artie's note is that they both lack passion while singing a song about sexual awakening and asks if they've ever had sex. I want to note that BOTH Emma and Bieste just bail right away rather than telling him, hey that's super fucking inappropriate to ask people and maybe don't put that kind of pressure on two teens over a high school production. Neither Blaine or Rachel have had sex and they're waiting for the right time which is fine. Artie supports their aversion to fun (*SIGH* I'm a very sex positive person but it gets my hackles up when people act like everyone has to have sex to be considered fun. You do you at your own pace), but as their director he's concerned. He thinks that they can't possibly convey what the characters are going through if they haven't experienced it myself and I'm going to reappropriate a quote from Laurence Olivier (said to Dustin Hoffman during the filming of Marathon Man) "My dear boy, why don't you just try acting?" Also this is a high school play, chill the fuck out, Artie. 

Rachel is directing Finn on where to hang her campaign posters. She then asks him who he's voting for but Finn still doesn't know. She kisses him and he asks what's gotten into her. She says she's brimming with confidence because her show is sold out. Finn tells her about a football recruiter that's coming on Friday and they celebrate how much they're growing up and getting their dreams. Finn invites Rachel over because Burt and Carol aren't home. Rachel readily agrees to Finn's delight and terror. 

Next we go to Blaine's house where he seems completely unbothered and is dancing. Kurt is the one who is worried about being boring, sexually. I don't know why because this seems like it was set up for Blaine to be self conscious about having not had sex. I can definitely see Kurt's character being nervous about this but I'm just saying from a story set up point, it was Blaine who was given a reason this episode to be thinking about stuff like this. Blaine is cool with his urges because he masturbates but Kurt is still nervous that he's not sexual enough. Blaine assures him he is and then jokes that being asked to tear off his clothes is a tall order because of the layers. 

Artie approaches Bieste who is welding the sets for the musical which is a far cry further than our musicals did but this is Glee land so fine. He immediately asks her why she ran out when they started talking about sex and Bieste tells him the conversation is inappropriate. She is not wrong but the show is framing it as her avoiding the question which is weird. Like, it's none of your student's business what your sex life is like and it is super inappropriate for them to pry at you like this. Also, Emma also ran out but I guess that doesn't concern Artie because...Emma is ok to be a virgin in his eyes? Bieste admits that she likes a specific guy named Cooter but that he's not interested. Cooter, is also the recruiter for Ohio State that Finn is nervous about meeting on Friday. Bieste is down that it doesn't matter what her type is but Artie has terrible idea face.

He looks way too smug about being invasive too

Blaine visits Dalton for no reason other than to meet a new character and see them perform again. They are singing Uptown Girl by Billy Joel when he arrives and I have to admit, this is the best they've sounded in a while and it's thanks to Darren Criss not hogging up the entirety of the solo. They sound like a nice a cappella group which was their original appeal. The Warblers seem to disagree with me because when they finish they immediately start sucking Blaine's cock about how amazing he is and they'd be soooo much better with him. Gag me. Sebastian seems particularly interested in Blaine and readily accepts Blaine's tickets to his West Side Story performance. 

We then find them sharing a coffee at the cafe where Sebastian continues the metaphorical fellatio. I roll my eyes so hard when Sebastian says that everyone at Dalton, the school full of supposedly straight guys, describes Blaine as "Sex on a stick and sings like a dream." Yeah, ok sure. I believe that. I'm sorry but I immediately hate characters that the writers REALLY obviously want us to like. I don't know why they bug me so much but they do. This is a chore to sit through. I know it's supposed to be Sebastian hitting on Blaine but it feels more like Ryan Murphy hitting on Darren. I was actually shocked to learn this is an Ian Brennan episode. The episode also makes the choice to intercut this conversation with Rachel and Naya singing A Boy Like That from West Side Story. I guess it's to drive home the point that Sebastian wants to get into Blaine's pants. Sebastian leaves but asks to see Blaine again.

In the locker room, Finn asks for Puck's advice on what condom brands to buy. Puck first shames him for cheating on Rachel (which is rich coming from him) but then congratulates Finn even though he thought he'd be the one to score with her. Charming. Bieste comes in and introduces Cooter to everyone. He compliments her tube socks but she does not get it and just offers him to borrow a pair. Cooter then moves on to addressing the team saying that he's not looking for boys, he's looking for men to play on his team.

For some reason, now Blaine is worried about being too sheltered and not adventurous enough. I don't know why meeting Sebastian is what set him off and not the whole Artie calling him out at rehearsals thing but here we are. Kurt says that he made a bucket list and we hear some of them, one of which is to have relations with Taylor Lautner on a dewy field of lilac before he gets fat. I sometimes really hate this show's humour. Also...lilacs grow on bushes/trees do they not? But I love the scent of them so I agree with Kurt that would be hot. Just not with Taylor for me. Josh Jackson on the other hand...sorry what were we talking about? Bucket lists, right. Kurt thinks they're young and have all the time in the world but Blaine wants to have fun now, while they're young.

Artie approaches Cooter to insert himself into something that he really shouldn't and asks him to join him in his office which is the auditorium. Artie asks him if he likes Coach Bieste and he says he does and that he's asked her out a million times but she's not interested. Artie insists that he ask again and that he has the perfect idea for a date. 

Blaine is at the Lima Bean with Sebastian who is hitting on him even harder. Finally, Blaine tells him that he has a boyfriend but this does not faze Sebastian in the slightest. He's game if Blaine is. Blaine awkwardly tells him that he doesn't want to ruin things with Kurt just as Kurt shows up and asks who they're talking about. Blaine admits that he was telling Sebastian all about Kurt and how great he is. Kurt doesn't seem to be buying this even though, yes Blaine was literally doing that. I hate that I had to defend Blaine right there but he was telling the truth. Sebastian asks them if they want to meet him at a gay bar. He says he can get them fake IDs and while Blaine wants to turn him down, Kurt jumps in to agree, worried that he's boring and that's why Blaine is hanging out with this guy.

We cut to Rachel and Finn enjoying dinner at his house and she tells him the meat substitute tasted so much like real meat and it's played for laughs but Finn sucks as a boyfriend. He didn't remember that she's vegan? That's a pretty basic fact that you should probably know and he just fed her meat without her knowledge. Finn offers to make dessert but Rachel is eager to go snuggle by the fireplace. Finn is super nervous but readily agrees and says that he has protection. Rachel has also brought protection which gives me sex positive season 1 Queen Rachel vibes and I'm here for it. Even if it's to lose her virginity to Finn. He's confused about why she's so ready now when she's been nervous before and then suggests they wait a couple of weeks so they can go to the Marriot to make it special. Rachel can't wait two weeks because she has to get this done before opening night. Finn is immediately put off the idea that she only wants to have sex with him to make herself a better actor and I have to side with Finn here. That's weird and also, see my Laurence Olivier quote above. He leaves to make dessert and the night is ruined. 

Sorry, Rachel, you fucked up

We finally get a bit of a pay off to Mike's decision to join the musical against his dad's wishes but I really wish they hadn't made the dad show up at school to do it? It feels very awkward and not realistic. I don't think I ever saw a parent show up at school to yell at their kid and have a very personal conversation with them. The scene is good, I just wish it was away from the school setting. Mike tells his father that he's going to be a professional dancer and he's going to pay his own way through college. The dad says that if he continues with this foolishness, then he has no son. So, Mike comes back with that he doesn't have a father. Great scene, the actors nailed it, the setting throws it off.

Cooter finds Bieste lifting weights and makes a few attempts at flirting which Bieste does not pick up on at all. He finally hands her some flowers but she's still not getting it and says she isn't sick. Cooter finally says flat out, that he likes her and wants to take her on a date but poor Bieste still doesn't believe it. She feels that crappy about herself and honestly, I can relate. I joke about guys being clueless but I was just as clueless because I got into this headspace where I assumed no one was interested in me and by accepting that, and embracing it, I missed out on a lot. You don't realize how much thinking that way damages you until it's too late sometimes. In TV Land, you might be pursued until you realize they like you, but in reality, most people just assume you're cold and move on. Learn to love yourselves, is my message, basically. You love yourself, it's easier for others to love you.

I wish I could reach through the TV to give her a hug

Rachel has called a girl's meeting for advice. She explains what happened and Tina is like, well no duh he was hurt. Rachel knows and feels bad but wants to know what to do now. Quinn advises her to wait because having sex changed her life in drastic ways, even outside of the pregnancy. Santana also thinks she should wait because Finn is a terrible lover. Honestly, this just made me laugh because I believe Santana, Finn definitely gives off bad in bed vibes. Brittany makes a comment about how she lost her virginity which sounds an awful lot like sexual assault and I just don't find "dumb girl who believes in magical beings gets surprise humped by a boy at summer camp at a probably young age" all that funny. It honestly made me scrunch up my nose when she said it. Ever notice how it's usually guys that think rape jokes are funny? Just a thought. Rachel is convinced by all of this to wait until Tina pipes up that losing her virginity was a great experience and I cheered. A LOT of teen shows, depict girls losing their virginity as this horrific experience with terrible repercussions. It's nice when they have a girl say, I don't regret it at all because I love my partner and it felt great. It's refreshing and it needs to be said more often to show girls that they can actually enjoy the experience and choose to lose their virginity instead of being pressured to do it and regretting it. 

Kurt is nervous about his fake ID but Blaine is certain they'll work. Sure enough, they're both granted access to Scandals, the gay bar. Sebastian is waiting for them at the bar. He's gotten Blaine a beer and Kurt a Shirley Temple and condescends to him about being the designated driver. Kurt is not impressed and is left alone at the bar while Blaine and Sebastian dance. Karofsky makes a surprise appearance at the bar and talks to Kurt. He's switched schools because he wanted a fresh start for senior year where no one knows him. Kurt assures him he never would have told anyone and asks if he comes here a lot. Karofsky says he does because people like him here and he feels he can be himself. They seem to make amends and this gives Kurt the confidence to strut right in between Sebastian and Blaine to dance with Blaine. 

After a break, we find Kurt helping a very drunk Blaine to the car. Blaine is now getting very aggressively flirtation and tries to get Kurt to sleep with him in the back seat. Kurt is not having it and loses it on Blaine because he's never felt less like being intimate with someone. Blaine gets offended and storms off but Kurt is in the right here. Blaine is super drunk, danced with Sebastian most of the night (according to Kurt), and is now trying to force him to have sex with him. Blaine is an ass. Kurt is left alone in the parking lot.

The next night Rachel and Blaine are getting ready for opening. She lets him know that she's disappointed him because she's still a virgin. Blaine admits that he is too. Rachel wants to cancel the whole show because she's worried about giving an inauthentic performance. Artie tells them they have five minutes before they start.

Artie looks around the stage and has a freak out that everything looks wrong. Emma asks if he's ok but he thinks he's ruined the show. The whole gang shows up to thank him for how amazing he is as their director though and even give him flowers. I don't think he was all that great because he acted like a smug asshole and tried to pressure his classmates to lose their virginity for the sake of a high school musical but whatever. Everyone is happy and Artie gets to feel important, I guess. 

We see them putting on the show but I have to say, it feels very weird to see mainly white people putting on Latin accents but the singing is really good. It's mainly Santana singing America from West Side Story and she's always lovely as a singer. Rory is even somehow in the musical and gets one line that other characters say is incoherent. I have to say, I can understand him fine and I don't understand why Americans have such a hard time with Irish accents. The entire auditorium loves the performance and it gets a standing ovation. Mike looks out at the audience and sees his mother proudly clapping for him, his father is not there though and that's sad.

At least he sees his mom is supporting him

Rachel sees Finn in the crowd and has one of her slow-mo memories of Finn smiling at her like a dork that's supposed to signal her love for him. Blaine worries about how they're going to follow the America performance as virgins but Rachel has finally figured it out, act. No, she says that they may be virgins but they know what loving someone feels like. She tells him to tap into that love he feels for Kurt and her for Finn and they need to channel that into their performance. Duh-doy. 

After the show, Blaine is practicing still because he thinks he messed up a move. Kurt assures him he nailed the performance. He mentions that his Warbler friends all loved it. Blaine tells him full stop that Sebastian means nothing to him and that Kurt was right about their first time not being a sloppy, drunken, mess in the back seat. He apologizes for being a dick. Kurt apologizes too for not being more outgoing but Blaine doesn't care. He invites him to Breadstix but Kurt wants to go back to his house.

Rachel shows up at Finn's house to thank him for the flowers. He tells her she was amazing and then they go inside. Rachel is curious about why he didn't stay for the party and is worried he's still mad at her but as it turns out, Finn is upset because the recruiter, Cooter, didn't like him. They want to recruit Shane instead. Rachel tells him that there are other schools but Finn is freaking out because he's not good enough. Rachel tells him his dreams aren't dead, he's just outgrown them and needs to make new ones. He calms down a bit and Rachel moves in to kiss him. He tells her she doesn't have to make him feel better but Rachel isn't kissing him to make him feel better, nor is she doing it for the show. She's just a girl in love with a boy, asking him to bone her. I'm sorry, I had to! The show ends with a montage of Rachel and Blaine singing One Love, One Heart from West Side Story and then them with their respective partner getting down and dirty. In other words, they both have their first times. Or I guess everyone but Finn has their first times. The end.

That was actually still a very solid episode. Season 2 derailed so fast but Season 3 is managing to keep itself grounded. The usual glee humour prevails but I did like the overall story. I really liked how they had Tina surprise us with a reassuring positive sex story. I liked the West Side Story bits even if the editing styles were a bit muddy, intercutting them with what is going on at that point of the story. It felt a bit jumbled but overall interesting. I also liked that we got a crumb more with Mike and his dad but that needed a whole lot more. I wish that this show would develop the characters it has rather than introduce and overstuff the show with new characters but this is Glee. Next episode is Mash off and I'm excited because I remember loving the Troubletones's song. See you next time.