Glee - 302 - I Am Unicorn

 Original air date: September 27, 2011

The first episode of Glee's third season really kicked things into gear. We know what they're working towards, we know it's senior year for most of the cast, we get introduced to Harmony and Sugar, and we know the main stake is going to be Rachel and Kurt's journey to the NYADA auditions. It's honestly a stronger opener than season 2, in my opinion and definitely better than coming back from the season 1 hiatus. The pilot remains the best though. Will Glee manage to keep the momentum going? Let's find out.

We open the episode with Brittany confronting Kurt about how much she thins he's fabulous and magical, like a unicorn. She's stoked that he's running for class president and wants to manage his campaign. Kurt is a bit uncomfortable with her weird stories about unicorns but is ultimately flattered and accepts her help happily. 

We next go to the choir room where Will is telling the kids and us, that Vocal Adrenaline came in second which means they fired Dustin Goolsby. They now can't find a replacement which means they're weak. The kids are excited at this and so is Will who only wants to focus on glee club this year. Rachel freaks out about him not directing the musical but he assures her it's not cancelled. He's instead focusing on "booty camp" which is not a term I would give to dance classes for underage kids, maybe? Of course, Finn has to join because he sucks but he also says that Kurt, Puck, and Mercedes have to join too. Mercedes is not pleased. Blaine volunteers even though, I'm pretty sure Will should have asked him to join anyway since he's new but I guess this is supposed to show how humble Blaine is? Rachel makes a comment about how Will is helping the special needs kids of the club but is worried about who will direct her musical. Will has that covered because Bieste and Emma are going to co-direct it. Rachel is still not pleased because she thinks neither of them have theatre experience but Will has that covered because he's adding Artie as a student director. Three directors. This should go well. Artie apparently has a directing dream now so he agrees and this satisfies Rachel. 

Will is in the teacher's lounge when none other than Shelby walks in. It's a real treat to see Idina again but if you think they're going to do something good or interesting with her character, then you haven't been watching Glee. She tells us that she's been hired by Al Motta to start a second show choir at the school which features his daughter, Sugar. He gave Figgins a big cheque for the school and so it's done. I don't understand why he didn't just...hand money over to Figgins to force Will to add and feature her in the existing show choir that they're always threatening to cancel but this does make for an interesting new rival for the glee kids. She ribs him about having this rivalry but Will is more concerned about how her being here will affect Rachel, Quinn, and Puck. Shelby says she's going to reach out to them because she's on a mission to right the wrongs she left behind in Lima. Will is satisfied and welcomes more art to the school. Shelby is confident her glee club will be the tops though.

In the girl's bathroom, Quinn and the Skanks are threatening a young girl for her lunch money. They want to steal the money to buy lunch that they can later throw up. You see, the joke is that all girls are vain sluts who want to stay skinny at all costs and not like, you know, an actual disorder that's the result of societal pressure placed on young girls to look one specific sort of way in order to feel beautiful. Jokes like this make it so painfully obvious that this show is written by men who either don't understand women's experience or hate women or both. And would you look at that, this episode is written by my nemesis, Ryan. I had a strong suspicion that this was written by him and it's nice to have that confirmed. Anyway, Sue comes in and asks for alone time with Quinn and propositions her to be in a video for her campaign to talk about how much glee has ruined her life. Quinn agrees on the stipulation that Sue put thrift store couches under the bleachers for her and the Skanks to sit on while they smoke. Sue agrees to the terms before Quinn can ask for anything else.

At Kurt's house, Brittany has designed a fabulous campaign poster that is all about Kurt's gayness which he's not really feeling. He's afraid of being known for only one thing and Brittany doesn't see the problem with it because she loves his whole aesthetic. Brittany is such a sweetheart. Kurt has drafted his own posters They are not as fun or colourful but Brittany still thinks he's unicorn.

There is so much glitter, I love Brittany's posters
RIP the school hallways

Puck is leading Quinn to the auditorium even though she doesn't seem that interested. Shelby is waiting there by the piano and tells her that she wants her to be a part of Beth's life. Quinn is unimpressed and a little angry which is a little odd considering how she left things before but she's also a teenager who went through a really traumatic experience so I think I can appreciate her being angry over this. Shelby criticizes her vibe and like...everyone seems more concerned about her pink/red hair than anything else and it's just weird. You can be a mom with wildly coloured hair. It happens. I should know because I'm a mom who dabbles with fantasy hair colours. It's fun. The smoking should be the main issue for everyone but they barely mention it. Anyway, Shelby wants her to clean up her act and this pisses Quinn off who tells her that she'll never be Beth's mother because she is Beth's true mom. I'm not going to go on a rant about how people can shove it for shaming mothers who adopt but only because she's a young girl who is clearly lashing out. But hey, whether you give birth naturally, through c-section, need invitro fertilization, or adopt, you're a parent and you're valid. 

Those who were mandated are now in extra dance classes. I refuse to call it what Will calls it. Mercedes is whining because she would prefer to "park and bark" basically stand center-stage and belt her loud notes while everyone dances around her. Will tells her that they need to work as a group. No one looks impressed to be there. Blaine asks for Kurt's advice on audition songs but the songs he wants to do are Tony songs which gets Kurt's guard up. Blaine assures him that he's going for Bernardo or Officer Krupke since Kurt is a senior and should do Tony. Kurt is satisfied that Blaine has bowed to his will. I'm being bitchy about this but I don't care. It's fun to rag on these characters.

Rachel is practicing in the auditorium when Shelby comes in and compliments her range. Rachel is taken aback and tells her to leave. Rachel says she got Shelby's message when she left the last time, they are not family. She'll be polite but won't talk to her. Shelby asks if she's auditioning for Maria and thinks Somewhere There's a Place for Us is perfect for her. Rachel thinks it's hard and wants to do I Fell Pretty since she knows she can rock it. Shelby encourages her to give the other song a try since making it on Broadway requires risks. They sing the song together and, of course it's amazing and towards the end it cuts to Rachel doing it in the audition where Bieste, Emma, and Artie all clap happily. She does nail it.

We next see Sue shooting her campaign video with Quinn being a bad girl and Sue narrating weird stuff about how glee ruined her life. Then they go to Will's office where Quinn tells him off for ruining her life. Just as she's about to leave, Will tells her that she only cares about herself and then launches into a weirdly angry rant directed towards a teenager. He tells her she's not a little girl anymore (gross) and asks how long she's going to play the victim card (WTF?), then he tells her that she's done nothing but try to sabotage the glee club when they were the only ones to support her through everything (his only valid point). He says that she never gave Mercedes so much as a thank you for letting her live with her family and he tells her to grow up. Sue is thrilled with the rant but then says she got none of it because her finger was over "the thingy". 

Puck just arrives at Shelby's house unannounced and also...having not been told where she lives. They play this as a joke but that is legitimately terrifying. They did not think this "joke" through. Puck shows her his clean drug test and excitedly rambles about how he did some homework and only drank beer. Beth starts crying and she goes to comfort her while Puck watches. She offers to let him hold her but he's worried about freaking her out. He then begs to be part of Beth's life and says he'll do anything to be a part of it and honestly, this is a really sweet scene which means that glee is going to find a way to ruin this whole story. Just know that it will be gross and try to prepare yourselves.

Kurt struts into his audition for Tony with I Am the Greatest Star which is not a good choice to pick for a male lead, considering it's a Streisand song. Though I did laugh when he said he got permission from the woman herself to sing it, the woman being Rachel Berry. He auditions and everyone likes it and claps but uh, I didn't like it at all. It was too goofy, he didn't sound great in a lot of it, and I don't really get why he'd pick this and think, yes this will get me the job for the macho gang leader. Like, I know it's West Side Story and they ballet and prance about but in the story, he's supposed to look tough. This wasn't it.

Puck confronts Quinn in the girl's bathroom about her weird attitude. Quinn is unimpressed, even seemingly when he brings up that he saw Beth. Quinn says what everyone was telling them, that they are never going to be parent material. Puck thinks they can be and Quinn says that they'll never be together. He harshly tells her that he doesn't care about her, he only cares about Beth. I get what he's saying but man, I just want to give Quinn a hug because she's going through it and feels like no one will ever love her. Finn really fucked her over by doggedly pursuing and luring her away from Sam. I know it was her choice too but would she have bothered with Finn if he hadn't been so in her face about it? I don't think so. I know Quinn's line was also harsh but to me, it screamed testing the waters to see if Puck cared about her. Healthy? No. Understandable for a person her age going through what she has? Yes.

We next find Bieste, Emma, and Artie discussing their picks for West Side Story. Bieste loves Rachel for Maria but Emma also really likes Mercedes. We didn't even get to see her audition, seems like we should have. There's also a questionable joke about how Rachel is Jewish which helps with the Puerto Rican thing and...I don't even know how to unpack that I just don't like it. They next talk about Kurt and how he has star quality and we pan to Kurt who is eavesdropping on them. Emma thinks he could pull it off but Bieste thinks he's too delicate. She then says she wants a Tony that excites her lady parts and ma'am. Ma'am, these are teenagers. None of them should be exciting your lady parts. Artie is all for non-traditional casting as he hopes to play Porgy some day which I had to google and I'm just gonna yikes that both for how obscure the reference is and for the fact that he's a white character joking about wanting to play a black character as if that would be edgy and brave. Either way, they all agree that Kurt isn't right for the part and I know I was harsh on Kurt with his audition and I do think it was a bad choice as an audition for a male lead but this is also high school. I mean, in my high school the leads were basically the ones who were the most enthusiastic and in the teacher's inner circle. Kurt would be lead because there'd be no one else trying out anyway. It's a high school production. Parents are watching, not musical critics. Kurt looks understandably hurt by their words.

Kurt walks down the hallways looking sad when he sees Brittany putting up all her fabulous unicorn posters and he gets super embarrassed. He asks her about his boring posters but they gave Brittany crippling depression. Kurt freaks out that he's not going to win. He then stops Rachel in the hallway and tells her he needs help doing a different audition for West Side Story. She agrees and they rush off but Kurt yells at Brittany to take her cute posters down.

Brittany is upset that she let her unicorn down but Santana won't stand for that and says that her posters are awesome. I agree, they are really good and she's clearly passionate. Santana says that Brittany is brilliant and that she is the unicorn. 

Artie, Bieste, and Emma are preparing to see more auditions when Kurt and Rachel come out decked in full Shakespearean garb. Kurt has a feather in his cap and is wearing tights. I don't think he thought this through vis a vis looking super masculine. He should have done like a Grease duet with Rachel or somehting and donned a leather jacket. It's cheesy for sure, but it fits the vibe and it would showcase how well he and Rachel would work together. I say this and let me just tell you that I hate how everything in this scene goes down. You're in for a rant so, buckle up. Kurt explains his choice and how he's going to showcase his masculinity and Artie laughs but then apologizes. Ok, he's a teen and he's also the worst so this isn't surprising. Kurt and Rachel go to perform their scene which they're actually doing pretty well but yeah, isn't really showing a masculine side to Kurt. I get his choice, West Side Story is basically updated Romeo and Juliet but it's still not a great choice. I can be on board with their not being on board with Kurt as the lead but oh man, Bieste and Emma start to laugh at the performance and my vision just went red. I think I had several trauma flashbacks to adults in my life, teachers especially, who laughed as I was being teased and let me tell you, that shit is traumatizing. Honestly, nothing cut deeper to me than a child more than an adult who I thought was trustworthy joined in with bullying that students were doing. Nothing. Ryan has a distinct lack of understanding of who he is writing about and this scene cements it for me. I genuinely believe that he thinks we're all just going to laugh at Kurt here and then maybe feel a bit sad because he's upset but no, I feel rage. I feel protective of Kurt. I want to reach through my screen and punch Emma and Bieste in the face, Artie too but that's just because I dislike him. Mainly, I want to punch the teachers in the face because they are supposed to be the adults in the room. They are supposed to be supportive, encouraging, and show kindness. They failed and they should be ashamed of themselves. I know they're just characters, I know they're not actually teachers but in the context of this scene they are and they're awful at it. I'm not saying they have to give Kurt the part, I'm saying that they are obligated to show decorum and support and not belittle a student who is trying his fucking hardest. Fuck them, fuck Ryan Murphy, and fuck this scene. It's not helped when Rachel, of all people, laughs in his face when he tries to kiss her. I'm sorry, Rachel wouldn't do that. She and Kurt are good friends, she knew this was coming, she even looked confused and annoyed when she saw the judges snickering so why did she join in? I hate it. I hate all of this and I hate that it brings up horrible memories from my own childhood. Kurt runs off the stage, crying and humiliated and honestly, I can't blame him. If ever a dramatic runout was justified, it's here. 

You're all garbage

Shelby is coaching Sugar who is still awful at singing but does not think she is, telling Shelby that she doesn't sound good and tells her to take the day off before peacing out. Quinn comes in and says that she's hopeless but Shelby says that no one is hopeless and I love her for it. She is the singing teacher that Will should be. Shelby asks what happened to Quinn but then acknowledges that she knows what happened because she went through the same thing when she gave up Rachel. They bond over their choices of rebellion and Quinn asks if she can see Beth. Shelby declines but does show her a picture and tells Quinn that she can be part of the family and wants her to be but she has to be there for Beth 100%. 

Rachel is helping Finn out at Burt's auto shop while fretting about whether she'll get the lead. Finn thinks she's got the part on lock but Rachel says you never know until you know. She tells him that the Tony part is still up for grabs but Finn is too busy. Rachel then gives him a spiel about being better than a mechanic after he says that he really enjoys working with Burt. I hate this. I hate this notion that you're only special or important if you're rich and famous. Finn doesn't have star quality. Finn likes working with his hands and that's fine. He seems to like being a mechanic in Lima and for a lot of people, that's great. You don't have to move to the big city and be famous to have success in life. You just have to be happy doing whatever it is that you do or do work that just pays the bills and lets you do the fun things you want to do after work. It's all good. Rachel says she'd support him if it made him happy but then says he's better than that and it's framed in a way that sounds like she believes in him but I don't like the implication that anyone is above mechanics work. It's a fucking important job and without them, your precious cars wouldn't run or get fixed or anything. Respect all workers. 

Burt enters the scene and once again proves that he's the best dad on this show. Ok, he's the only dad shown enough to get to know him but he's still best dad. Kurt complains that the only roles he can go for are gay ones and that he won't be able to get to play the great lead roles he wants to. Burt tells him he's gay and that he sings like Dianna Ross and dresses like Willy Wonka but that he doesn't see anything wrong with it because it's who Kurt is. I love Burt. Kurt says that no one is looking for Kurt Hummel to play opposite Kate Hudson in a rom com so Burt is like, if they're not writing roles for his type, he should write his own stuff. Change history and take charge because Kurt is awesome and should believe that. Kurt is tired of being a unicorn so Burt says that a unicorn without a horn is just a freaking horse. God, I love Burt. Best Dad.

Will is trying to get Finn to try some dance moves but Finn keeps failing. He wants to give up and since it's Finn and not the other kids, Will encourages him and convinces him to give it one more try. Finn is able to get through the dance sequence without tripping over himself which is a big accomplishment for him. Everyone cheers. Quinn comes in with her blonde hair back, sadly, and wearing a very old Quinn type sundress. I'll give this to Will, even if I hated his yelling at Quinn earlier, when Quinn asks if she can come back, he welcomes her with open arms. That's the part of Will I still like, the undying optimism that the kids will change and better themselves and his willingness to give second chances. Everyone else happily welcomes her back too. Puck says he's proud of her and Quinn gets all serious face, dropping her smile and says that she'll do whatever it takes to get full custody of Beth back. I don't like the way the show is framing this as Quinn being the antagonist or awful for doing this. It's not a good thing, for sure, but she's a troubled eighteen year old who is torn between wanting to be a kid and wanting to have her kid back. I get it. I'm not buying into the "evil" framing. 

Bieste, Emma, and Will are in the teacher's lounge when Sue comes up to dunk on them, as per usual. Will tells her that Quinn joined back up with them and is happy that it ruins her narrative. Sue thinks that it actually helps her in the long run and gives a speech that is honestly kind of chillingly accurate after everything that's happened recently.

SUE: No, they’re already working, William. You see, I’ve made hating the arts into a brand. People are hurting, unemployment is up, the dollar is weak and the arts smack of elitism and self-absorption, indulgence and privilege. When times are tough, that’s something that Americans cannot stomach.

No word of a lie, I felt queasy hearing that speech because she's right. Just look at how much people are using culture war shit to propagate their own political goals. Did you hear that Mars is changing the green M&M? Probably. Did you know that they intentionally put out a rather cringey PR campaign about their change to drum up in fighting to distract people from the fact that they get their cocoa from child slaves? You might not have and that's by design. People in power want to retain that power and they've learned that if they can turn hating something into a brand, they can sneak by anything. Sue warned us all and we didn't listen. Anyway, Will looks worried and wonders what they can do about Sue's whole hate campaign against the arts. Bieste says that someone who is the anti-Sue has to run against her. 

Kurt runs into Brittany and tells her that he loves her posters and is putting them up all over the school because he's finally embraced his inner unicorn. Brittany is so happy for him and proud of him for learning to love himself. Kurt asks if she wants to help him after school with his campaign but Brittany declines because she and Santana are working on campaign posters for HER. Oops. Way to go, Kurt, you just lost yourself some support. Brittany says she's a unicorn too then corrects that to bicorn which is adorable and honestly she might be our first confirmed bi character even if I feel like they play her being bi as a joke. It's just nice to acknowledge that Brittany is pretty fluid. 

Blaine enters the auditorium for his own audition. He sings Something's Coming from West Side Story and blows the judges away. Artie wants to give him a standing ovation but then is confused when he sees that he's only interested in the role of Bernardo. Blaine confirms and adds in that he'd also be interested in Officer Krupke. Kurt watches approvingly from the distance until Artie asks if Blaine would read for Tony. Blaine looks uncomfortable while Kurt looks crushed and we fade out. 

Kurt is displeased

Glee episodes always seem to just end. Like there's no cohesive narrative, they're just stopping on a scene. I guess it sets up a bit of a, not quite a cliffhanger but maybe a conflict that will arise between him and Kurt over the Tony role but it just seems so abrupt. I do still like where things are going with plots and character progressions so far. The second season fell apart really quickly but this one is offering us something a little more so far. Not much, this is Glee after all, but something. This is giving me season 1 vibes with setting up some season long conflicts or at least half season long conflicts and it really helps to make you want to come back. You could cut out a lot of episodes from season 2 and lose nothing for example. Season 3 is doing some work so far to set up stories and I'm here for it. Let's hope the momentum keeps up for episode 3, Asian F. The title is not promising.