Glee - 216 - Original Song

 Original air date: March 15, 2011

Continuing with the Glee tradition of goofing off until the last second and then realizing they are running out of time to do anything, we have Original Song in which they finally decide to do them in the same episode that they have to compete at Regionals. Let's get through this mess together.

We open the episode up with Blaine singing Misery by Maroon 5. Yes, the other Warblers are there but it's Blaine's song and it's annoying. Then he ends it off with the clunkiest line about how Regionals have just met their opening number. Cool story, bro. 

Blaine comments on a bird cage cover that Kurt has for Pavarotti. I will remind you that Pavarotti is the Warblers' bird mascot. Kurt has been put in charge as the newest member, of caring for him. He is in fact, the Warblers' pet. He belongs to all of the Warblers. I am making a big point of telling you this because later on in the episode, something happens to this bird and I just want to set up how weirdly it plays out. Anyway, Blaine excitedly asks Kurt what he thinks of their opening number and Kurt takes the opportunity to completely unleash all of the complaints that viewers were having with Blaine, me absolutely included and that is that he sings WAY. TOO. MUCH. Unfortunately, he also claims that Blaine's solos are "breathtaking" to which I have to ask.

No, he is not and neither are his solos

Blaine claims that the council decides who gets the solos and I call absolute bs on this because either he's bribing the council members or he's somehow on the council or they don't matter. Spoiler alert, Kurt is right and this is Blaine and the Pips. Blaine runs the show.

Rachel is now singing her new original song, Only Child. It is still really bad. Slightly better than My Headband but still really bad. Finn tells her to access the part of her that finds the emotion when singing and write her song from there. 

We then get Quinn voice overing about how she's insecure about Finn and Rachel. I don't get why because Finn is a block of wood and both these girls deserve better, even if Quinn is a bit of a serial cheater. Also, Finn kept rejecting Rachel so I don't see how she's this big threat to Quinn just because he's secret-helping Rachel with her songs via only listening to them in secret. He never stood up for her in front of people so, for all anyone cares, Finn doesn't care about Rachel at all. But we need conflict so Quinn is going to pretend to be Rachel's friend to get her away from Finn because she wants to be Prom Queen. 

Kurt is sitting and whistling with Pavarotti but gets concerned when he stops whistling back and keels over. We then cut to Blaine arguing with the Warbler's about what boring uniform they'll wear to Regionals. Spoilers, they wear the same damn thing they always wear. Kurt bursts in and tells everyone that Pavarotti died and Blaine's reaction is concern for Kurt. In fact, everyone seems to feel bad for Kurt and I'm sorry. Was this not ALL of their pet and therefore ALL of their loss? Why is everyone consoling Kurt? Why wouldn't Kurt be telling everyone that he's sorry that Pavarotti is gone? I don't get this and its bewildering to me. No one seems sad that their bird is gone, they just look sad for Kurt. It's all basically to set up Kurt singing a song for Pavarotti. It's Blackbird by The Beatles which is honestly one of the prettiest songs they've written and Kurt does fantastic with it. The Warblers join in and it sounds really good. The only distracting thing is that this is the moment. This is the moment that Blaine starts to be attracted to Kurt. Not the getting coffee together forever, not the confiding in each other, not when Kurt expressed his feelings for Blaine multiple times only for Blaine to rip his heart out ala Lisa dumping Ralph. No, he only starts to see Kurt as a romantic interest when he sings a song for their dead bird mascot. Weird.

Next we find out that My Chemical Romance has sent them a cease and desist letter about their performing SING for Regionals. Something always has to prevent them from having a solid plan for Regionals and this is the weakest. Sue pulled strings, though it's later found out she forged the letter completely, so that they couldn't perform that song. The kids are disappointed and Rachel once again tells them that they need to do original songs for Regionals. I'm going to be perfectly honest, as much as I love Rachel, this is the dumbest idea and I honestly don't think it would help them win. Writing songs is hard, writing catchy and memorable songs is harder. You can't tell me that judges at a singing competition where everyone else is singing recognizable hits, will award first place to a bunch of kids singing songs no one has heard of. On top of this, I know exactly why they are trying to do this. Royalties. But if they thought it was hard to write scripts every week that are solid, I don't know how they ever thought they could write original songs weekly that would sell the way their covers did. Honestly, even after royalty pay outs, I bet those songs made them more in iTunes sales than any of the original songs did. I'm sorry to rant like this but it's been bugging me. This was not done in service of good storytelling but was pushed as a way to make more money. Period. It's transparent and annoying and just downright stupid. 

Did you like that rant? Because I have another one coming up right now. Everyone wants to vote Rachel down a second time and Finn is just sitting there like a scared little shit saying nothing. Quinn steps up to put her plan into action and backs Rachel up (to the delight of the Faberry shippers) and ONLY then does Finn pipe up and say that they're both right. What a fucking tool. What a joke. This is the guy that people are supposed to ship with Rachel? This is the LEAD guy? Are you serious? A boring plank of wood with mediocre vocal talent who doesn't stand up for the girl he supposedly loves if no one else is willing to first? NO. Uh-uh. Demand better for yourselves. I don't care if you are a guy or a girl or who you are going for, demand better in a partner than someone as cowardly as Finn. Secret support does not count, he should have been proud to stand up for her the first time she brought this up, especially since he apparently agrees it's a good idea. If he really thought it was a good idea, he'd be pushing it too but he didn't. He sat quietly by while Rachel did all the work, let Quinn be the one to stand against the haters for him and only then back it up. I hate this so much. I hate Finn so much. He's not a good character. So, the rest of the kids are on bored but Santana wants a chance to write songs too. Mercedes asks Will and, ever the pleaser, he agrees that they're doing original songs for Regionals. 

Brittany confronts Santana about their lack of friendship and asks if she did something wrong. Apparently, Brittany forgot about rejecting Santana in favour of Artie like, last episode. I know she's portrayed as dumb but damn, that's next level forgetfulness. You know why she's upset, she literally told you this when you said she was second choice behind Artie, of all people. Santana is whatever because she's going to write an amazing song about Sam to sing at Regionals. Brittany is confused that she's still with Sam after confessing her love for her but like, what did you want Santana to do, Brittany? Again, I know you're dumb but honestly, if you expected her to cry and wait for you to be done with Artie while remaining single, that's pretty fucked up. Santana pretends to be confused about why she ever had feelings for Brittany which is something I can super relate to. It sucks when you pour your feelings out to someone who rejects you and then acts like you still like them and they have that over you while they're with someone else. It's not a good feeling. Sue comes in to make a gross, disparaging comment about Naya's implants again (let's not pretend this is Sue talking to Santana here, this is RIB talking to Naya and they will not let this go. It's really gross). She then gets them back for betraying her by stuffing dirt into their lockers which pours out onto them when they open them. 

The Warblers are now shown fawning over Blaine's singing which honestly makes me want to hurl. They're trying to joke about how everyone complains that he busts onto the scene and gets a song practically every episode while long time favourites have been shoved to the background. Hell, Sam joined the cast first and has sung less than Blaine. How the hell does that work? Yet, they're trying to frame it as the Warblers love him soooo much that they just wanted him to sing all their songs. Whatever happened to those auditions and the council and junk? But ever benevolent Blaine has decided that he doesn't want to silence anyone's voices so he has decreed that instead of him singing a solo...he wants to sing a duet. Oh, did you think he was going to give away the spotlight? Fuck no, Blaine will simply share it. Are they going to hold auditions? Fuck no! This is Blaine's Warblers and he will choose whose voice they will showcase, who he will share the spotlight with. It's Kurt. He's decided he wants to share it with Kurt because he loves him now because of a dead bird. Kurt has the grace to tell Blaine that's ridiculous since everyone should at least get a shot but this is Blaine's club and what he says, his followers will do. This is the Cult of Blaine, no one has thoughts of their own.

Back at New Directions, Will is asking for suggestions from everyone to write their song while Rachel and Quinn work on a separate one. Santana has already been working on a song with Tina and she wants to perform it. It's called Trouty Mouth and it is the best thing ever. Ironically, of course. The lyrics are terrible but in a testament to Naya's singing ability, she manages to rock it and make it sound sultry as hell. It's not a good song but it's definitely fun. 

Sam, of course, hates it because the entire song is just different and insulting names about his lips. He does not want to perform this for Regionals and Will agrees but diplomatically says it doesn't have the epic feel they need. Puck now wants to share his song with everyone. He's dedicated it to Lauren as a way to make up for Fat Bottom Girl making her feel bad. How does he do this? By writing a song called Big Ass...Heart. Do you see what I mean where the entire joke of this relationship is that she's so fat and why would Puck want her? Do you see how weirdly mean this all is? I hate this song more than anything. Does it have a catchy tune? Yes but it is incredibly marred by the fact that every lyric is a joke at Lauren's weight but shielded by how he's ACTUALLY talking about her heart. No. It doesn't work that way and is very clearly a fat mocking song. I don't like this and I don't get how Lauren was embarrassed by Fat Bottom Girl but is into this when it is 10 times more insulting. Will thinks it's a contender (I highly disagree) but says they need to keep working on it.

Quinn talks to Finn about prom and how she wants to run for Prom King and Queen. She thinks the perfect thing will be to win Regionals, go public with their relationship and start campaigning. Finn thinks it's too soon and worries about Rachel's feelings. I mean, you haven't cared about her feelings much so far, why start now? He wants to wait until after Nationals and Quinn gets rightfully upset. This is framed as Quinn being duplicitous but like, she has a point. They are in a relationship and it's really insulting that Finn wants to keep it quiet. Finn has the gall when she gets up to say "Whoa, scary Quinn" Like he's being bullied into going public but that's super not fair. Why do men do this? Act like women are just crazy when they're upset? I hate it. Quinn is totally right to be upset about this and he should really consider if he wants this relationship if he doesn't want to tell anyone about it. Also, where did his hesitancy come from when he was all for pursuing Quinn and already told Rachel he was into Quinn over her. Why the secrecy?? How the secrecy?? Sam dumped Quinn for a reason. Wouldn't it confirm to everyone that the Finn/Quinn thing was legit? None of this makes sense.

Blaine finds Kurt decorating a casket for Pavarotti and tells him about the song HE wants them to sing at Regionals. This is the Blaine show after all, why should Kurt get a say. Honestly, they really should've gone with Kurt's Blackbird performance because the song they choose is Candles by Hey Monday and it is...well we'll get to that. Blaine confesses his feelings for Kurt and that they came on definitely while Kurt sang for their dead bird so yeah. They kiss and all the Klaine fans lost their collective minds. I'm happy for them but this could not interest me less.

Mercedes sings her song for the group and it's called Hell to the No. Past me, upon first viewing, hated it. Present me, thinks it's catchy as hell. Way better than Rachel's song, I'm so sorry Rachel but your song is boring. Will doesn't think it's quite right so Santana pipes up that she wrote another verse of Trouty Mouth. Will shuts that down too and asks them what their favourite songs are. Brittany says "My Headband" which is a quick and funny callback to Rachel's first song writing attempt. I love it. Santana likes "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morrissette which is an awesome choice. Puck likes What's Going On? by Marvin Gaye. Will asks what all the songs are about and Brittany helpfully says "headbands". Will says they come from a place of pain and that they need to also write from a place of pain. They all start telling stories about how Sue torments them which should really be reported and she should be fired but this is Glee so we overlook this. One of the insults is "loser" which Will writes down and asks them how it makes them feel. Finn says it hurts at first but mostly makes them want to win and Will thinks they've found their song. He writes Loser Like Me on the whiteboard and tells them to get to writing. 

Rachel confronts Quinn about Finn and she tells her that they are dating. Rachel says she's happy for them but tells her not to try to change history because it was real between her and Finn and he chose her over Quinn. Rude. Quinn asks how long that lasted and Rachel asks why she's being so mean. I love you, Rachel, but you were mean first. Quinn points out that Rachel is going to leave and become a big star and she's going to be stuck in Lima with Finn and why can't she just see that it's not going to work out. Rachel refuses to give up on Finn so Quinn gets upset and tells her that if she keeps living in fantasy land, she's never going to get a happy ending. She's never going to get it right. Rachel leaves saying she'll write her song on her own and burst into quiet tears once her back is turned. I want to feel bad but like, Quinn is right. Rachel is meant for better things than Finn. Quinn is too, for that matter. We cut to Rachel in her bedroom, furiously scribbling words into a notebook as she cries. The title of her song? Get it Right.

Rachel, I beg you to stop being so tied up with Finn

Sue bumps into Will by the buses and lets him know that the letter from My Chemical Romance was forged by her and completely fake. Will isn't bothered and thanks her because it gave him and the kids the chance to try their hand at songwriting. Sue thinks he's trying to lose which is legit. Will is super confident though, even when Sue says she tailored her set list to the judge's interests.

We find out that the judges are Rod Remington (the news anchor that Sue wanted to date from season 1), Tea Party candidate Tammy Jean Albertson (played by Kathy Griffin), and a nun. The first choir up is Sue's Aural Intensity and they sing Jesus is my Friend by Sonseed. Will and the kids look nervous and we cut backstage to Kurt and Blaine waiting to go on next. Kurt is super nervous which Blaine thinks is adorable. He says that they are going to kill this number and they definitely are but not in the good way.

I can't adequately explain to you how awful this cover sounds. Even by Glee standards, this is bad. I know everyone rags on Glee for sounding kidz bop-ish but this isn't even on par with that. I know I'm making it sound probably worse than it actually is and people will listen and go, it's not that bad but I'm telling you, this is bad. They don't sound in tune, their voices aren't meshing together, and everything sounds off in this song. It's terrible. I'm honestly convinced that they mixed it bad on purpose so it would make more sense that New Directions would win. Spoilers, sorry but reallly this show is ten years old now. They sing Raise Your Glass by Pink next which is better and of course Blaine is the soloist again because this is the Blaine show. 

Finn tells Rachel to break a leg and she says that the last time they were there he told her he loved her. Oof, don't do that, Rachel. You sound so desperate and I hate it. Finn tells her he likes her song and she says that she means every word of it. She performs Get it Right as her solo and it is painfully boring. She sounds great on it but it's just not a good song. Kurt comments that they're doing original songs as if we didn't already figure that out? It's such a weird line. They then break into the Glee anthem, Loser Like Me and it's...ok. It's cute and it's definitely catchy. I don't know that it's strong enough to win a competition like this but it's definitely fun and I like the ending with the signature slushy throw but instead of slushy, it's confetti. That was a nice touch. The audience seems to love it so we'll see.

Can we also talk about the production values of them
bringing a slushy machine as a prop?

They have the obligatory judges scene where they quip about all the performances. In all honesty, in the real world, Aural Intensity would win. I honestly don't know how it ended up otherwise other than the Nun, who was a former stripper, doesn't like being pandered to. Well, we cut to the stage again where all the choirs are waiting for the verdict. For some reason the person reading the winner is a Lieutenant Governor's wife who is drunk and had been verbally abused by her husband because...comedy? I'll never understand this style of random "dark" humour. Like, what is the joke here? That she's been verbally abused and is coping by getting blasted? That's actually really dark and not funny. But this is Glee and they thrive on this kind of humour. She's as bored as I am and quickly announces that New Directions won. They celebrate while Sue walks up and punches the woman directly in the face. How she's not arrested and charged with assault immediately is beyond me but I'll admit that I did laugh. So, I guess this random violence got me to laugh but I stand by that joking about spousal abuse is yikes.

We then cut to Blaine and Kurt burying Pavarotti because apparently none of the other Warblers cared about this club mascot. Or really, they didn't want to pay those guys to be here. Blaine reminds Kurt that funerals must remind him of his mother which is weird but Kurt is actually more upset about losing Regionals because he really wanted to win. Blaine says they did win because they got each other but...I'd still call that losing. I'm sorry! I already warned you guys I'm not a Klaine fan. 

Will is on the phone with Holly who we do not see or hear because they probably can't afford Gwyneth for that. He hangs up and congratulates everyone for their win but also says they have to recognize someone else. He wants to award an MVP and by unanimous vote, that is Rachel. She is stunned and I'm honestly really happy that they are recognizing her, as much as I didn't agree that original songs were a good idea and didn't particularly like her song at all. This is still a sweet moment and Rachel gets up to thank everyone for choosing her and they all cheer and hug. CUT. Sorry, it's just this episode felt very rushed by the end and it feels like the episode just stops, abruptly. 

There are some things I liked about this episode, Trouty Mouth and Hell to the No being near the top but overall this felt very disconnected from the other episodes. It's like they were just chugging along, struggling to think up new stories and then realized "holy crap! The season's almost over and this is when we planned to do the Regionals episode!" and they scrambled to cram everything in here. It would have been nice to have spaced out the original songs. Really, everyone should have been on board from the beginning and each episode could have featured one or two attempts from people leading up to the grand reveal of the actual songs. Also, not to be mean but I feel like they made the other songs such jokes so that their legitimate songs would look better. They didn't. This doesn't work at all and it's very obvious that they were trying this in order to make more money off song sales because they wouldn't have to pay other artists for their songs. The fun of Glee is hearing the songs you know. It's a juke box musical and there is nothing wrong with that so long as the songs fit. On top of that, everything involving the Warblers were just annoying to me because I can't stand Blaine. Honestly? I don't care that he was Starkid or some junk. I don't care that he was in some Harry Potter Musical. Here, he is Blaine and he is boring af and is way too overhyped on this show considering there are a lot of singers on this show who are miles above him. Even Puck is a better and more charismatic singer than Blaine. Hell, I'll even take Finn over him. This is how much I am unimpressed with him and his singing. Less of him going forward please, she begs, fully aware that this will not come true and will only get worse. 

Pray for me as we continue on with A Night of Neglect.