Original air date: March 8, 2011
I'm going to start this recap with a recap of last episode because honestly, this lack of consistency is mind-boggling to me. So, in the last episode, Santana and Sam are officially dating, Quinn seems depressed that she and Sam are not dating, Kurt demands that his father learns about gay sex so he can be ready to have answers for him, Emma and John Stamos, also known as Carl, are buying a house together, and Will left an embarrassingly drunken message on Emma's phone about wanting to bang her behind Carl's back. How do you think this episode will build on all of this? If you are trying to give serious analysis on how you think those arcs are going to go, oh you sweet summer child. For the rest of you gleeks, you know what's in store.
Emma is now the head of the celibacy club. That thing from season 1 that Quinn was the president of or some junk. Rachel has also joined which is so fundamentally opposed to the character she was in season 1 that it makes me super sad. She came off as so sex positive to me and I loved that. Let teen girls like sex on tv shows, for fuck sakes. Rachel is obsessed with finding out details about Quinn and Finn's relationship but she is refusing to answer anything. Emma is happy that they are choosing to be celibate and thinks it's great for teen or even older and married women. Um, Emma, no. Here's the thing, Ace people exist but I have zero faith that this is either a) an intentional bit of representation and b) that the writers will approach it with any thought or decency. I'm so sorry to any Ace readers because this episode is not good for you. This episode isn't good for anyone.
Emma is complaining to Will about how her chastity charms aren't being taken seriously by the students and right away, can you spot a glaring consistency issue? We're literally in the second scene of this episode and they've already done fucked up. We left last episode with Will's embarrassing drunken message to Emma where she looked like this while listening to it:
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| She did not look fine with it |
Will encourages her to keep letting kids know that abstinence is an option when, to my horror, Holly bursts into the scene obnoxiously spouting how lame that is. The way she talks grates on my nerves. She is 100% Poochie in her scenes. Just loud and super cool to the point of fakeness. Will, unlike me, is happy to see her and Emma looks a bit upset at their familiarity. They start chatting about celibacy and Holly thinks it's unrealistic. Look, she's not wrong that for most kids, this goal is unrealistic but I still hate her. Just let me hate her, she sucks. Still, she does want to educate the kids and says that the glee kids are the stupidest when it comes to sex. We flash over to her showing the kids how to put a condom on a cucumber and Finn is worried that cucumbers give you AIDS and Mercedes freaks out because she just had them on her salad. Emma thinks that they shouldn't steal the kids' innocence and that sex is not for kids or adults. Emma is clearly uncomfortable with the idea of sex but this episode is not going to explore Asexuality in the slightest so don't get excited. Much as it would have been interesting.
Remember how Brittany was mad at Santana for ignoring her in Duets? How that was never resolved? Well, guess they became friends again off screen to the point that they're getting their lady kisses on in secret behind both of their boyfriends' backs. This came out of no where and while it's something fans had been begging for since the first season and I'm happy they get this, it doesn't fully add up for me because they didn't develop this properly. They set it up but then skipped the part in the middle to get to this because they realized they're already 15 episodes into the season and haven't touched this story at all. It's lazy. Brittany doesn't feel up to sweet lady kisses though because she has a bun in the oven. Santana says she won't tell but immediately tells Tina who tells Puck who tells Lauren who tells Artie. Oops.
In glee club, Will wants to get deep into their Regionals set list which is a moot point because we all know they're just going to wing it at the last second with perfect choreography and harmony. He notices Artie looking upset and asks what's up. Artie spills the beans about the pregnancy and calls Brittany out for not telling him. She's sorry but it quickly becomes clear that Brittany is out of her mind. Is it morally right for either Artie or Santana to date and/or have sexual relations with a girl who is so mentally stunted that she still believes storks bring babies? I don't know, I get that this is supposed to be funny but it automatically makes her romantic entanglements super uncomfortable.
Will goes to Holly because he finally realizes that the glee kids need sexual education. Not the rest of the school though, fuck them. Only the glee kids matter here. She's running a jazzercise class for reasons that are unclear and yet possibly gross, ie the guys all have a huge crush on Gwyneth and want to see her in tight exercise clothes while she and Will recreate the scene from Saturday Night Fever but while talking about secretly teaching the kids sex ed through song. Will thinks it's a great idea but...isn't that part of the problem? That kids are only getting vague insights into the world of sex from hypersexualized songs, shows, movies, etc.? Like singing songs that deal with sex is not an education in the slightest and this is a very bad, bad idea.
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| They should both be ashamed |
At Glee club, his word of the day is "sexy" which is something that a teacher probably shouldn't be encouraging his underage highschool students to be. You know? I'm not saying that teens can't explore that side of themselves but I am saying that an adult with authority over them shouldn't be pushing them to that. You dig? Santana is worried about their chances at Regionals when Rachel is wearing unsexy tights. Will isn't concerned about Regionals though, he's worried about their sex education. I'm pretty sure the school would get into some super hot water if they found out a glee coach was trying to teach his kids about sex outside of the health and wellness class. Like, weren't the kids literally shown to be in the health and wellness class? Are they not admitting that Holly sucks as a teacher if she is teaching them sex ed there and also going to try to sing at them now? This is just a mess.
Will introduces Holly in to help them and Mercedes is not pleased to see the salad lady again which I had completely missed the reference to because I was distracted by my son the first time I watched this. Luckily, I had my friend Lucas remind me of the earlier scene about the cucumber when we were talking about this episode that I had just seen but he had not. He is a way better and bigger Gleek than I will ever be and I'm thankful I have him to bounce my thoughts off of about this show. I did find it funny that Holly calls Finn out for believing he got someone pregnant via a hot tub because that shit never flew with me. She also calls Brittany out for believing storks bring babies. She mocks Rachel and Quinn for being celibate, calling them prudes. I don't agree with this. Look, it's fine if you yourself make the decision to wait to have sex, whether you want to wait until you graduate, until you get a serious partner, or until marriage. If that's your choice, you do you and it does not make you frigid, interesting that in an episode written by men I'll remind you, only the women are celibate at the time when they are mocked for being frigid. Just an interesting note. Women are either frigid prudes or sluts, right? Will shifts the focus by suggesting a song and Holly says that the thing you want to do before having sex is be touched. She then starts singing Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah) by Joan Jett. It's really uncomfortable to watch in part because I hate Gwyneth Paltrow and her singing but also that it's entirely in there because the guys find this hot, especially from Will's facial expressions. I just can't get into this. Great song but stick to Joan Jett. Don't worry, Holly tells the kids that when they sleep with someone, they're sleeping with everyone they've ever slept with. So, I guess they're just fear mongering much like with the celibacy club? That wasn't informative at all. Jesus Christ. I mean, no one should be getting sex ed from a tv show but when this show is decrying all the misinformation from entertainment that kids get and says they want to do something about it, you'd expect a little more thought and effort to be put in.
Kurt and Blaine are at their coffee shop when Sue shows up behind them. They banter for a bit before she launches into a spiel about how Will's club is trying to be sexy to edge out their competition at Regionals. She wants Kurt to give her some intel but Kurt is not in cahoots with her so she wanders off while muttering that he made a powerful enema (watch the episode if you want this to make sense, it's not that worth it though). Blaine has taken her advice though and wants to hold a meeting with the Warblers to offer something sexy.
Emma tells off Will about letting Holly come in and talk about sex with his kids. Will says that she should bring her celibacy club and do a number too, in the spirit of fairness. They are teaching through song and says that her song choice could be a counter argument to Holly's. Um, what even was Holly's argument? That people like to be touched on their privates? What song is going to counter that exactly? Emma seems fine with this and runs off to prepare.
Lauren finds Puck in the hallway and tells him that she wants to make a sex tape because she wants to be rich and famous like the Kardashians. Oof, what a poison that type of infamy has wrought on us all. Also, this whole thing is just part of the whole, Zizes thinks she's sexy joke that feels really mean-spirited but they try to hide behind the fact that she's a confident character. Yeah, uh huh, Zizes is very confident in herself and that's great but it's clear through the writing what the joke is supposed to be and I don't like it.
Blaine has invited some girls from their sister school to watch them perform and he's making eyes at them and clearly wants them to be turned on by him. Words cannot describe how unappealing and boring I find Blaine but this honestly just makes me mad. I think it's his smugness that does it for me. They sing Animal by Neon Trees and it all turns into a foam party for some reason. Blaine also looks confused by Kurt's dancing and facial expressions. When the song finishes, the girls give Blaine their number and he smugly tells them it's sweet but he doesn't play for their team. It's played as if the girls are dumb for even trying but he was literally trying to woo them so this feels really manipulative and mean-spirited on Blaine's part and I'm completely aware that my reading of this is motivated entirely on my hatred for him as a character. I make no apologies but just remember my bias. Kurt is worried he isn't sexy enough and Blaine offers to help him figure something out.
Brittany tries to talk to Santana about their relationship but Santana isn't interested in exploring their feelings, preferring only to explore their bodies. Santana urges Brittany to reiterate why it isn't cheating (different plumbing) which feels a bit gross that she's been feeding Brittany that line in order to get her to agree to cheating. This is what I meant when it became uncomfy to think of Brittany in a romantic relationship with anyone because it seems like people are just...taking advantage of her lack of IQ to sleep with her? I don't like any of this and this scene only intensified my earlier discomfort. Brittany wants to talk to an adult about their relationship and that's confusingly mature of her to ask for.
Puck and Lauren are watching the Kim Kardashian sex tape in order to figure out a plan for their own. Holly walks by and stops to ask what they're doing. They openly explain to her their plan to make their own sex tape. She applauds them for their ambition and comfort with their bodies but informs them that by making a sex tape while they're minors that they will be producing and in possession of CP which is definitely a good bit of knowledge that Mark Saling really should have taken to heart. Actually, it kind of makes me wonder...did they know? Did the writers know about Mark and make this dig to him or was this a horrifying coincidence that his character was involved in a storyline that acted as a message about CP?
Santana and Brittany ask for Holly's help and she invites them into her classroom. Holly asks them if they are lesbian and Santana isn't sure because she's extremely sexual and attracted to most people. Are we going to explore this as an option for her? No but it's still not a bad storyline. Holly thinks that it's not who you're attracted to but who you fall in love with that determines what you are and I highly disagree. Again, Bi people exist and they don't stop being Bi because they have settled on one partner. They've just found the person they love. People really need to stop dictating how people feel and fucking just ask people what they feel. I feel like this show is trying to tell me that you have to pick a side but sexuality is about as binary as gender, in that it's not really. Some people fall into the binary but a lot of people are just floating around in the middle and that's perfectly ok. It's all valid with consenting adults. Holly thinks that they might be able to find a song where they could both explore and express their feelings and Santana agrees but wants Holly to help them out. Holly trots out her catch phrase, I thought you'd never ask.
Blaine is trying to help Kurt with his sexy faces but Kurt is actually making uncomfortable faces because he doesn't know how to be sexy. He blames his lack of having sex on his lack of knowledge but I really don't think you need to have had sex to give you knowledge. Blaine wants to help him but Kurt likes romance and isn't interested in learning about sex. Is Kurt going to be our Gay Ace icon? No, he's just unsure about sex, I'm sorry. He kicks Blaine out before Blaine can talk to him about sex any further.
Will has asked for Holly's help with a song. He wants to turn Prince's Kiss into a tango and needs her help making sure it's appropriate. Will. Buddy. Amigo. Nothing you do with that glee club is appropriate, why do you care now? They perform the song together and it's ok. I'm not a big Prince fan, I'm sorry to all the Prince fans, I know how passionate you are about him but I've never been a fan of his particular brand of falsetto singing. The performance ends and Will is super into Holly and kisses her. She pulls back because she doesn't want to hurt him or something about being damaged goods. She leaves him with blue balls and I kind of laugh.
You ready for some more boundary crossing in an episode that loves boundary crossing? Well, get ready because the guy that Burt caught in his son's bed is going to lecture him about having the sex talk with his son. Which is highly, highly presumptuous and more than a little gross. Hey, dude, educate your son so that I might get somewhere with him. I know, we're going with Blaine not liking Kurt at this point but for all Burt knows, they are into each other and here's this kid pushing him to have a sex talk with his own son. Thankfully he apologizes if he crossed the line and Burt, king that he is, tells him flat out that he did but that he'd consider it.
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| Never question Burt on his superior parenting skills |
From here we cut to Holly, Santana, and Brittany singing Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, although it's clear they are doing the Dixie Chicks version (Now known as The Chicks). I don't know if the song truly works to express their emotions because I believe Stevie Nicks wrote the song contemplating ending things with bandmate Lindsay Buckingham and going to school, or staying with him. It's a pretty mournful song about how quickly life can throw things your way that you aren't prepared to handle, hence landslide. Now, I suppose you could read this as Santana contemplating ending things with Sam to be with Brittany but it feels a bit murky. Still, beautiful cover and I love it despite Holly being too in the lead in what I think should have mostly been sung by Santana and Brittany (with probably Santana in the lead as it's her struggles we're working through this episode). Sam and Artie are oblivious to what they just watched, thinking it's great that their girlfriends are so close and wish they could be that close. Rachel gets it though and applauds their "exploring the uncharted world of sapphic charm" which I totally think she genuinely meant as a compliment but Santana is not pleased and doesn't want a label slapped on her.
Emma is holding another celibacy club meeting and it appears that Puck has also joined. Rachel and Quinn are not enthused and think he's just being annoying but Puck claims he wants to set himself straight after almost making CP with Lauren. I'm just going to say another yikes to myself before moving on. Emma is excited to have a guy to round out their voices for the song they want to perform. Puck thinks they need another guy to balance them out and Emma has them covered.
Cut to Stamos playing the drums and singing Afternoon Delight by Starland Vocal Band for the Glee club. The joke is, they think it sounds wholesome but everyone else knows the song is about sex and let me just say, this is joke number two that I've caught Glee stealing from Arrested Development.
I get it, it's an awesome show but get your own material, Brad. That's right, I know you wrote this episode, had to write Gwyneth in again, huh? Wonder why that was? HMMMMM? Guess we'll never know. Yes, I'm a bitch but only because both him and GOOP lady suck.
Holly, being the absolute cool chick that she is, asks why they chose this particular song sing because it's an odd choice for the celibacy club. Emma thinks the song was written for America's bicentennial and is about dessert and fireworks and is super wholesome. Holly tells her it's about sneaking off for a nooner. Emma still thinks that's a reference to having dessert. Carl then sneaks over to Holly and asks her if she takes appointments. Dude, she's a high school sex ed substitute teacher. Please go see an actual licensed marriage counsellor. Emma is still defending the song choice, insisting that an Afternoon Delight is a dessert made with coconut and marshmallow fluff. Carl wants an appointment with Holly ASAP.
So, remember last episode when Kurt demanded that Burt educate himself on gay sex so that he could ask questions and talk to his father like any straight kid would? Burt came prepared with pamphlets and now Kurt is all "LALALALA DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU!" and offended that Burt wants to have the talk with him. Apparently, Burt had to educate himself and then wait for Kurt to call upon him. Burt hands him the pamphlets and tells him that a lot of the mechanics are covered in there and encourages him to read them in his own time and come talk to him if he has questions. Kurt says fine and gets up to go but Burt isn't done because he's the best dad and Kurt should recognize. His speech is not perfect, he's making the generalization that all men think of sex as physical and all women think of sex as emotional which is not true. It's very varied but I will agree that it's probably a higher percentage of women than men who put emotional weight into sex but I think that's largely due to the social constructs we've placed on men and women, with men being told they must "sow their wild oats" and that women are sluts if they have sex thereby creating a confusing world in which men think women don't want sex and have to trick them into it when really, it's about making connections with people? I don't know, I feel like guys get terrible advice for relationships from everywhere they look and women pay the price for it and it really sucks for everyone involved. Burt does end on a good note, saying that when he's ready, he should use it to make a connection with someone and that he shouldn't throw himself around like he doesn't matter. He tells Kurt that he matters and I think that's a nice way of giving your kid a confidence boost and reinforcing that he will make good decisions about sex in the future. I hope. And to Kurt's credit, as much as he whined about getting the talk after asking for the talk in the last episode, he did at least thank his dad.
Holly has Carl and Emma in her classroom to chat. Emma thinks there is no problem but Carl insists there is. It's been four months that they've been married and they still haven't had sex. Um, that is a huge problem. Again, Ace people exist and a lot like being in relationships but like, I think this is something that you would talk about with your partner before marriage and this is still not Ace rep. If you haven't guessed, Emma is holding out on doing the deed because she's still in love with Will. She doesn't fully admit it but Holly flat out asks her and Emma can't answer. Carl is going to stay in a hotel so that Emma can figure out the answer on her own and Emma asks Holly not to tell Will about any of this. Holly says her lips are sealed, just like her legs and then goes on about how rude that was and how she's not a real doctor. I don't know, I hate every second she's on my screen with her try-hard antics.
Santana talks to Brittany by her lockers and confesses her feelings for her fully. She doesn't want to be with any guys, she just wants to be with Brittany. See, this is where I think the writers are like "you're gay or straight, PICK!" and not that open with the concept of sexual fluidity. Santana and Brittany both seem like very bi and just sexual people and I don't think there would have been anything wrong with portraying them like this and having their love for each other be just as legit. This is a very touching scene though and with everything Santana confesses about her fears of being out and begging Brittany to feel the same way, you definitely get invested and hopeful that Brittany will reciprocate. She does but she also loves Artie (so, I think they might let Brittany be bi?) but also, really?
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| (Just replace Her? With Him?) Yes, I'm stealing a joke from Arrested Development but I have the guts to say it and attribute it |
Seriously, girl? Artie. You're gonna not be with Santana because you love Artie? We talking about the same misogynistic white boy pretending to be a pimp with gangsta speak Artie? That's who you're going to stay with over Santana? Brittany is not good at decisions, people. Santana is pissed and I don't blame her for it. I'd be pissed too if someone chose Artie over me.
Lauren is pissed that Puck joined the celibacy club but Puck makes some declaration of how much he likes her and wants to make a change and I guess it works because she kisses him and says that if they can play footsie in the club, she's in. Puck is happy but he's honestly hard to look at for reasons mentioned earlier in this recap.
The celibacy club is back in order with Rachel leading it. NOOO, Rachel. How could you betray me like this? Why are you being the Quinn from last season? Ugh. Also, for some reason Santana, Brittany, and Artie have all joined? I don't know what's going on. Rachel does acknowledge that while right now they are celibate, they will fall in love eventually and want to be intimate with someone. Puck notices a hickey on Quinn's neck and asks her about it. She claims she was burnt by her curling iron this morning. Brittany suggests using your iron in the bath so as not to get burnt. Don't do that.
Quinn explains to us via voice over that it was in fact a hickey and she thought she was caught. Quinn is in bed with Finn and they have clearly been fooling around. How far, not sure but he's the one that gave her the hickey. They are fully clothed but in tv land, you can have full on sex with tight leather pants on without undoing anything (looking at you, Buffy). So, who knows but I think the lesson here is, Quinn sucks at Celibacy Club and I don't even know why she bothers pretending when she wants to have sexual experiences. It just messes with her self-esteem. Celibacy is a fine option, if it is your choice but teens should not be made to feel like they should be celibate when they are curious about sex. That way leads to shame and no one should feel ashamed if they are curious about or enjoy sex.
Holly finds Will working through some choreography for Regionals. Look, dude, Regionals is next week, I think. In the immortal words of Missy from Bring it On, if you don't got it by now, you don't got it. Holly is leaving (hooray) because parents complained about her cucumber demonstration making it impossible to watch Veggie Tales the same way. Uh, why would any high schooler be watching Veggie Tales willingly? This is very clear they just wanted to make this stupid joke without really thinking it through and it's really a throwaway line so I shouldn't be thinking this deeply on it but I can't help it. Isn't that a show for like preschoolers? Either way, she's just so hip and cool that she thought using a cucumber for health class made the show "hilarious" and yeah, Veggie Tales seems to be her level of entertainment. Will doesn't want to say goodbye but after she performed the Stevie Nicks song, she finally realized she's getting older too and thinks they shouldn't. Apparently seeing that Emma still had the hots for Will, made her interested because that's how women's minds work. Good job, Brad, you clearly spent time and effort on understanding people's behaviours and aren't just perpetuating a dangerous stereotype of women spread by pick up artists and incels. GOOD JOB. Will doesn't get it and Holly brushes past it and says she wants to give romance a try. Will promises to teach her and they kiss.
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| Drama! |
Well, I kind of hated everything about this episode. Except for Landslide. That was gorgeous and I do really like the way they're trying to explore Santana's struggles with coming out. I think they made her sexual fluidity a bit of a joke rather than exploring it fully but it's something. They're trying. Well, they're trying to try. As far as sex education? This tackled nothing. Absolutely nothing about what safe sex could be. Yes, they mentioned condoms but like, I still feel like this episode really only talked about abstinence as the answer and that's not a great representation or particularly sex positive. It's interesting that for all the mocking, most of the kids ended up in Celibacy Club by the end. Sure, Rachel acknowledged that they'd eventually love someone and get curious but like, what is wrong with representing the kids that want to explore it in a healthy and safe way? I was probably closer to an incel in my teens (I wasn't a shitty person, mind you) but I really, really wanted to have sex and was so curious about it. I just never had the opportunity or meet someone I wanted to share that with. Hence, involuntary celibate. My point is that celibacy whether by choice or not doesn't necessarily erase the curiosity or the need for knowledge. Sex feels good but comes with risks and there are a whole host of issues that come with it in your teen years, especially if you're a girl and this show is not equipped to deal with those realities as the writers just wouldn't know how it is for girls. It's why they are often painted quite negatively around this topic. Basically, most people are curious about sex in their teens and you can't stop that by telling them not to have it.
Now, my big, huge pet peeve for this episode is Emma. She has been in two fairly committed relationships since this show started. One because she couldn't have Will which was entirely toxic of her because she was clearly disgusted by Ken. Now this current one with Carl in which she has married him. If the writers were trying to write her as Asexual, I could understand her reticence towards sex, it honestly would even make sense from her germophobic perspective too. Something like sex might be a huge trigger for her as moisture is involved, kissing, ejaculation, wet pussies, all that stuff might ick her out. I could totally see that as a character trait for her. But it's not and it ties in to the virgin/whore complex that so many men have towards women. No, the only reason they've written Emma as not wanting to have sex with her hot husband of FOUR fucking months, is because she's in love with Will. Words cannot express how much I hate this trope where the lead females of the show must remain pure and virginal for the male hero who gets to sleep with whoever the hell he pleases. Especially when it's a grown ass woman. Notice that Rachel has also remained a virgin while Finn had sex with Santana and it's implied with Quinn now as well. This is a gross narrative and one that was pushed on Dawson's Creek too (though thankfully they had both Joey and Dawson lose their virginity to other people than themselves). But seriously, writing women this way is damaging. I'm honestly upset with how this was written, especially given all the undue praise this show got for it's representation. No, this show wears the veneer of representation without doing any of the work. It's all surface level but I see the gigantic pig beneath the makeup and its name is RIB (Ryan, Ian, and Brad).
Let's hope next episode is a little less rage-inducing as I take a look at Original Song.
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