Dawson's Creek - 509 - Four Scary Stories

 Original air date: December 12, 2001

So, I have to report that not only did they not pay money to include the song in Jen's story but they also apparently couldn't afford a song from the 50's for Jack's story? It's crazy how much they cheaped out on releasing this show and it really does detract from the effect of the stories. The original songs were mixed in with the episode and what was happening. The new songs almost mute any of the tension because they are just laid flatly over top of the scene. I really, really dislike the stripping of the songs from these episodes. The first season is such a time capsule and it feels like the show has been sterilized a bit for having the songs removed and replaced with generic songs. I'll get more into detail about this but for now, let's get right to our Four Scary Stories.

Pacey, Jack, and Joey have returned to Grams' house from watching a movie. From their banter it was apparently a really bad horror movie in the vein of Friday the 13th since they bring up psycho killers and camp. Jack thinks it wasn't that bad but it's because he slept through most of it and Pacey makes a comment about how he talks in his sleep about things he doesn't want to know about and I get a distinct sense that it's in relation to Jack being gay but it's very vague. I don't know whether to be disappointed but what the hell is that line insinuating then? I love you, Pacey, but I'm keeping my eye on you after that one. 

Jack thinks the problem is that horror movies are scarier when they're about things that could actually happen. I'll admit that I think he's partially right. I'm always more terrified when the killer is just some dude. I couldn't stomach Devil's Rejects for this reason. Is that movie over the top and maybe trying to be a bit silly? Probably but I hate movies where we're following the killers and they're doing insanely gross and gory things to people that could conceivably be done. I just can't stomach it. By the end of that movie I was just sobbing and asking when they (the killers) would be killed because I knew I had to see that they were defeated for even a chance at sleep that night. Where was I? Oh yeah, the three of them are talking about how to tell a proper scary story. Joey claims that she's lost the will to scream and both Jack and Pacey laugh at that, saying she's the most timid of them all. Joey scoffs and gets some brownies from the kitchen only to return to find both Jack and Pacey missing, and the front door wide open. She tries to play off like she isn't scared but steps outside to call them out. The door slams shut and when she tries to open it back up, someone jumps out from behind her to scare her. She backs up against the door which opens again, causing her to fall on the ground. Jack and Pacey pop out, laughing, having proven their point. 

After the credits, Joey wants some serious revenge and claims she's seen disturbing things that they couldn't even imagine. I'm going to spoil you guys a bit but her story is not that scary and I end up laughing at the end of it. Just wait. They gaud her into telling a story and so, we get our first fright for the night. Viewer beware, you're in for a bore.

Story 1: Joey

We're at the Worthington where Joey wants to study and Audrey wants to go to a kick ass Halloween party. Audrey is either dressed like a prom queen or a beauty queen while Joey is just in regular clothes because she's a bore. Audrey agrees. Joey wants to get some reading that can't be checked out of the library and she's sure that tonight is when it will be there since most people will be out partying. She asks Audrey about her costume and she clarifies that she's supposed to be Carrie White from Stephen King's Carrie. Joey questions why she's not covered in blood and it's because Audrey wants boys to talk to her and they might avoid her if she's red and sticky all night. She says she'll just tell them who she is. 

At the library, Audrey is clearly bored and wants Joey to leave but she won't. Audrey points out a creepy guy who keeps looking at them but Joey laughs it off, saying the prom dress and tiara probably caught his eye. Audrey is convinced the library is spooky citing some random unspecified attack on a girl who was "lucky to survive" earlier and she thinks it's probably happened to others. Joey shrugs off Audrey's warning, thinking she's only trying to scare her so she'll go to the party with Audrey. Audrey stalks off after someone calls her a prom queen, not recognizing that she's Carrie. 

The library slowly gets less busy and the creepy man from before approaches Joey, asking to borrow a pen. In the creepiest way possible, the guy tells her that she shouldn't be here because it's not safe after dark. Joey babbles about how her boyfriend is meeting her at the library after football practice and thanks him for his concern. She then immediately goes to the front desk to ask about her reading list but when she lingers, the guy behind the desk asks if she's ok. She tells him that the guy is just creeping her out and he assures her that he comes in every night and is harmless. 

Relieved, Joey goes into the stacks but soon gets a creepy feeling and surprise! Creepy peanut eating man is there and tells her to come over to him in the creepiest voice possible. This is going to be extra funny when we get to the conclusion, I promise. Joey bolts and runs into front desk guy who asks if she's ok. Joey tells him about the creepy guy but front desk guy says he just left. I would not be assured by that at all considering he was just in the stacks with her but Joey seems to buy it. He also tells her that the last book she needs is in special editions which is downstairs. Front desk guy offers to walk her down there but Joey laughs it off and says she's ok.

Joey is downstairs for like 10 seconds when a creepy shadow creeps around. She hides in a closet until the figure passes her by and then she bolts back upstairs where she runs back into library guy. She tells him that creepy guy followed her downstairs and he already knows because he followed creepy guy. He tells her she'll be fine when creepy guy clocks front desk guy out of nowhere, looks at Joey creepily and tells her that she should've listened to him and calls her sweetie. Front desk guy punches creepy guy back and he and Joey run. Ok, this is where the story completely falls apart into ridiculous territory. 

Front desk guy locks the doors to the library, effectively locking them in and surprise! He's the creepy killer guy. Creepy guy is actually a cop and like, if he knows that creepy guy is a cop, why is he trying to attack Joey when he's right there? Does he think he can kill Joey and then kill the cop? It would have made way more sense had the guy booted creepy guy out of the library and then attacked Joey but whatever. He's the bad guy and he asks Joey if she's going to put up a fight and then, out of fucking nowhere, Joey is Buffy the Vampire Slayer and roundhouse kicks his face. 

I cackled so loud when this happened.
Love the obvious stunt double cuts.

Katie looks like she's having a blast doing this but it feels so out of character for Joey? I'm not saying she's not a fighter but that kick move seems not like how she'd fight this guy. This reads like some sort of fan fiction and in my head canon, Joey is making this whole thing up to prove to the guys how tough she is because the cop comes back and is impressed that she "Crouching Tiger'ed his ass" and Joey tells him that those "kickboxing classes actually paid off" ok, yeah sure. We all believe Joey is secretly a martial arts master. I'm not laughing at all.

Back in the present, Jack is not scared at all by Joey's story and neither are the viewers. Jack thinks his frat house is way scarier than her school's library stacks after hours. Joey bugs him about the horrors of keg stands and roofies (casual date rape reference?) and Jack says he gets that enough from his common law wife (I think he's referring to Jen here). Jack defends himself by saying the basement with the right conditions can make your mind play tricks on you and we are taken into his story.

Story 2: Jack

Jack is in the basement with a few other pledges, it's unclear why they're there but I think they're supposed to be cleaning or taking note of all the junk down there? Either way, Jack finds an old timey radio and mentions that he wants to find the college radio station since Jen works there. Hey, here's a fun question. Did Jack learn his lesson from last episode? NOPE. One of his frat bros asks if she's hot and Jack agrees that she is and they tell him he should bring her over some time. He seems amused with this but starts coughing because he's caught a cold or something. One of the guys offers him alcohol because that will supposedly help him and I know a lot of people swear by hot toddies but no thank you for me. Jack is reluctant but takes a swig. 

The guys find a picture and start talking about an old pledge from their fathers' generation that killed himself. They think he did it because his girlfriend slept with his roommate or that she slept with everyone on the whole floor which caused him to hang himself in the quad. Jack doesn't feel so good and they urge him to go to the bathroom rather than puke in front of them. He goes and while he's cleaning up, he thinks he sees a shadow in the mirror but when he turns around, nothing is there. Spooooooky. 

When he goes back to the guys, he finds them gone. The picture they were looking at falls to the floor and the glass breaks. The radio turns on and starts playing generic, vaguely 60s music when it's supposed to be playing Sea of Love by Phil Phillip's and I'm just astounded that they couldn't even afford that song. Is licensing a song that old really that expensive? Really? Come on, Warner Brothers, you have all the cash, would it really have broke the bank to have this song instead of the entirely unspooky song they've replaced it with. It just wrecks the entire mood of this story because again, they did some toying with the song to make it a little creepier when this new song is just slapped behind the scene in the hopes no one would notice. I noticed. I ALWAYS notice. 

Jack hears a noise coming from the closet and when he goes to investigate, finds a guy his age tied up in it. He gets him out of the closet and unties him, checking to see if he's ok. The guy says it was just a bit of hazing but Jack is unimpressed because it could've killed him. Jack wants to get him some help but the boy, Tad, doesn't want anyone else to know this happened because the frat guys already hate him. Jack is confused about why they'd invite him to pledge if they hated him and Tad explains he's a legacy and they had to. Jack thinks all the guys are really cool though and is confused that they'd do this and presses the guy for what happened. 

Who is this mysterious boy we've never met before?

Tad is reluctant to tell but eventually says that he confessed that he had feelings for his roommate. Jack is unfazed by this and Tad confirms that he's gay, thinking Jack didn't understand. Jack says he's right there with him and that the guys knew it when they pledged him so he's confused that they'd treat Tad like this. Tad is tired and wants to rest so Jack offers to get him some water. Tad panics that he's going to call for help but Jack assures him he's just getting water. Tad thinks Jack is a great addition to the house and that he wishes there were more like him. Jack goes to get water but when he comes back, the radio is playing current hits again and Tad has vanished. In case you didn't get it, Tad is the kid that supposedly offed himself but what really happened was he confessed his feelings to his roommate who then, with a bunch of other guys, beat him up, tied and gagged him in the basement closet and left him for dead because they were a bunch of homophobic frat boys. I know this show is trying to portray these current frat boys as better but they're kind of not? I mean they treat Jack like their token gay, hound him to bring them his girl friends for them to date, and jokingly call him one of the ladies? They're not great is what I'm saying and I'm pretty sure if Jack confessed his feelings for one of his frat bros, they'd likely react the same way. The early 2000s were toxic for both women and gay people because it was all about over sexed frat bros. Gay was thrown around as an insult back then and I stupidly did it too because I didn't think it was a big deal but it was and I stopped because it was the right thing to do. But oh man, was that a toxic time to be alive, especially as a teen or young adult. 

Back in the present, Pacey is not impressed with Jack's story. He thinks it's fine but that Urban Legends are scarier. This is hilarious because Joshua Jackson had been in a movie called Urban Legends which I just recently rewatched and it is part kind of inventive and huge part very cheesy, over the top, and hilarious. Just try to ignore that Jared Leto is in it, because he's trash. Anyway, Pacey thinks his story is really scary and we get to see Karen again. Let's go.

Story 3: Pacey

Pacey is giving Karen a ride home in Brecher's car, for reasons I don't fully understand. Maybe Brecher let Pacey borrow his wife's BMW as a thank you for being able to use Pacey's boat to have an illicit affair with Karen? Anyway, he and Karen are talking about the car and how Brecher also has a 9-11 Turbo Porsche, black on black. I give less than zero shits about cars so I have no idea what that means other than Porsches are expensive so Brecher must run a very successful restaurant. Karen teases Pacey about having a man-crush on Brecher but Pacey likes Brecher because he's the only one that's treated Pacey like he was good at anything and it means a lot to him. It's kind of touching. 

Pacey flashes his lights at a car with no headlights on that is passing them. Karen gets spooked and says that he's inviting trouble. Pacey says that it's the universal sign for letting people know your headlights are off and she's being ridiculous but Karen fully believes the Urban Legend about gang initiations where new recruits are sent out waiting for someone to flash their lights at them and then run them off the road. Pacey thinks she's being ridiculous but she points out that the car is now following them. Pacey thinks she's being paranoid until the car slams into the back of theirs. Pacey freaks out and Karen points out a truck stop for them to stop at. Pacey looks at the damage while Karen tries her cell and gets no reception. 

They go inside the diner and immediately everyone turns to creepily look at them and one of the patrons immediately catches my eye and I legit went into full sleuth mode. I looked on IMDb but the diner patrons were uncredited extras that don't even appear in the list of cast and then I went through screenshots of the episode, brought it into my photoshop and lightened the picture just to see if I was really seeing Stanley from The Office. My friends and I finally concluded that it's definitely not him because this guy has a way longer face but my god, they could be spiritual scowl brothers. I present you, Stanley's Doppleganger:

Man has got that scowl down pat

That weird tangent aside, they go out of their way to show how weird everyone is acting but with no explanation as to why? Are they just weird? Are they in on it with the car and the headlights game? I don't know but they also show that they're burning burgers which is odd because it looks like no one is actually eating anything so why are they cooking a bunch of burgers?

Pacey and Karen try the pay phone but it's out of order and a creepy waitress asks them if they're standing or sitting. They ask to use her telephone but she points them to the out of order pay phone and then says they're out of luck when they point out that it's not working. Pacey gets upset but before he can keep talking to the waitress, Karen points out that the car that hit them is now parked beside them at the diner. Pacey freaks out and demands to know which one of the "Inbred, redneck freaks" smashed his car. Pretty harsh criticism for a bunch of people you don't know, Pacey. No one is talking and Pacey gets more upset until the diner owner kicks them out. Pacey doesn't want to leave but Karen drags him to the BMW so they can get the hell out of there. 

They drive a short distance until Pacey stops suddenly because the car that smashed into them is somehow now in front of them, blocking the road. Pacey hits the gas and they play a game of chicken. Pacey pulls his e-brake and the other car skids out, crashing into a ditch. Karen immediately gets out of the car and tells Pacey to pop the trunk. She grabs a bat out of the trunk and walks down to the other car, demanding they get out. Pacey follows her and moves to open the door as she raises the bat, ready to swing. They find the car empty inside and Pacey says they should just get her home. She agrees and they scurry off. End of story. Quick question: Don't they both live in Boston? Why would they have to take this long, lonely stretch of highway outside of the city to get Karen home? Whatever, this story is kind of spooky but it would have been better if Pacey and Karen found The Wraith inside the car. They're lucky he didn't win or they'd have exploded so fast.

Oh my god, is that Charlie Sheen as a Power Ranger?

Yes it is I, the Sheen Ranger

Back in the present, Jack immediately knocks Pacey's story too and they all think they have nothing better to offer than the slasher movie they were just knocking. Grams walks in and asks what they're all up to and they tell her they were literally sitting around a fire telling ghost stories. Grams thinks they all lack the life experience to tell a truly chilling tale and quickly sits down to school them. She tells them that they need to tell a tale that takes a safe place and turns it into a den of nightmares. Pacey is intrigued so we get Grams telling Jen's tale of terror.

Story 4: Jen

Jen is at her radio job and this story suffers the worst for the musical replacement. The song they chose does not hit the same beats. It's supposed to be Marilyn Manson's cover of Sweet Dreams (Grams had thanked Jack for his sweet dream imagery before telling this story too and she'll again say those words to them after going to bed so that hits harder with the original song choice). Instead we get generic, vaguely hard rock? It's very meh. Jen hears a tapping and sees that a branch is hitting her window. She's worried that the sound will interfere with her broadcast so she goes outside to investigate, propping a trash can against the door to keep it open. She hops up a few times and finally breaks the branch off but then she hears the door slam shut. She goes back to find the trash can moved and she is now locked out of the radio station. She tries to use her student ID card to jimmy the lock open but fumbles and the card falls inside the radio station with her still stuck outside. 

Frustrated, Jen goes around to the back of the station, to see if she can get in there. The door is also locked but she suddenly hears someone whisper her name. She turns to see a shadowy figure in the alley with her. It calls her name again, she asks who it is but they won't answer. Suddenly, the figure topples over, revealing that it was just a mannequin. Jen is unnerved but is distracted when she hears her record begin to skip (I think the point of radio stations is you can't hear the music that loudly outside due to the soundproofing in the booth but just suspend your disbelief here and pretend she can hear this). She runs back to the front of the building and yanks the door open, somehow it's not locked anymore or she's attained super human strength from her fright and is able to snap that lock open with her might. I choose to believe the latter. She quickly lifts the needle up and goes to the mic to apologize for the technical difficulties. I also just realized that she said the stations name is the WBCW which is funny because this show used to air on the WB network which was later rebranded to the CW. Clever. As she's talking, she notices that her ID card, which was on the floor by the front door when we last saw it, is now on her desk. She hears her name being called out the window again and she looks in time to see a figure smash through the window. 

Oh my god! The mannequin is coming to get me!!

The gang are suitably spooked but honestly, I have more questions. Who was the figure? How did Jen get out of that situation? Was there an arrest? Did the station get pissed at her for the broken window? Why did you stop the story, Grams??? But Grams feels she's frightened them all enough and wishes them sweet dreams for the night (BECAUSE THE SONG WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SWEET DREAMS, DAMMIT!) and goes up to bed. Jack, Pacey, and Joey try to pretend they're not spooked but they all clearly are. Joey wants to leave before Grams comes down looking for her lost head and Jack teases her for her Grams fear. Jack is staying at Grams' house because he forgot he moved into the frat? Or maybe he hasn't moved in yet because he's only pledging? Not sure. So Pacey and Joey leave and the camera switches to a different perspective, like we're spying on them. We hear the name "Jennifer" being whispered again and the episode fades out.

Honestly, this episode fell flat for me and it's entirely because of the soundtrack. I do remember liking it. I love all the scary episodes of shows I watched, they were usually my favourites. I love the spooky and I love ghost stories. It's a shame that they gutted the soundtrack to this episode because it really, really makes a difference. Are we never going to get the original episode back? That seems like a tragedy to me and I'm even more terrified for the band episodes. Tell me that licenses work differently when the cast sings them like karaoke. Please. I don't know if I can get through those without hearing the songs that are supposed to be sung. 

Also, my second nitpick is that the episode description for this on Netflix is completely fucking wrong? It shouldn't bug me, but it does. "Jen solicits four scary stories during her Halloween night shift as a substitute DJ at the campus radio station" Did you even watch the episode? Or did you just see the last bit and make it up from there? How did you get it so wrong? Anyway, my nitpick aside, we will finally pick back up from Hotel New Hampshire with the next episode: Appetite for Destruction.