Glee - 207 - The Substitute

 Original air date: November 16, 2010

We're back at it with Glee and this one is a different kind of gimmick episode. While others we've covered have been about an artist or type of songs to cover, this one is rather odd. This episodes gimmick is Gwyneth Paltrow. Just, Gwyneth. Here she is, guys and she's going to sing ALL the songs. This struck me as odd because while someone like Kristen Chenoweth or Idina Menzel is featured on this show, it's because they are powerhouses in the musical world or known for music. I didn't bat an eye that K-Chen got a bunch of songs in an episode because, you get her because you want to hear her sing. Getting her in your musical show and not having her sing would be a crime. But Gwyneth, she's best known for being an actress. Now, I've been told that she, in fact, does have a bit of a singing career under her belt with one album, Cruisin' that I've never heard of but I've been told is decent. I still don't think it justifies her coming in and eating up screen time and songs when I feel like this season has already been lackluster in the character development area. 

Also, there's some pretty big, boiling hot tea with this episode. You see, in order for Glee to be able to perform songs, they need permission or rights to use them. It's a large part of why the song selections were older songs which, apparently, bugged some people. How do they get more songs? Well, how about we hire Gwyneth Paltrow as a guest and inflate her ego a bit by giving her most of the songs to sing. Do they want to use her songs? Probably not, no one listened to Cruisin' (ok, my friend Lucas who told me about it listened to it but other than that? I don't think most people remember this album or any of her songs). Who was Gwyneth married to at the time? Chris Martin, the lead singer to Coldplay. Bingo. They give Gwyneth a guest spot and they're granted the rights to sing Coldplay songs. It's a win-win! No one gets hurt...except Chris Martin who Gwyneth subsequently cheated on with none other than Glee co-creator/writer, Brad Falchuk to whom she's currently engaged to now. 

I agree, Anna. That's all pretty darn yikes

Now that we've got that bit of tea consumed, let's jump into the episode proper. Will says hi to Sue who stops him to tell him that it's actually 'Principal Sue' now. Will is confused but apparently, Figgins got sick or, as the flashback shows us, Sue gets Lauren Zises to purposefully sneeze on Figgins to make him sick and through her usual blackmailing and the like, has been appointed acting Principal in his absence. Her first order of business is destroying the Glee club. Will is confused because he thought they were friends but I don't think that was a plot point since they had him side with Bieste and he knew she hated him for that so I don't get this. Glee can never decide on what their characters' relationships are. Just go with it. Anyway, Lauren then sneezes in Will's face.

Cut to Will trying to teach the glee kids while feeling a bit disoriented and woozy. I don't think germs spread that quickly but ok. Let's just suspend our disbelief because this is a visual medium and they just wanted a funny gag to get him to this point. He's trailing off sentences and just generally feeling like crap with his own voice over telling us this. He turns around and all the glee kids are literal children which ok, there was a ton of fan fare about this whole thing I remember it quite vividly from the Glee boards that people were going nuts for the glee kid castings because some of them are quite good but then the episode comes around and it's like...all that for a two second gag? It's a little longer than that but it just feels like so much work went into this and really, they could have spent the extra time actually working on writing good episodes again. Still, the kids are cute as hell, I'll admit.

Look how adorable they are

I also liked the little bit with kid!Rachel saying that they should explore the oeuvre of Bernadette Peters because she's a legend. Will passes out and finds himself laying on his couch where Terri has let herself in and is kind of force taking care of him. Will protests her being here because he can take care of himself but Terri counters that their neighbour called her because she'd been there morning and night. How long has Will been out? Why was his neighbour caring for him? How long was she inconvenience by this man-baby before finally breaking and calling the ex to deal with his shit? Can we raise a glass to Mrs. Weiss for her restraint? 

We get a chilling insight into their marriage when Terri starts baby talking to Will about "taking baby's temperature" but Will doesn't want to play sick baby with her right now. Excuse me while I sit in the corner and contemplate the meaning of life for a while....ok, I'm back but I still feel unclean. Terri puts Singin' in the Rain on for him because it's the one movie that makes him feel better when he's sick. I like to go to my rom com faves or The Wrong Guy, so I understand this completely.

We next cut to Kurt, who is pissed off because Rachel has taken over the glee club. You know, they all hate her now but as soon as a competition rolls around suddenly you all need her desperately. I see you, fake friends. Didn't she see you when you were sad and sing a duet with you? Come on, Kurt. Mercedes brushes it off because they'll at least have fun tonight at bowling but Kurt's become one of those people who is all consumed in his new relationship (friendship at this point but same diff) and is blowing her off to hang out with him. If he just blew off her invitation, I don't think it would have irked me so much but she specifically said she'd been looking forward to this all week so Kurt made plans with her a week ago but because Blaine asks him to hang out, he's willing to completely ditch her? Fuck off with this nonsense, Kurt. Be a better friend.

Mercedes asks what they can do about glee until Will gets back and Kurt asks if she's met the new Spanish teacher. Here we go, we are introduced to Holly Holiday, aka Gwyneth, aka that crazy GOOP lady who steams her vag. She's a hip and cool substitute who's totally down with the kids. She even insults Lindsay Lohan because that was really cool at the time but I'm going to say that Lindsay Lohan deserves some respect like Britney Spears because fame at a young age can be damaging and I'm not going to shame her for her behaviour when it very well could be a situation much like Britney's. It's pretty gross that Glee mocks her so much and I just don't want to be part of this culture where we ridicule young stars who are struggling. Anyway, Holly is just so totally cool and hip and down with the kids. Basically, she's the mom from Mean Girls but played absolutely straight and its honestly pretty aggravating.

Pictured, Holly in all seriousness

I wanted to see what my initial thoughts were on this episode because I don't think I hated Holly on first watch and I'm just biased now because Gwyneth is a grifter and a horrible person. The IMDb boards are completely defunct now but I was able to find a post about Glee on another board I frequent and found that all of us (say 10 people) hated this episode unanimously. Like just fucking hated this travesty and I completely get it. Here's what a 10 years younger me thought:

The one thing I actually liked about this episode was the fact that it was about the glee club again and preparing for Sectionals. The rest was kind of meh and I've given up on them fixing Will's character. Whatever they write for him nowadays makes him seem creepy or kind of mean.

- Me, November 17, 2010

I am still so on brand on hating Will and calling him creepy. That's impressive and hilarious. I mentioned nothing about Holly though but reading the above, I'm going to go with my gut and say that I'm pretty sure I despised Holly just as much as I despise her now because I absolutely hate teachers like her. You know the ones who clearly still think they're in high school or want to relive high school but be liked by the popular crowd and you can just see the desperation on their face as they laugh loudly about getting drunk because fuck being an adult and a good role model when they can be popular! So, where were we? 

Right, Kurt asks Holly to be their new glee instructor until Will gets back because he saw her singing Conjunction Junction by Schoolhouse Rock! to a bunch of teenagers because she's so cool, you see. Kurt claims they are floundering and I'm still wondering what the time line is that they're this desperate for a teacher when they should know their songs for Sectionals and just keep practicing but Holly utters her wannabe catchphrase for the first time, I thought you'd never ask.

In the choir room, Puck is buttering the floor and Artie is trying to get everyone to give different names than their own. Rachel ends up slipping on the floor because we're supposed to not care when she gets hurt but for real, falling backwards on your head like that in real life is no joke. You can crack your skull and get a concussion. Yes, I'm a boring adult. Seriously, falling back like that is dangerous and I will not apologize for being a wet blanket on this. I've got some trauma's on this from seeing someone fall back, hit their head and bleed all over the floor. It was not pretty. 

Holly comes in but she's soooooo cooool that she just glides on the floor and nonchalantly comments on it being a welcoming gesture to butter the floor for subs. She asks their names and Puck says he's Finn while Santana claims she's Rachel, "his loud, loud girlfriend". Brittany wants in but doesn't quite get how it works and says she's Mike Chang. Holly calls them out and explains that she knows their names because she watched their performance from last year where they lost. She claims it's because their songs were old and excuse you? Want to back that up because the Journey medley was fun as hell. No one asked  you! She claims that the songs sounded like someone else's favourite songs and I hate this. I hate it when I can tell when a writer is airing their grievances with the show that doesn't reflect on the characters or how the fans feel. Pretty sure everyone loved the Journey medley. The kids agree with her because Holly is perfect and totally down with the kids. She then pulls out this line. 

Holly: I'm not your average, run-of-the-mill substitute teacher

Exact. Same. Energy.

Holly wants to take class outside but Mercedes points out that it's raining so Holly then suggests that they should take a field trip to Taco Bell. On top of being really lame and try hard, no, this would never happen. No school would let a sub take students out of the school on an impromptu, no parents' sign off trip off campus. Not gonna happen. Then Holly talks about taking medical grade marijuana and I just cringe. I am all cringe at this scene. She is trying so fucking hard and I hate it. Finn says it's really hard not to like her, but I beg to differ. It's quite easy, actually. 

Puck then complains that Will never listens to him and we flashback to Puck asking to do the new Cee Lo Green song, 'Forget You'. I refuse to believe he'd want that song but TV ratings so we can't say 'Fuck You'. Will vetoes it and says that there must be a Journey song they haven't done. I get the poking fun at itself but I almost always hate when shows do this because it never reads as true to the characters and always feels like the writers mocking the fans for liking lame stuff. That's the way I feel. Fuck you, Glee, I liked those stupid Journey songs you did. Sorry for liking your show? Holly loves the idea because, you guys, she's just too fucking cool right now. She tells Brad the Piano Guy to hit it and sings the neutered version of Cee Lo's song and it's not good. Here's what past me said about it:

What the hell were they thinking using that song? I know they cleaned it up but that just ruins the whole concept of the kids wanting to sing the songs that they want to. I also couldn't stand her singing the "why?" parts of the song. Her screeching hurt my ears.

- Me, November 17, 2010

I concur with past me so hard. Here's a gif of the moment because I don't want to subject your eardrums to the mess that is this song. Also, they auto-tune the heck out of her voice because this song is surprisingly hard to sing as it covers a wide vocal range that she obviously doesn't possess. No shade on her, I can't sing it either. But it begs the question, why did they make her sing this song? 

Why, indeed.

Bieste is yelling at her football team about not spraying athlete's foot medication into each others' faces when Sue comes in to inform her that the football team has been disbanded. Bieste doesn't take her seriously and asks who her Cheerios will cheer for if there is no team. I get her point but, in fairness, the cheerleading squad is competing on its own and that's more about dance/gymnastics choreography. Also, there is a basketball team so...I think they'd be fine. Sue isn't as quick as me though and she tells Bieste that she's going to get back to her.

Feeling humiliated by Bieste, Sue is determined to flex her power in any way she can because now that she has had a taste of it, she doesn't want to let it go. She summons Becky into her office and tells her that they are going to ban tater tots. 

Mike goes up to Will and fawns over him being back. I find it interesting, in the context of the show that Mike is the one Will is hallucinating about wanting him back and having a dance number with him. Like, what does this say about Will? It's kind of random and creepy, no? But the real reason Mike is the one doing this is because they are singing Make 'Em Laugh from Singin' in the Rain which has a lot of dance and Harry Shum Jr. is a magnificent dancer. You gotta use him. With this random sickness driven hallucinated performance out of the way, Will is woken up by a doorbell. 

Rachel has come in to warn Will about Holly usurping him. Will isn't concerned because he thinks all of the kids love him. Rachel, probably not wanting to admit the kids could care less either way, mentions that Sue doesn't. We flash over to Sue and Holly laughing it up together as they watch Hoarders. Rachel urges Will to get better or else he may become the substitute before long. Also, very 2020s vibe with Rachel being cautious around a sickly Will and wearing a face mask. Rachel is definitely not an anti-masker because she's smart and doesn't want her lungs damaged. Be like Rachel.

Mercedes is excitedly talking about bowling again but Kurt totally forgot to mention that Blaine scored them tickets to see Rent. Mercedes, not wanting to believe that Kurt has completely ditched her again, asks if he means that Blaine scored tickets for all of them but nope, Kurt says it's just the two of them. You are the worst friend Kurt and I distinctly remember that this is where I started really hating you with a fiery passion. Mercedes doesn't even want to process this right now and instead focuses on Santana and Brittany hauling away all the tater tots. Mercedes is displeased. You see, because she's the fat one, she's obsessed with food. Get it? That's her character now. Obsessed with tots. 

Mercedes barges into Sue's office, demanding her tots be restored but Sue is like Richard Milhouse Nixon, in that she's recording this conversation. Also something about declaring a war on junkfood. Also Mercedes doesn't know what broccoli looks like. Because she's fat. Get it? Look, I'm not making these jokes, the show is and if it's not fully clear, I hate it. Do you know what I hate the most? The fact that Mercedes was already shown to have good eating habits in Season 1 when everyone was pressuring her to eat nothing to lose weight. She knows how to eat well, this cartoon that the writers have dreamt up doesn't know what broccoli is. That's insulting.

Rachel bumps into Holly and tells her that she injured herself playing rap musical chairs and Holly's reaction is to tell her she sucks. Then Puck walks by, one of the "cool" kids (god knows why) and Holly gives him the answers to her pop quiz in Spanish class because it's, like, so boring in there, right? 

Pictured, Holly Holiday

I hate her so much. She's just so try-hard and annoying. Somehow Rachel isn't insulted but actually wants to try loosening up. Holly encourages her to actually try one of her ideas because she says they are great. Ok, I'll give one point to Holly for actually encouraging Rachel but I'm still side-eyeing her for telling Rachel she sucks. You suck, Holly. YOU SUCK! Sorry, Rachel wants to try doing an upbeat dance number and Holly asks if she's asked before. Flashback to her asking Will and him rejecting the idea only to announce that he found a new Journey song they haven't done yet. We get it, writers. You're sick of Journey. You're the ones that wrote those songs in. Sorry for liking them? Holly tells Rachel she was just like her until someone punched her in the face. She then encourages Rachel to do the song in Glee club but Rachel says she needs a partner. Well, Holly thought she'd never ask (that's kind of her catch phrase). She literally says this, it's not just me being bitchy. 

Terri is still taking care of Will and they talk about whether or not they're happy. Terri thinks that for the first time, she could be while Will still feels like he's searching for something. I think he needs to search a little harder because all he's doing is being a general creep. Case in point he actually says the line "Baby likes his soup." I'm so sorry for ruining your day. Terri also has Vapo-rub and offers to rub it on him but then she starts kissing him. He's worried about her getting sick but apparently, the smell of menthol and snot really turns her on so they make out. Couldn't be me.

Mercedes is complaining about fish sticks being baby food but somehow tots are not? I don't get her or Sue because fish sticks aren't much healthier than tots. I guess there's a bit of protein but frozen fish sticks probably don't have that much nutritional value. Anyway, Kurt says he's brought her a gift and she quickly asks if it's tots because, you see, she's fat and obviously loves junk food. GET IT? Kurt has not brought her food, however, but the prospect of a boy for her to date because to solve his problem of being a shitty friend who cancels on her all the time, Kurt thought it would be best to just dump her on some guy she doesn't know and doesn't seem that interested in. Top notch friending, my dude. Mercedes can't take it anymore but not because she's lonely, it's because she misses tots. She raises a sign over her head that says TOTS and riles up the other students who begin chanting the word over and over. Sue declares that the tot wars have begun. This is just...sad, which in this case means pathetic.

We then cut to Holly and Rachel performing Nowadays/Hot Honey Rag from Chicago and it's kind of bland. It's ok, but I feel like it would have been better as a Rachel/Kurt number. Plus that dance is really hard to learn, Bob Fosse doesn't play around. I also kind of side with Will that this wouldn't make a good Sectionals number and I feel dirty for saying that because, at this point, I despise Will Schuester but this number is very dance heavy which would be an odd pick for a singing competition. 

Will has pulled himself together to check out the school, clearly disturbed by Rachel's warning. Sue stops him and tells him he should be in bed resting because he's not needed. Will insists he's fine and Sue clarifies that she means everyone likes Holly better so he's really not needed at all. Then says that she's been offered the full-time principal position thanks to her stance on healthy food and Figgins has been ousted. She then says he's fired.

Kurt, Blaine, and Mercedes are hanging out but Mercedes is too distracted to listen to their conversation about gay marriage rights. She apologizes but then immediately fantasizes about how all they say is the word "gay" and then Kurt pulls a pink purse out of his mouth. Mercedes is losing it but not because she's bored of their conversation because all they talk about are gay issues. No, she's hallucinating because she's hungry and all she can think about are tots. GET IT!? She asks the waitress for tots and looks very happy afterwards. I don't know if you can tell, but I hate this storyline.

Will confronts Holly about taking his job which is pretty unfair because it's not like it was her call. The job was offered to her, she wasn't trying to take it from you but honestly, when a job is offered that you want, you take it. I don't blame her for this, much as she grates on my nerves. Case in point, they argue over the kids and what's best for them and she asks what Will does when they have a great idea and he says he praises them. Well, Holly tweets them about it right then and there because that's...better. Honestly, I don't think any kid wants their teacher tweeting at them, or knowing about their social media presence at all but also, god she's unbearable.

To prove that Will is the best and Holly is wrong, we immediately cut to her in Sue's office with Mercedes. They've been called there because Mercedes was allowed by Holly to cut class and stuff tots in Sue's exhaust pipe. Holly has no clue how to deal with disciplinary issues and Sue is finally realizing this. She calls her out for having no clue and tells her that berets are out.

Holly immediately runs to Will's house and confesses that she sucks and doesn't know how to be there for the kids. She's used to just shirking responsibility and is immature. She tells the story of how she used to care about lesson plans but that she got punched in the face by a student, which is actually pretty serious and scary but somehow just made her an insufferable, try-hard with the kids. I don't know how the kids don't see right through it but then I saw try hard teachers do quite well with the popular kids in real life. To be honest, they probably just knew to play along to get what they wanted and I'm the sucker for just despising them outright. Holly wants to resign and I don't know how that's any of Will's concern as he's fired but this is glee logic, guys. 

Terri walks in and starts flipping out that Will is cheating on her. Holly is super uncomfortable and tries to dip but Will insists that she stay and then just totally admits to sleeping with Terri because he was lonely and she was there. Terri apologizes for freaking out and says she'll leave to calm down and come back but Will tells her to not come back at all. Terri leaves like a villain saying that he'll regret this but I think this is the show's way of completely writing her out which is odd because she'd basically already been written out anyway. I hadn't even thought of her until she came up in this episode. 

Mercedes rolls up to Kurt with a bunch of smuggled in tots and Kurt tells her that she's going to end up in prison but she doesn't care because prison has tots. TOTS!! Kurt calls her out for substituting tots for love and him for a boyfriend and honestly, that's a little unfair. Why can't she just want to hang out with her friend? Kurt should be apologizing for ditching her for Blaine when they already had plans together but he's perfect according to this show so he's in the right here? Mercedes thinks he's right, anyway, and immediately says she's going to try to talk to the guy Kurt suggested before. 

Karofsky confronts Kurt in a cartoonish villain manner asking if he's told anyone about how he kissed him. Kurt clarifies that Karofsky was the one who kissed him but says he didn't tell anyone. Karofsky says that's good because, if he does, he'll kill him. Ohhhh, scary. I know, I should take this more seriously but it's really hard on a show that is trying to balance this with a side plot about tots. 

Will goes to Sue to grovel for his job back but finds no resistance because it's the end of the episode and the glee writers are tired and just want to go home. She claims it's because the students love him and heard them all come in and vouch for him but I just don't get why she'd care when most of the time she clearly doesn't. Whatever, Will has his job back and he's been told to return her car to mint-condition as payback for what Mercedes did.

The glee kids welcome Will back with open arms but he's still kind of meh about listening to their ideas and says that maybe he'll do that type of thing after sectionals. He tells them that he wants them to perform Singin' in the Rain because it's timeless but the kids aren't having it. You'd think at least, Rachel and Kurt would be excited as the resident musical nerds but we're trying to push a narrative here. 

Will goes to Holly for help to get the kids interested in what he likes to do. She says her catch phrase one last time this episode because I'm pretty sure she comes back to annoy us further. Then we cut to the auditorium where the glee kids and Will and Holly are performing a mash up of Singin' in the Rain and Umbrella by Rhianna. It is honestly horrendous but also, I have to laugh that the glee club that was worried about finances to get a bus to sectionals in season one now has the production quality to have water effects on their stage. 

We're so poor, we can only afford to flood our stage this one time!

That's a wrap on this year's glee recaps. Join me again in the New Year when we take a look at Furt which I'm remembering enraged me even more than this episode. Just as a little taste of what's to come, here is my good friend, Lucas' reaction when he originally saw the episode ten years ago:

Ok, I just finished "Furt"...whoa.

- Lucas, November 23, 2010

I'm just going to say that this was not a good "whoa" so get ready for some shit. Merry Happy Whatever you celebrate and see you in 2021 with more Glee recaps.