Glee - 206 - Never Been Kissed

 Original air date: November 9, 2010

We're back to a semi-normal plot on Glee but I will warn you, this episode is frustratingly mean-spirited even if they try to make things better in the end. I feel bad for Bieste's actress, I mean I'm sure she's ok because she agreed to do it but at the same time, I just think about how Chris Farley made a bunch of fat jokes while dying inside and I just want to give them both a hug. I have a lot of issues with this episode is what I'm saying so let's jump right in. Oh, and fair warning to Klaine fans, I am not one of you so proceed with caution because I cannot stand Blaine or Darren Criss. Like, at all.

We open with Finn and Sam in tubs??? I think this is the locker room but uh, our schools did not have bath tubs in locker rooms. Finn is confused how Sam can tolerate ice baths so easily and Sam says he's used to it dating Quinn. I'm gutted. I thought Sam was so sweet but this is really gross. I know, I know, this is how a lot of teen boys talk but it doesn't mean I have to like it and I don't like how it's being normalized for them to be obsessed with sex as if that's the only important thing in a relationship. It's one of those things that has become like an ouroboros where teen boys act that way so that's why they're written that way but then teen boys see fictional boys talking like this so they think they have to act that way so then writers think they act that way and write them that way and then teens...etc, etc, etc. You get my point. 

Sam talks about how Quinn is always rebuffing him and its played for a laugh but like OF FUCKING COURSE SHE'S SOURED ON SEX SHE LITERALLY JUST HAD A TEEN PREGNANCY! I know she brings this up but for someone that thought she was so brave, he's certainly got no sympathy when she's trying to set boundaries and giving him a very valid reason why. I don't get this, it feels like they're writing an entirely different character here than the nerd who fawned over Quinn in Duets. Finn says he's been there and is still there because Rachel also won't put out and he complains that they found the only two girls in high school that won't put out. "The ONLY" Sure, yeah, ok. But also, I really miss the Rachel that championed girls being curious about sex and criticizing the chastity club. Anyway, Finn brings back his cure all to stop him from jizzing in his pants when making out or something and it's the season 1 run over a mailman gag. Remember that, that was fun. Get ready for how they get over their erections in this episode because it is incredibly mean. 

Sam laments that he doesn't have a traumatic almost vehicular manslaughter to quell his libido so Finn points out a thing that's not hot, Bieste getting angry and digging her underwear out of her crotch. Now, this is a not flattering thing for anyone to do and I think it might not have seemed so mean had the image just been of this and not shown her face but alas, it's about to get worse. The boys celebrate Sam finding his "cool down" image and I gag a bit.

I hate you both

Kurt and Tina are walking to glee club when Kurt is shoved into the lockers by Karofsky. Tina asks if he's ok and they continue on to the club. Will welcomes Puck back to the club, who is apparently back from juvie. He has learned nothing because he ruled that place and neither I nor Quinn are impressed. Moving on, Will lists off who their competition are this year. Apparently, it's the Warblers and a choir made up of elderly people who are getting their GEDs or something. Santana has a million gay jokes about the all boy's choir and Puck makes a gross comment about sexually harassing an elderly woman by slapping her ass and shattering her pelvis so she'll drop out of the competition. The writer was so proud of this gross little joke that he didn't think of the implications of a student returning from juvie talking about harming an elderly woman in front of his teacher so Will kind of just moves along without addressing it. 

The more pressing matter is that he's decided to bring back the boys vs girls competition from season 1's Vitamin D episode. This should be fun. The girls, especially Rachel are excitedly planning what they're going to do and when Kurt goes to join them, Will rudely tells him he has to join the boy's team. I feel for Kurt, he's essentially being put in a group without any of his friends which happened to me a ton in school and it sucked. Puck shows up behind Artie, who thinks he's going to throw him down the stairs but nope, he actually wants to help him. Artie is confused but Puck says he has to do community service and convinced his parole officer that helping Artie out would count since he's a..."cripple" ugh. Sorry, they are not super ableist on this show. They are not super anything on this show. 

As they talk, Kurt is once again shoved into the lockers by Karofsky but this time Kurt asks what the hell his problem is. Karofsky doesn't like that he's talking back and refers to his fists as The Fury. Kurt rightfully mocks him for this. Karofsky doesn't understand the insult but promises that he'll answer to The Fury if he finds out what he said was bad. He shoves Kurt against the locker again for good measure and Will sees this happen.

Instead of doing the nothing that Will normally does, he invites Kurt to his office to give him tea and ask if there's anything he can do. So, feigning interest while still doing nothing, a Will special! Be real here, this is thrown in to consume time rather than to actually do something that an actual helpful teacher would. Big mistake to have Will see it and just do this, they would have been better to have no one see it but Tina, who would also feel a bit helpless in this situation. Will has some power and he is just acting like he can't do anything or has to ask Kurt's permission. You saw another student assault your student, tell Figgins! Kurt tells him it's his hill to climb alone but that's really not an excuse here. Will is letting Kurt down right here and he has the gall to tell Kurt that he's not handling being bullied well because he's being belligerent because of it. Oh, so fucking sorry Kurt inconvenienced you because he's in a bad mood from being constantly bullied. Will's solution is literally to ignore it and let the kids deal with it themselves and that's the entire reason bullying is such a frustrating and pervasive threat to kids in schools, because teachers assume that's just the way it is and the bullied should just toughen up. No, they need help and you're the fucking adults, show them the right way to behave towards each other. Christ. (Yes, not all teachers there are some amazing ones out there that do their best). Kurt calls him out for not saying anything about students being openly homophobic (Santana earlier) and this adds onto my thing about him also not saying anything about Puck blatantly saying to harm an elderly person. Kurt also calls his lessons boring and repetitive which is just *chef's kiss*

Will takes this to heart and changes things up just a bit. He asks that the girl's do a song that is traditionally sung by men and the boys to sing a song traditionally sung by a woman and the more opposite their choice, the more points they get. Kurt is ecstatic and already has some great ideas for them.

He has a vision board made up and everything while explaining his idea to his teammates but they are all less than enthusiastic to listen to his ideas. Artie points out that Kurt in a feather boa and ballgown is not opposite to what he normally does which is highly rude because, for the most part, Kurt does dress in male coded clothes. Puck tells him to go check out the Warblers because he'll fit in better there and Kurt takes off angrily. Finn looks concerned but like, doesn't actually do anything? This is a huge problem with Glee. They clearly write these episodes with an idea of what they need to happen, without considering how the characters in a scene should actually act. You'd think Finn would stand up for Kurt because he's supposed to be the "one decent jock" but he just gives concerned face and stays mum. I hate that. They just don't put any consideration into their characters and the entire show feels like the writers are just playing with dolls that behave whatever way will get them to the plot they want that week.

Sam and Quinn are making out and Sam needs a quick cool down. When I first saw this episode, I thought he'd just think of the picking underwear out of her butt crack shot but nope, he imagines Bieste giving him a kissy face and chopping meat? Then when Quinn asks him to say her name, he envisions Bieste in a Cheerios outfit asking the same thing to which he responds out loud to Quinn, "Bieste" oops. Quinn is put off and Sam doesn't realize he said that outside his head. This is another thing that confuses me because the logic is that they use her image to cool themselves off but Sam looks happy when he says her name as if it's actually turning him on? So this whole plot is just mean with a whole side of doesn't make a lick of fucking sense. They clearly wanted to do a thing with Bieste being insecure and needed a way for her to find out about this whole thing but there were better ways than this. I hate all of this, for the record. 

Quinn tells Sue because she's upset that her boyfriend is saying Bieste's name while they are making out, which is legit concerning. Sue is more grossed out by the entire thing because, get it? Bieste is icky and even ickier in sexual situations. Quinn really is just upset and wants to know what to do and Sue sees this as an opportunity to get Bieste fired. This is confusing to me because if Quinn is really concerned that Sam is into Bieste, they should both be legit concerned that a teacher is grooming a student. Instead, they're acting like it's just icky to think of Bieste sexually at all and hey maybe we can use this to get her fired. I hate it.

Meanwhile, Puck is busking in the cafeteria which leads him and Artie to sing a mash up of One Love by Bob Marley and People Get Ready by The Wailers. I dislike both of these characters at this point so I'm mostly just waiting for this to be over, to be honest. Also, he's basically just bullying people into giving money so it's not the singing that's getting them the cash, really. Puck sees Artie eyeing Brittany and tells him to go get her but Artie is hesitant because he was mean to her when he broke things off. He wants her back though and this is the really frustrating thing about Artie as a character. He's such a massive dick to these girls that genuinely like him and he's the one breaking up with them and then suddenly he changes his mind and wants them back actually. He did the same damn thing with Tina and it's exhausting. Make up your damn mind, Artie. Stop flip flopping. Puck gives him the advice to be mean to girls and they'll throw themselves on you which is some real Pick Up Artist energy that I'm flummoxed guys think actually works. Are there really girls out there that do this? I get super uncomfortable when someone is rude to me and I usually want to get as far away from them as I can. 

Kurt has decided to check out Dalton after all and is confused that everyone is scurrying in one direction. He asks a student what's up and it's Blaine, the worst thing to ever happen to Glee (in my very humble and unpopular opinion). Blaine explains that the Warblers are super cool at Dalton and are throwing an impromptu performance. He takes Kurt by the hand to make teenagers squeal and leads him to a crowded room before going to join the Warblers as their leader. They sing Teenage Dream by Katy Perry. It's not a bad performance but Blaine went on to piss me off way too much with overexposure so this is possibly the last kind thing I'll say about him. I'm very sorry to the Klainers out here who are many and one in their thinking that he's perfect but this is not a feeling I share. I respect that you like him, please respect that I find him horribly bland and over exposed. Kurt is super happy with the performance because this is obviously the dream school for him.

Tina hears about the whole Bieste cooling you off thing and thinks it's hilarious. RIP, Tina, you are officially dead to me because that is extremely callous and rude. Mike Chang, you are on notice (but I still love you, Harry Shum Jr.) She leads Mike to a room to make out because...apparently the thought of being able to make out but have a cool down method...turns Tina on? I'm having such a hard time following the logic of this device. They make out and Tina pictures Bieste in a ballet outfit smoking a cigar? She's also happy and whispers Bieste's name. Mike is then confused and ok, this whole thing is throwing me off. Why is Mike confused that she said Bieste when he was telling her that picturing Bieste cooled you off? He acts like it came out of no where. Also, this one feels even more mean because Tina wasn't there for the crack digging and is literally just picturing Bieste because of purely mean reasons. I hate this whole plot. Shannon Bieste deserves better.

Bieste is a person, you monsters

Quinn is calling Sam out in front of everyone for calling out Bieste's name and basically accuses him of having an affair with his coach. This is played for laughs and not for something truly horrific if true. Like, she's literally blaming a victim right now, if that's what she believes is going on. Bieste overhears her name and asks what's up and Quinn gives her attitude which she does not want to take. Quinn tells her to stay away from her man. Then Mike walks by and tells her to stay away from his woman which is extremely confusing because Mike, you were the one that told Tina about this, why do you think she's cheating on you with Bieste? Why? Bieste is just as confused as I am and Will catches the commotion and asks Sam what's up. Sam looks guilty and you should. I'm very disappointed in you, young man. You were the good one. THE GOOD ONE! *sobs*

Will confronts the glee club about this weird tactic of using Bieste as a way to cool off while making out with your significant other. I feel like the writers knew this would make the guys look bad so they wanted to make one girl do it and threw Tina under the bus because no one likes her anyway. Tina is just the writers' punching bag. I'm so sorry, Jenna Ushkowitz. Sam tries to say that it isn't personal and that it's only their thoughts which would have been fair had he kept it to the underwear picking visual and kept his damn mouth shut rather than spreading it around for other people to know. Will says it is personal because it could hurt Bieste, especially with everyone talking about it. He tells them to stop being fucking gross (I'm paraphrasing) and to never let Bieste know because it would crush her. 

Kurt is invited to have coffee with some guys from Dalton and he asks them if they are all gay. They laugh and Blaine confirms that he is but the other two sitting with them have girlfriends. The school just has a zero tolerance harassment policy but also, the guys seem generally more chill there anyway. Kurt is sad about this because his school is the worst. Blaine tells the other guys to give them a moment and asks Kurt what's up at his school. Kurt tells him the situation and Blaine's suggestion, after revealing that he got harassed at his old school and ran off to Dalton, is to confront the bully. Yeah, Kurt has already done that a few times now, once earlier this very episode and once back in the Lady Gaga episode of season 1 and it clearly had no effect. But he seems to take this advice to heart.

The girls are trying to come up with a great idea for their mash-up since the boy's beat them last time. This is a lie! Quinn agrees with me and says they technically all got disqualified for using Vitamin D so no one won. They still want to bring it though. Santana thinks something is wrong because Rachel isn't talking but Rachel says she's trying to stick to the lesson plan of doing the opposite of what's expected. Or she was given a break this episode so they had to write her less? Anyway, she's finding it nearly impossible to stick to it since people are not gluing sequins properly, then she notices Puck and Artie entering the room and freaks out in the best moment of the episode.

I love her

Artie proceeds to take Puck's advice and is completely rude to Santana and Brittany. Then Puck chimes in and tells them to be at Breadstix and if they don't find hotter chicks they might show up. Both girls are into this and agree and I'm left shaking my head because I hate that guys keep perpetuating this. This feels very much like those YouTube "kissing pranks" where you know the girls are only going with it because they're paid actresses but the kids watching the videos or this episode won't know that and therefore will assume this actually works. I HATE IT. I mean, some of the girls are giving this whole situation a "WTF?" look but the kids/teens watching are only going to absorb that it still worked so my point stands.

Bieste confronts Will about what happened earlier because she's worried the kids don't respect her and want to know what's going on. Will doesn't want to tell her, for obvious reasons but she persists and he relents. There is no easy or good way to tell someone that they are what they think of to get someone to not be hot and bothered but telling someone not to take that fact personally is definitely on the do not do list. Will does it and, of course, Shannon takes it personally because yeah. She runs off and Will feels like shit because they all should. What the kids did was brutal and I get that it's the message of the episode but I also think that this episode engaged in it themselves and undermined the whole point anyway so it's all shit.

At Breadstix, Puck tells everyone how awesome he was in juvie and Santana is falling for it all the way. Artie takes Puck's advice and pretends to be into the waitress instead of her which turns her on more. (The joke, by the way, is that the waitress is old...ha-ha I say sarcastically). Puck wants to dine and dash but Artie can't do it, literally the only redeeming thing about him lately, and pays for everyone's meals. Puck sees and gets pissed, ditching him at the restaurant like the asshole he is.

In glee club the next day, the girls perform a really cool mash up of Start Me Up by KISS and Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi (interestingly the boys did Bon Jovi for their mash up in season 1). Will asks them what gave them the idea to do this mash up but before Rachel can answer, Becky comes in with a note from Sue, commanding Will to the auditorium. Rachel is being sidelined hard this episode. I hate it.

Will goes to the auditorium where Sue has two confetti canons and sets them off excitedly because she succeeded in getting Bieste fired and her full budget restored. Will is confused and Sue acknowledges that Bieste actually quit then asks Will to clean up the mess. Will is not happy.

Karofsky pushes Kurt into a locker again before disappearing into a change room. Kurt has had enough and follows him in where he asks him what his problem is and then calls him out for being scared and ordinary and insecure. Karofsky's response? Kissing Kurt. I don't know how I feel about this, it feels very much like the gay version of the boy's pulling girls' pigtails meaning they like them but you know, homophobia means they are secretly gay and like you actually which feels even worse? I don't know if I can speak for how the LGBTQ+ community feels about this because I don't have this experience but I do know that this trope can start innocent but morph into something wrong. I love Anne of Green Gables and Gilbert Blythe but that doesn't mean I have any time for a romance where the LI is a complete and utter dick to the heroine and then expect us to buy it when he flips on a dime and confesses his love for her. I need to remind people that Gilbert was a dick when he was a kid and when he grew older, he started being nice to Anne who had no time for him because of the way he treated her when they were younger. It took a while of him showing he'd changed for her to see him in a romantic way after what he put her through. There needs to be growth and I don't know that this show and these writers specifically can handle this type of trope in a compassionate, realistic, or healthy way. That is my problem with it. If you like it, go for it but it's not for me. Gilbert never shoved Anne into lockers repeatedly. He pulled her hair once and got a slate broken over his head for his troubles and he apologized to her when they were older. Yet something tells me we're going to be expected to feel bad for Karofsky because of this and nope. I'm sorry he's closeted and struggling but it's not an excuse for him to treat people like shit. Explanation does not equal Excuse.

Will chews out the entire glee club for causing Bieste to quit. Rachel is like uh, what did we do? And Finn admits that only the boys did wrong. Mike chimes in that Tina is awful too. Mike, you gave her the idea. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. What the fuck is this? Anyway, Finn admits what they did and Quinn is like "uh whoops! Sorry." because she legit didn't know and was rightly weirded out by Sam's use of Bieste's name (but handled it very, very poorly). Santana says that this is what happens when people don't put out and that is a weird little message to put in to a show aimed at teens. I get the joke and it makes sense for her character but it's irresponsible in a show like this without any further context. I'm all for people being less sexually repressed but I also don't want people who are legit not ready to feel like shit for not "putting out". This episode feels like it expresses attitudes from the 50s where women who have sex even once are soiled sluts and women who don't put out are "teases" and, you guessed it, I HATE IT.

Figgins has called Will and Puck to the office because they don't want to hire actors to play his parents who are the ones that should have been called. His parole officer is here and is not happy with Puck's form of community service. Apparently he put "hanging with a crip" on his parole application which she thought meant doing outreach to gangs? I don't think that would really fly either because of how he wrote it and him being exposed to gangs would be the worst thing. She tells him to find suitable community service or he's going back but he flips out because he does not want to go back there. This is the point where they overwrote for Mike Saling's talent. He cannot pull this off to save his life. He's so wooden. 

Kurt has brought Blaine to his school to help him confront Karofsky. Blaine tries to talk to him and he, of course, gets violent still. Blaine remarks that he's not coming out any time soon but sees Kurt is still really upset. He asks what's up and Kurt confesses that the assault by his tormentor was his first kiss and that truly is heartbreaking. I feel really bad for Kurt. Blaine offers to buy him lunch...cool.

Will confronts Bieste and makes a stupid comment about not knowing she was a quitter. She tells him off because uh, you suck Will! Bieste tells him off again because he doesn't get it and Will launches into his outsider thing while being at the top of the privilege pyramid. Like, imagine this guy who is considered the "hottest teacher at school" who had multiple women throwing themselves at him, telling someone he's an outsider too and totally gets it. This is infuriating. About as infuriating as he tried equating being in glee club to having the same issues as minorities. Fuck you, Will. He then tells her she should go on some dates and just do online dating, put herself out there. Will, you are not listening to her. She feels ugly and going on a dating app will not help that, those are brutal and all about looks. You really suck at this. Bieste confesses that she's never been kissed. Will's solution? To tell her she's pretty and kiss her! Not date her, oh god, no he's Will Schuester. This is a pity kiss, feel better now? Somehow (because this show is written by three men, this episode in particular being written by Brad Falchuk, my least favourite of the three), this works and she's cheered up. He invites her to come see a performance the guys cooked up for her to apologize.

Artie confronts Puck who is trying to skip town to avoid juvenile detention and trash pick up. Artie tells him that's crazy and that since he got him a date with Brittany, he'll keep him company while he picks up trash and tutor him in geometry. Puck agrees and apologizes for ditching him at Breadstix. I can't emphasize enough how little I care about either of these two. I miss Rachel.

Bieste is confused about the boys vs girls competition because she doesn't understand what the prize is. There is none but the boys are hoping for her forgiveness. Side note, this is even lazier than his first boys vs girls competition in which the celebrity guest judge was just Emma. Duets had a better prize than these competitions where no one ever wins. Anyway, the boys apologize to her and dedicate their performance to her. They do a mash up of Stop in the Name of Love by The Supremes and Free Your Mind by En Vogue. It's pretty good. Bieste likes it, they all hug. Fade to black. 

*deep breath* So, I hated that whole episode. The messages were all messy and undercooked leaving nothing with a strong statement or satisfying conclusion. I don't care what songs a guy or group of guys sing to me, if they did to me what they did to Bieste, I would never be able to be in the same room with them again without thinking about this incident. Something like this leaves an incredibly deep scar in people, even if they think they are over it, it can really harm the way a person feels about themselves and severely diminish their self-confidence. None of the three writers for this show have the experience, care, or empathy needed to cover a topic like this so they should have avoided it at all costs. This episode is a master class in why a show involving so many female characters should have at the very, bare minimum, LEAST 1 female writer. They were not equipped to handle the treating women like crap to get them in bed story and they were even less prepared to handle damaging a woman's self-esteem because she doesn't look like a stereotypically feminine woman. I hate all of this and the writers should honestly be ashamed that they put this mess out there in the world. 

Also, I want to give all the hugs to Dot Marie Jones, who plays Bieste, because she deserved better than this. The touchy feely ending is also severely hampered by the fact that the show treats women the same way they tried to chastise the boys for treating them, see the "joke" about the waitress. Honestly, fail. Complete and utter fail. And jut wait until next episode, Falchuk because I'm not done with you yet.