Glee - 202 - Britney/Brittany

Original air date: September 28, 2010

Ooof, this is going to be a hard one to write. Not because the episode is bad, per se (it's not great) but because it's the first gleecap I've done since Naya's death. I took a really long break because it kind of hit me hard. She was around my age, had a four year old son and suddenly, tragically, she is just gone. All because of a small accident. It's made me think a lot about how I have grown so used to the water at my lake, which doesn't have strong undercurrents but still, what if I get too complacent and something happens to me? The strongest swimmers can drown and it's so easy to become overconfident at a place you're familiar with. I'm just so sorry she died so young, I'm so sorry she left behind a poor little four year old, and I'm sorry for her family and friends that she was taken so young. 

I thought long and hard about whether or not I want to keep doing Glee and if I can have fun with it anymore even though I'm becoming increasingly convinced that the show is cursed. Know that if I'm commenting on something in the show I find funny, not good, or whatever, I'm critiquing the show itself but not the people involved. I hope I'm not making it personal because I don't know these people. This is a show I viewed and enjoyed at one point and I just like to goof on things I love and rant about the things that bugged me about it. I am continuing because I genuinely enjoy writing these and I hope we can heal and just have fun from here on out. Love and condolences to Naya's family and friends.

With the serious stuff out of the way, this episode is about to get weird so strap yourselves in. It's Britney, bitch! 

Will starts us off by asking the kids if they've heard of Christopher Cross and I'm going to be completely honest with you guys, I have no fucking clue who this person is but I know I've heard his name many times but every time I hear it, my mind autocorrects to Kriss Kross because they're the mac daddies...or are they the daddy macs? Either way, I just start hearing Jump in my head and I forget to look up who Christopher Cross is. I still don't know and this episode isn't going to help me out because as I said before, it's Britney bitch! 

Since the kids are younger than me, you better believe they are not on board for what Will describes as "easy listening" and Kurt champions the cause for the episode, performing the music of one Ms. Britney Spears. All the kids are on board, surprisingly even the guys who were not into Madonna or Lady Gaga but that is the power of the Spears. Will dislikes the idea because he thought she was a bad role model and honestly, that's kind of cute. I mean that in the most condescending way possible, to be clear. Britney is tame in comparison to a lot of celebrities even at that time but by today's standards with your TikTok houses and Influencers she's practically a saint. I'm just going to remind you all that the period of her life that Will is referring to, she was going through insane mental health distress and needed help rather than vilification by hungry paparazzi so screw Will is what I'm saying. And once again Chris was right.

Seriously people, listen to the emotional yet sound advice here

Honestly, I wasn't huge into her before, I like a few of her songs and a lot more of her songs have that bit of nostalgia for my youth but I'm not super into her style of music but Britney is a comrade and for that, I love her. I really hope she can escape her conservatorship and live her best life with all the proper care and help she needs. I got off track, this was supposed to be about Glee but I just can't help it she's too awesome. 

Sorry, back on track now. All the kids are disappointed that Will has vetoed Britney but Brittany agrees with Will. She hates Britney because she is also named Britney Spears. Her middle name is Susan so she's Brittany S. Pierce or Brittany Spierce. The writers must have been so proud of coming up with this logic but it is honestly, the stupidest thing. It does give Will the extra excuse he needs to ignore what the kids want and move on to Michael Bolton in his lessons on easy listening. The kids can shove it, Michael Bolton is cool...when he's performing with The Lonely Island and being hilarious. I still can't listen to his actual music.

The only time I agree that Michael Bolton is the good part

I have digressed so much and we are only in like the first 5 minutes of the episode and bare in mind, this is the episode where I'm going to go fully off on Jacob Ben Israel so this is a lot. I'm sorry in advance that this one is going to be a doozy. Hug your pets or something cuddly.

Because the kids were mean to him and disagreed with his horrible taste in music, Will runs to Emma to complain but she is also on team Britney and who wouldn't be? Honestly though, this is where the episode loses me because while I like Britney Spears, the constant romanticizing and praising of her from characters is off putting to me. It's the same issue I had with the Madonna episode, this feels less like I'm watching a show about high schoolers who happen to sing and more like I'm just watching an ad for Britney Spears. She's cool, it's just I'm here to watch Glee. Anyway, Emma calls Will uptight for not liking Britney and he does not like being called uptight by a woman with severe OCD and germophobia. Emma then chimes in with another subject Will does not like, her new boyfriend Carl who is helping her work through her trauma unlike Will who dumped her and told her to work on her shit and come back when she's already fixed. Wow, yet another new boyfriend that is better than the supposed "endgame" boyfriend. Will asks condescendingly how he helps her and when she tells him, he mocks it...gee I sure do hope these kids work it out, they are so romantic *sarcasm*

Carl then pops in on them and Emma looks shocked and uncomfortable, clearly not prepared for her, sort of ex to meet her current boyfriend. Will is also not amused. Carl is a dentist and remarks that he has to do another emergency root canal on a student and that these kids aren't going to have any teeth by the time they're 30. Emma explains that he wants to do a seminar on oral hygiene to the school but they've been dragging their heels so in a weird bid to impress Emma (in front of her boyfriend) Will offers to let Carl talk to the Glee Club. This is all stupid and dumb but it's a way for what they want to do with this episode to happen...which is also stupid and dumb. 

Finn is randomly accosted by Azimio and Karofsky by his locker where they accuse him of being bisexual because he's in Glee. The usual homophobic, bigoted stuff. Since he's kicked off the football team, they also take his letterman jacket and rip it in half to symbolize his dual sexuality, you see. They are all about to fight when Artie wheels up and apologizes to Finn about getting him kicked off the team and then asks them what they want. Apparently, neither of these guys will hurt a kid in a wheel chair which doesn't track with the pilot episode where we definitely see Artie tossed in the dumpster but that was by Puck so I guess these guys have a higher moral code than Puck which is sad. Beiste catches this all going down and looks thoughtful.

Carl gives his seminar and ends with having the kids chew on those little tablets that show the plaque on your teeth. Most of the teens have perfectly clean teeth after chewing but Artie, Brittany, and Rachel all have blue teeth. Carl offers to work on their teeth which again, is stupid because these kids probably already have dentists, or at least should. Then again, I don't know how the States does things, it's probably way too expensive for anyone to go so maybe this does make sense. I don't know, anyway lets cut right to the stupid parts.

Brittany is the first to go to the dentist and I'm going to be honest with you, I hate this sequence. For starters, Heather isn't the best actress. She's great with one liners but having to convey an emotion...not her strong suit. She's about to be put under so Carl can fix her cavities when he turns on the radio. It happens to be Britney Spears, I'm a Slave 4 U. With what we know, Brittany should be vehemently against this but instead just lays back like she's already drugged and gives a weak "oh no, not Britney" before awkwardly and slowly getting the gas mask put on her. I hate this transition. Then we cut to the performance which is basically a recreation of the video for the above mentioned song but mixed with imagery from a couple of her other songs like Oops, I Did It Again. Now, Heather is an adult and a great dancer so obviously they wanted her to dance like Britney, it makes perfect sense to recreate the video and all that and her dancing with Stamos is weird but they're both adults so fine, I guess. However, in the context of the show, we have a teenager gyrating sexually on top of a grown man while singing Britney who herself was a sexualised teen and I'm just so uncomfortable watching this. I should also note that this happens after Brittany equates general anesthesia with roofies. I feel dirty and gross watching it. Why would they do this? Did they forget this was a show about high school? Why do so many YA writers forget they're writing highschoolers?? 

Brittany wakes up from her bizarre music video dream to Carl warning her she's going to be a bit nauseous. Brittany woozily says she petted a snake and he tells her to rock on and this is not helping the situation, guys. This entire sequence honestly reads like Carl definitely took advantage of a teenage girl while she was under and that is not ok. And yes, in the context of the show, that is a teen girl in a glittery nude leotard dancing suggestively over a 40-50 year old (I'm guessing on Stamos' age).

Yeah I'm going to need Carl and the writers of this episode to have a seat right over there.

Finn and Rachel are talking when he asks her what she thinks of him being off the football team. She's happy about it because there's less chance he'll fall into a coma (but put in Rachel terms where she wouldn't have to fantasize about what song she'd have to sing in that case). Finn agrees on that point but mentions how uncool he feels being off the team. Rachel rolls her eyes and tells him that it means there's less chance he'll run off with a cheerleader which is all kinds of effed up. Finn is rightly pissed that she wants him to feel bad about himself. Rachel doesn't want him to feel bad but she does want to be the only thing that makes him feel good which is still incredibly effed. Brittany and Santana walk by and mock Rachel's attire, interestingly Santana equates it to something that the "bait" would wear on To Catch a Predator. It's like the show knows what I'm going to say about it... Finn laughs, like a jerk and when Rachel says he should have defended her (he should have, or at least not out right laughed at it, WTF?) he tells her that they had a point and that he was just trying to be honest. I get that he's pissed, Rachel was not being understanding or caring of what he wanted but that was just mean. Guys, this "endgame" is incredibly toxic and I kind of hate them. 

Next we cut to both Santana and Brittany in the dentist chairs (Brittany had to come back because she had too many cavities to fix in one go and now Santana is tagging along) and demanding to be put under. Santana has perfect teeth but argues that her dad is a doctor and has a killer health care plan so she demands to be put under. This isn't how any of this works but he agrees and they both put in headphones so they can somehow share the same dream?? This show's logic is not like our Earth logic. But sync dreams is what they do and proceed to perform the Madonna/Britney song Me Against the Music. Again, they're just recreating the music video for this song and it's ok. I mean I can just watch the real music video and be just as bored because this is not a song I enjoy anyway so why would I want to watch a dime store recreation of it. (Side note, I understand that this was an extremely expensive recreation but it still looks cheaper and is 100% pointless. WHERE IS THE STORY??? I'm so bored!). This episode tops the other tribute episodes by having the real Britney show up in Brittany's fantasy and then they wake up giggling about it. This is dumb.

Cut to Will still trying to get me to look up who the hell Christopher Cross is but I refuse. I will learn nothing about this person, so help me God. Brittany interrupts to inform everyone that she wants every solo now because her Britney fantasies have made her realize that she can be a great singer and dancer, better than Britney, even. Kurt takes this opportunity to way too passionately champion the cause of them performing Britney Spears for the upcoming assembly. I think it was for home coming but I've ranted so much, I honestly can't remember and please don't make me go back to find out. Will denies him again and Kurt flips out, calling Will "fricking uptight" which earns him a trip to the principal's office.

Will is apparently also seeing Carl because as a grown man, he didn't have a dentist before? Anyway, the entire scene is just to set up that they want to hash things out about Emma. Will admits he still has strong feelings for Emma and Carl acknowledges but rightly points out that Emma chose him and asks that Will respectfully step back. Will is a dick though and refuses to. Carl then asks him how he'd feel if the roles reversed which finally makes Will relent and agree to back off but warns that if she leans towards him, he's back in. Carl is weirdly ok with this and continues with the dental exam. Instead of doing dental stuff, Carl gives Will the advice to loosen up. So now that's three separate characters that have told Will he's uptight and he's not liking it but listens as Carl regales him with the story of how he impulsively bought a corvette. 

Will leaves to find Rachel waiting in the hall for her own turn in the dentist seat. She's reading an unauthorized biography about Britney Spears as she waits and this is what transitions us into Rachel singing Hit Me Baby (One More Time) which is super inconsistent because she's not under the influence which the episode already set up as the catalyst for these weird daydreams but whatever, that was a stupid device anyway. Rachel nails the song, naturally and it's fun to sit through but ultimately, I have the same issue with it as I did the others. It's just the music video but not and so I just want to watch the original music video instead. I really hate this era of Glee where they just want to recreate music videos, it doesn't fit at all with how the rest of the show was structured and I just hate it. It feels like a halt to the story rather than informing us of something. She comes to, so I guess this was because of the gassing and they just didn't want to show that again? 

Next day, Rachel has decided to upgrade her wardrobe and is now dressing like Britney in the Hit Me Baby video but can I just point out that it's sacrilege that they didn't recreate the look with her signature fuzzy hair ties? That shit was iconic and you have not recreated the look without them. 

THIS is Britney, bitch

Rachel does look good in the outfit though but Finn is not enthusiastic about her new look. He actually tries to cover her up. He argues that if she doesn't feel safe with him on football, then she should be ok that he doesn't feel safe unless she dresses like she used to. Rachel says they shouldn't try to control each other (ya think?) and that he has her blessing to rejoin the football team, if he can. We then get...*SIGH* Jacob Ben Israel asking Finn what he wants for Rachel. He offers to kill his parents and give Finn his house because apparently Rachel can be bought in a transaction according to this ass clown? He also says "Wanky wanky" and I just want to die. This is not the worst he does this episode, by the by. We are only just getting started. Buckle up.

Instead of backing off, like he said he would, Will has opted to purchase the same car as Carl did and show it off to Emma while pointing out that Carl's didn't have heated seats. Will is terrible and I hate him. To further prove my point Will starts singing a song I don't recognize but closed captions has informed me is by Christopher Cross and the only thing I'm registering is that this man's parents named him Chris Cross and now I've got Jump stuck in my head again. Emma looks uncomfortable at Will singing along because he's very clearly trying to woo her again and he's coming off faker than boy bands do when they make that suggestive face to the camera. You know that face? Where they think they're being hot? That one and it's even more awkward and unhot when Will does it.

Terri pops up out of no where to chastise him for buying a car. Is she psychic? Did she just sense him spending obscene amounts of money on a car they can't afford? In her defense, I'd be pissed too because all he did when they were together was tell her that she couldn't spend money and then he goes and buys a Corvette. He jumps out of the car and starts yelling at her that they're divorced but keeps looking at Emma like "look how awesome I am" but dude, you are having a private argument in public, you do not look good. Emma agrees and dips out of the situation. Terri then calms down and tells him to keep the car but to not buy anymore big ticket items because one day, they'll get back together and she doesn't want him to blow all their savings before they do. I don't think this goes anywhere and just looks sad on both ends. Maybe Terri is the right woman for Will, they're both pathetic.

Santana compliments Rachel's new look and Kurt takes the opportunity to point out how Britney has helped her blossom. Will asks her if it's true and she concurs. She feels more free to dress the way she feels which is awesome. I had her same issues, I was always way too afraid to dress like a pretty girl because a) I never felt like one and b) worried about being perceived as desperate or "easy". It sucks the amount of pressure on girls to dress or not dress certain ways and it's unfair. Sue interrupts to call Will to a private meeting where she recounts...just the worst thing. 

Sue went to the school library to use a computer, late at night which begs certain questions of this whole situation, when she comes across Jacob Ben Israel jacking it. Not just jacking it but jacking it to him interviewing Rachel about dressing like Britney Spears. Not just jacking it but for some unholy, godforsaken, troublesome, horrifying reason he's doing this COMPLETELY NAKED. Now, this is a network show so you don't see much but that honestly makes it worse somehow because it presents enough information that your brain then works to fill in the blanks and DO NOT WANT!! Why did they do this? WHY? No one wanted this. No one needed this. No one asked for this. It's just disgusting for disgusting's sake. I could have gone my whole life never having witnessed this scene and I would have been happy but instead, I've seen this scene not just once, not just twice but three times thanks to this recap and I'm not ok. 

Will admits it's gross but then handwaves it by saying "they're kids." and "hormones" I'm sorry, no. There's being a horny, hormonal teenager and then there's sneaking into the school library late at night to completely disrobe and jack off to one of your classmates. That is so not in the realm of normal or healthy and it damn sure isn't funny like I know the writers thought it was. Fuck off with this creepy shit. Now, not satisfied with already scarring us with the above imagery, the show decided to have Sue go on a rant about how Britney is apparently a gateway drug to acting out every impulse teenagers have which is ridiculous but then she says that there is a naked butt sweat stain on her chair to prove it AND THE SHOW CUTS TO A VISUAL OF THIS!!

Send help

And yes, I get it. This is tame, porn exists, blah blah blah but it's so much worse when you're not expecting to have this stuff shown to you and then it's just there. AND IT'S IN RELATION TO JACOB BEN ISRAEL. No. A world of no. Did not want. Anyway, Sue admonishes him and then asks if he's doing Britney Spears in glee club. Will says they're not and Sue is satisfied but then Will gets a smirk and this is not going to good places, you guys.

We next segue to Britney Spears in a Cheerios costume talking to Brittany and Tina. I'm not joking. Artie rolls up and Britney chastises Tina for breaking up with him. I think we all know who's fantasy this is because Tina then apologizes for dumping him but Artie says he's stronger which means he's about to sing Stronger by Britney Spears. I like this sequence better for at least showing us Artie's actual fantasy of joining the football team but it's fantasy, couldn't they have let Kevin dance again? Still, it feels realistic that he'd be fantasizing himself on the football team and still be in the wheelchair so it flows nicely with his own little story. And yes, he wakes up in the dentist chair so this was another anesthesia dream.

Artie finds Finn in the school locker room and asks him to once again help him get on the football team. Baby, we've been through this, it's not going to happen and also, Finn isn't on the team either anymore. Artie is adamant that his drug induced dream was a vision and that if they could show Coach Beiste what they can do, she would let them on the team. Cue Beiste walking in and asking what they wanted to show her because she overheard her name. Artie pleads his case and Finn understandably says he's not with him on this one because it went terribly for him last time. Beiste does a heel turn from last episode...yeah this is only episode two. Goddamn these writers and wrapping things up quickly and sloppily, but anyway she says they're both on the team. For reasons. I guess, maybe she felt bad for them when she saw them getting picked on earlier? Still dumb.

Artie is recounting his dream and subsequent joining of the football team to the glee club, explaining the whole battering ram thing which seems totally dangerous and absolutely against the rules but they're using the Air Bud law in that it's not explicitly stated it's against the rules so it's fair game. Cool. Rachel finds out that Finn is also back on the team and suddenly looks terrified, especially since Santana finds him hotter now. Puck is confused about the Britney fantasies that everyone is having and Artie gives a really dumb explanation that is supposed to stop us from questioning it but I don't buy it. Will comes in just as Kurt is about to give yet another angry speech about how they should be allowed to do Britney but Will stops him. He tells Kurt that he's no longer standing in their way because they are going to perform Britney at homecoming, yes it is homecoming. The kids are ecstatic but then Will says he's going to perform with them and all excitement drops to dead silence. Will doesn't notice and is just like I know, right? So, I'm just going to drop the official Will Schuester gif right down here.

Thank you, Cody Ko, for this bountiful gif that has proven so useful to me

Rachel pops into the boy's locker room to talk to Finn who happens to be the only one in there. The magic of TV. She's changed back to her old clothes and explains that she wants him to feel safe. He thanks her and then moves to head out onto the field which shocks Rachel because she was hoping he'd immediately give up football if she gave up her clothes. He won't do that for her though so she makes him choose between her and football. I really hate this relationship. It's super toxic. Speaking of...

Will is setting up for the assembly when he sees Emma and awkwardly flirts with her while telling her that he's helping the kids perform Britney. Emma looks about as uncomfortable as we all feel but Will is oblivious to this fact and trots off to do his thing. Meanwhile, Becky (Sues sidekick of sorts) informs Sue that she just found out that Glee Club is performing Britney. Sue is not pleased. Figgins introduces them with his usual deadpan demeanor and the club comes out on stage performing my absolute favourite Britney song. The song I was hoping they would do the minute I found out they were doing Britney. They are doing Toxic and it's an amazing performance and version of it but this show has the utter gall, the sheer absolute, fucking audacity, to ruin the whole performance by having Lauren Zises and Jacob Ben Israel shriek and masturbate all throughout it and if I had to see it, so do you!

Suffer with me!!

They ruin the entire ending of the song. It was so good you guys, and the entire end is just Jacob climaxing and I hate everything right now. Sue calls it a Britney Spears Sex Riot and honestly, how dare you blame her for this. That was all on JBI and Lauren. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! Sue pulls the fire alarm and puts us all out of our misery as the kids trample JBI and carry his unconscious body out of the gym. In my head cannon, he's dead. Yeah, I got dark. I'm not sorry.

Sue confronts Will about the sex riot, she also has a neck brace on and tells some bizarre story that I just don't care about because it was all made up but basically she intends to sue the pants off Will. I"m fine with that. She also tells him he wears more vests than the cast of Blossom which got a chuckle out of me. Will then goes to Emma and apologizes because just now he realizes it was maybe a little weird for him to do Britney with his students. He says weird, I say wildly inappropriate, potato/potahto. Will wanted to be more spontaneous like Emma wanted but she just wanted him to relax. She then talks him up about being the best teacher in the school and being awesome so why would he want to change? Has she met Will? Will agrees because he wasn't good enough to keep her. He acts like she dumped him. He dumped her from what I recall and was the one that cheated on her with Shelby. You upgraded, Emma please don't think otherwise because he has a sad now. He leaves to go return his car because it was a dumb purchase and they don't want to keep him driving a corvette, I guess.

Finn is by his locker when Quinn walks up to him and starts shamelessly throwing herself on him and offering the chance for them to get back together. Finn tells her that while he did like her, he's with someone else and asks her to respect that and walks away. Rachel was watching this whole time and then Quinn goes over to her and reveals that Rachel put her up to the whole thing. Quinn tells her that Finn shot her down and that he must really love her which makes Rachel smile and I feel like the writers want us to believe that this means they are together but let's not forget how toxic they were to each other this very episode let alone in the past and how fucked up it is that Rachel put him through this "test" in the first place. This ain't healthy, kids. Strive for better.

At Glee Club, Will acknowledges how great Britney is but because of his own fuck up decides for the kids that she's just not them and that they won't do any more Britney. I'm sorry, it was not Britney's fault that you thought it was a good idea to perform with your students and humiliate yourself by buying a car and throwing yourself at your barely ex. That's all on you. Leave Britney alone!

Rachel asks if she can perform a song for the class and assures Will it isn't Britney. She dedicates the song to Finn and apologizes for trying to control him. Ok, at least she acknowledges that her behaviour was shit and is going to try to let him fly free (to which Brittany asks if Finn can fly). She then sings Paramore's The Only Exception. Artie watches sadly as Tina and Mike cuddle together for the performance and honestly, choke on your tears. You were a shit boyfriend to her and she deserves the happiness she is having with Mike. I don't feel sorry for you. There's also a shot of Will watching Emma and Carl be happy together and honestly, same sentiments here. Let her be happy because you were also a shit boyfriend. Then we get to see Rachel looking self conscious as Finn talks to Brittany and Santana but then he sees her and walks away from them to go and take her hand. She looks very happy and it's cute but I'm still very not sold on this ship. Rachel finishes the song and the show ends on a shot of Will looking sad and alone in his car. Good. 

This episode does not feel like an actual episode but more like a waste of time and I feel bad saying that because Britney songs are super fun and I did enjoy them for the most part. However, I get really bored of their style of just recreating music videos and for that, I blame Sue and people liking that Vogue recreation. On top of that, every conflict had me rooting the opposite way then the writers want so this holds nothing for me. I don't care about Rachel and Finn, they are toxic. I don't want Emma to get back with Will, he sucks and Carl is better for her. I don't want Tina to get back with Artie because Mike is a million times better and Artie was awful to her. Most of all, I will never forgive this show for tarnishing my most anticipated Britney song with Jacob Ben Israel and to a lesser extent, Lauren Zises. Screw everyone for that and the naked butt sweat stain. That was someone's job. Someone had to go and create that shot just to torture us. Thought and money was put into that shot. I can't get over that. I hate it so much.

You thought you were safe but I had to endure this so you do too!

After this bizarre episode where kids hallucinate music videos of Britney Spears while under anesthetic, we are going to tone shift to something more tragic and yet also more ridiculous next week. Get ready for Grilled Cheesus. And also, still don't know who Chris Cross is, mission accomplished. Let me leave you on a positive note with the only Kriss Kross that matters:

The Mac Daddies make you, jump!