Original air date: November 22, 2012
Glee has this wonderful way of lulling me into a false sense of security with every new season. They always start me off with solid episodes to get me invested and then slowly introduce stupider and stupider plots until I end the season a rage demon. I am the frog and Glee is the water that is slowly brought to a boil, in other words. This season sure didn't take long to just utterly annoy the crap out of me. It started with their careless depiction of EDs last episode which acted less as a poorly aged joke than an outright guide on how to do it. Things don't improve much here but it's not so much that the plot is dangerous or careless but incredibly fucking stupid. I can't tell you how much I dislike this episode and the idea that so many students would actually become superheroes. Like, this isn't cosplaying for comic con, this is making up your own super hero identity and creating an outfit for it. This is just on its face one of those episodes that I just groan at. It doesn't feel organic, it doesn't feel true to the characters, it just sucks. With this long complainy intro out of the way, here we go.
We start the episode with Bland. Sorry, Blaine but can I just call him Bland? It's what he is and should be his super hero name if he's being honest. We are slapped in the face with the absurdness right away as Blaine calls their super hero club to order. Everyone in Glee and only Glee has joined this club. They are the only students who count, apparently. You want to know what their super hero names are? Fine. Tina is Asian Persuasion, Sam is Blond Chameleon (he can impersonate any voice, this one is cute), Joe is Tarantula Head because of his locs, Sugar is Sweet n' Spicy and her power is money (true), and Bland is a Batman rip off. Artie and Becky want to join. He's obviously cosplaying Professor X which Bland has an issue with that until he says he's Professor Y. Bland is ok with ripping off another character, just so long as you give it a slightly different name, like Nightbird, eh Bland? Becky is Queen Bee and Brittany is the Human Brain and I really don't see why we're supposed to care about all of this? I'm going to skip past Tina urging Blaine to text Kurt because I don't care about Klaine and move right along to our convoluted inciting incident, their Nationals Trophy has been stolen. A laptop has been left in its place and they press play where a message says that they have their trophy and will soon have their title as well. Uhoh.
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| I'm sure these guys had a blast filming this Doesn't mean it's enjoyable to watch |
We cut to Jake approaching Marley who is by her locker. He asks if she's into the superhero thing but she isn't into wearing tights because Kitty completely destroyed her self confidence and coached her into an eating disorder. Yes, it's fucked up but this is really the story they are making us sit through. Jake asks her out for Friday which gives me whiplash because while he seems into Marley, he also seems very indifferent. Like, he's flirting with her, then he's dating kitty, then he breaks up with Kitty seemingly for her, then he bails when she tries to ask him out. Jake's characterization has been really confusing to me. Ryder comes up and answers for Marley that she has plans with him and looks super smug about it and I hate it. Does Marley get no agency here? She's just sitting meekly by watching this go down. I will say that Jake saying that Ryder Lynn sounds like a cowgirl doll that comes with a pony is fucking funny. Unfortunately, Ryder steals my bit about making fun of Jake riding a scooter while pretending he's a badass and that makes me very upset. That's my bit. They get into a fight right in front of Marley, like directly in front of her as she tries weakly to tell them to stop. Finn comes out dressed like Will and it makes me laugh as he feebly tries to tell them to stop. Tina comes in and she shouts about persuading them to stop and Becky points a toy gun at them and yells at them to stop. This will age poorly in a few episodes. Just wait. Finn only thanks Becky because this show hates Tina. He then tells them to go to glee club.
Finn introduces Ryder and Kitty to the glee club since they were both great in Grease. Tina thinks they should get to vote on Kitty because obvious reasons but Finn, and I fucking called this in the first episode, says they need 12 members. My guys, why did you do auditions and cut people then? Where is justice for Stoner Brett? He should be rapping it up in that choir room. The disrespect is appalling. Tina points out that he should just call Santana in since she's better than anyone currently enrolled here which is a dig at Finn for getting her to come do the Rizzo part last episode. It's not often I say this but Tina's right. Finn is doing a terrible job so far at inspiring them if he's bringing in graduates because that is telling the other kids that they're not good enough. Finn changes the subject to Sectionals but is nervous and breaks the marker that he uses to write on the white board. The theme he's picked is Foreigner. They're going to sing Foreigner songs in different languages and dressed in outfits from their cultures. Ummmmmmm. Me and the glee kids hate this. Foreigner is cool but why would you do the whole other languages thing and oh god, I'm getting horror flashbacks to this year's Sectionals episode and it's worse than Foreigner songs in different languages. Finn, wait, go back to this idea!! You still have time to fix your mistakes!! He doesn't listen though and Blaine is most displeased with his ideas and storms off to pretend he's Batman and rescue their Nationals Trophy from the Warblers. Finn didn't even notice the trophy was gone, oops.
Finn is walking with Shannon who is also dressed as a superhero because she's the club's faculty advisor. She's the Beast Master which is already a thing but her powers aren't animal related so I guess they're in the clear on copyright. Finn thinks it's all ridiculous but Shannon says it's fun. I can see how it could be fun but I'm leaning more with Finn because I guess I'm a killjoy. Shannon asks him what's bugging him and he admits his first glee club lesson was a complete disaster. He thinks it was awesome and that it's the children who are wrong but...was it awesome, Finn? Was it? Shannon suggests he puts on some tights and joins in the fun to be on their level or something.
Blaine arrives at Dalton Academy to find Sebastian and accuses him of stealing the trophy but Sebastian claims it wasn't him. He's nice now, for reals. He leads him to the Warblers' room and says the captain is waiting to see him. Blaine is confused because Sebastian was the captain but apparently a new guy has usurped him. Blah blah blah, Hunter is super straight, y'all and he's taken the trophy to lure Blaine back to the Warblers because Blaine is just the best evah! They all come in super cult like and are like "One of us! One of us!" ok, not really but I hate Blaine subplots and I have to find some fun in here somewhere. It is super culty and weird. The Warblers come off as very sinister here as they lure him back and I find that hilarious since they started out as Kurt's gay safe haven of niceness and acceptance and are now cartoon villains. They present him with a blazer and urge him to sing with them one more time. The song is Darkside by Alan Walker, I think. I'm not familiar with it. The only thing that registers with me is that none of these guys are good at lip-syncing whistling in a convincing way. I skipped through this because I don't care about the Warblers and this is one of those songs that isn't necessary for plot. They bounce around and Blaine sings with them and they say he's flawless and I gag.
Finn comes into glee club wearing his own super hero costume and introduces his new idea. Dynamic Duets and insists it will be so much more fun. However, only the new kids are paired off to do them, no one else gets to participate so...off to a not great start here. He's paired Ryder and Jake, and Kitty and Marley together so they can each learn to work with someone they don't really get along with. Finn thinks they need to start working as a team because apart they have great talents but when they team up, they could be unstoppable. Artie thinks this idea is better but Tina thinks it could still be horrible. I'm leaning towards Tina's line of thinking.
Kitty approaches Marley with the music sheets for Holding out for a Hero by Bonnie Tyler. Marley is annoyed because she thought they should pick a song together and asks if they can at least talk about what super heroes they're going to be. Kitty's already decided that she's Femme Fatale because it means kill women and me and Marley say no it does not but Kitty doesn't care. She leaves and Marley just shakes her head in annoyance.
We move directly to Jake and Ryder trying to talk about their duet. Jake admits they don't like each other and that singing in super hero costumes won't change that. Ryder is cool with that because then Jake will be kicked out of glee club. He also calls himself Mega Stud and I think that Jake is calling him out for how cringey that name is but Jake only thinks so because he's Mega Stud. I'd complain that these are the two dudes that Marley has to choose between but let's face it, Marley sucks too so who cares? Ryder says there can be only one because he thinks they're Highlander now and we segue to their performance of Superman by REM which is such a good song that is ruined by Ryder's voice. It's too bad because it works pretty well as a duet of dueling superheroes. Jake is doing well but Ryder's voice just throws me off to the point where it's not meshing well. The whole performance they're both shamelessly singing to Marley while having a dick measuring contest in front of everyone. I mean, not literally but that's what's happening essentially. Artie makes a crack that the initials of their superhero alter egos is a degenerative muscle disease, MS while Finn thinks it's a women's magazine. The song comes crashing to a halt when Jake punches Ryder in the face and they start beating each other up. Finn is like oh shit son, I never learned what to do in this situation because Will always just sat back and watched. So, Finn sits back and watches. Luckily Sam steps in and puts a stop to it which snaps Finn to action too. They each lead one kid out of the room.
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| If I were Marley, I'd be terrified of both of these guys They both turn violent on a dime |
Finn then is chastising both Jake and Ryder in the auditorium because he wanted them to be working together, not beating each other up. They think working together sucks but Finn says losing Sectionals would suck. Ryder pipes up that he doesn't like Jake because he's working his way through every girl at the school and thinks Marley deserves better. Here's the thing, Ryder as a character is not wrong but I hate Blake Jenner and his smug face so much that I hate that he's right. But also, Marley sucks and is not worth all this fuss, you guys. Finn decides the best course of action is to give them another assignment. He thinks the reason they don't like each other is because they don't understand each other. He wants them to sit in a room and reveal their deepest fears to each other. Finn....how will that help? I mean sure it could bond them but if they really hate each other, they'll either lie or use their fear against each other. Should be fun.
Finn is playing with dolls with the faces of all the glee kids on them and yes, it's as creepy as it sounds. I think he's supposed to be...choreographing? But, I don't understand how posing dolls helps with that. Blaine comes in and Finn seems all happy to see him and asks how the recovery of their trophy is going. Finn, this guy cheated on your step-brother, I feel like you should have some feelings about that and being happy to see him isn't what I had in mind. Finn is a bit slow though so maybe he forgot. Blaine admits that he's thinking of defecting back to the Warblers. Finn tries to convince him to stay but Blaine whines about how everything here reminds him of Kurt and he's gone and wah wah wah, he's so hurt. Guess you shouldn't have cheated on your one true love then, huh asshole? I don't even like Kurt that much I just can't with this emotional drivel expecting me to side with a cheater with no real good reason for it. Finn says he's the gel that holds them together, because Blaine uses lots of hair gel, get it? But Blaine seems to have made up his mind to go back to Dalton.
Marley approaches Kitty and says she can't do the duet with her. Kitty snarks that she must be intimidated because her singing voice is crystal clear while Marley sounds like she has a snot bubble in the back of her throat. Kitty then clarifies that she doesn't think that, it's just what everyone says. This is the snarky bitch Kitty that I can get behind. Unfortunately, we have to delve back into ED land so content warning, we're about to talk about sensitive topics again. Marley admits that the reason she doesn't want to do the duet is that she doesn't want to wear a clingy body suit which is super fair. But Marley, you don't have to wear a bodysuit, I know it's the thing but you can wear whatever you want as a super hero. You could wear a dress with a cape. It doesn't have to be tights. Kitty asks her if she's still making herself puke while again, showing the fingers used to do it which is so grossly dangerous and instructional for a show aimed at teens who will see skinny rail Marley being self-conscious about being fat and look at their more average body and think they're a whale. I speak from experience here. Stories like this need to be handled soooooo carefully and we all know that RIB are not the writers to tackle this subject with nuance or any amount of empathy. They think teenaged girls having eating disorders is hilarious and not a gross systemic problem that is destroying young women's self-confidence in themselves. I hate this, is what I'm saying. Kitty offers to help her pick out her costume and promises to tell her if she looks fat and cancel the performance. Marley buys this and I just...I really don't get Kitty's endgame here. Like, I get that she's mad that Marley seems to have stolen her boyfriend from her but she's like manipulating Marley into having an eating disorder to what? Kill her? Isn't that a bit much? What is her damage? And befriending Marley to achieve this is also counterintuitive to me but whatever.
Sam is doing a Bane impression for reasons unknown but it's honestly very spot on and funny so I'll allow it. Am I favoring Sam because he's my favourite? Yes. Get off my back about it. They're in the work out room and Jake hands Ryder a piece of paper with his fear written on it. Ryder shoves it back at him saying that he should be a man and just tell him. So, Jake does. His kryptonite is that he doesn't fit in anywhere because he's half black, half white, and half Jewish and...that math doesn't math but you get it. He's mixed race so everyone seems to hate him. He's too white for the blacks and too black for the whites and we get a montage of people being rude to him...including my man Stoner Brett. NOOOOO, Brett!! You were the chosen one. You were supposed to unite us not divide us!!
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| How could you, Stoner Brett? J'accuse, indeed |
Jake asks what Ryder's kryptonite is but Ryder doesn't want to say which is a total loser move. Jake calls him out on his manly posturing and asks if he'll man up too. Ryder finally admits that he made Jake read him the note because he can't read. Oops.
Kitty emerges in her Femme Fatale outfit but it's just Catwoman. They clearly wanted to go with the Kitty theme for her but knew they'd get dinged for using copyrighted heroes so they just...did it anyway but knock off costumes and weirdly different name. She tells Marley to come out but she's all nervous. Kitty tells her to uncross her arms and it's revealed that Marley is wearing a belt that says WF on it. She says it's for Wallflower because that's how she feels but Kitty tells her that she looks hot. She asks if her mom made the costume for her and then insists that she's going to buy her outfits from now on so that she can show off her hot body and then says they're going to slay their song. She also tells her that WF stands for Woman Fierce now. I know I said I didn't understand Kitty's motivation before but now I'm really confused. She...gave Marley an ED so that she'd puke lots but then she's also trying to build up her confidence because...???
Anyway, we segue right into the song and they do indeed kill it. It's the song Kitty chose from earlier so I guess Marley went along with it. She seems very confident here and they even hug at the end to further my confusion. Are they supposed to be becoming friends now or is this some further psychotic plot by Kitty? Finn is excited that they did well and hails teamwork like Jesse did for science on Breaking Bad. Brittany brings up the fact that Blaine Warbler is missing and Finn has to admit that he's going back to Dalton.
Jake approaches Finn about Ryder and we cut to Finn leading Ryder into a classroom where a resource teacher is waiting for them. Ryder is offended that he'd need special education and thinks Jake should have kept his mouth shut. Finn tells him to have a seat because he should find out why he studies all the time and never gets better. Ryder reluctantly goes through the tests. The teacher lady is distracting because she reminds me of Tina Fey but it's not Tina Fey. Anyway, after a montage of him trying to read her cards we find out that he has dyslexia. Ryder tells Finn and he starts to give this passionate speech about how much everyone said he was lazy or needed to try harder but how he knew he was just stupid and it was really moving until he got to this part about how they separate you into groups when you're younger and how everyone knows that there's a smart kid group and a dumb kid group and guess which group he's in? TRACK THREE!!! I'm so sorry but I cracked up at this point. That's not what he said but it reminded me of Daniel's manipulative speech to guilt trip Lindsay into helping him cheat on Freaks and Geeks because it sounded a lot like this and so I shouted "track three" at the screen while Ryder is crying and started cackling because I'm a horrible person but seriously.
Ryder: Dude, you learn to read when you're six. When you're six; That's first grade. Then they separate you into these levels. They don't tell you that's what they're doing, but everyone knows who's in the smart group and who's in the dumb one.
Finn tells Ryder that he's not stupid, his brain just works a bit differently and that he's going to be fine. Ryder thanks Finn for his help but Finn says he owes Jake which makes Ryder think.
We cut to the lunch room where Jake is being very friendly to Marley's mom. He complements her on how she looks and she admits she lost 6lbs this month. He tells her she looks great and she betrays her daughter and says that she talks about him all the time. Jake admits he blew it with her but Marley's mom encourages him to keep trying. Some assholes come up and start harassing Marley's mom and Jake and I take offense. He threatens to beat them up but oops, they actually have way more guys with them than Jake thought and they want to do some damage as payback. For what? I don't know or don't remember. Ryder steps in and tells them to back off though. Some of the super hero glee club members and Becky also back him up and the football guys scatter claiming they have better things to do. Jake asks why Ryder helped him and Ryder essentially says that since Jake had his back, now he's got Jake's. This is nice development. Too bad this show hates having friends on it for too long.
We cut to LA where Puck is apparently a super hero too but like on the Hollywood walk of fame as one of those street photo ops or whatever. A busker basically. Jake calls him and asks him for advice about handling the whole liking Marley situation since now he doesn't hate Ryder and feels bad about moving in on her when he likes her too. Puck encourages him to not give up and also not to be a dick, but just sit back and let her come to him. I'm honestly shocked that he's so level headed considering they usually make him the gross, has sex with everyone he can no matter what type.
Sam confronts Blaine about leaving for Dalton and calls him out on punishing himself. He asks what he did that was so bad and Blaine admits that he cheated with a lighthouse or rather he cheated on someone who catfished as a lighthouse. It's actually just some guy who they blur his face for and he makes a comment about how Blaine might be mad that he doesn't look like his profile pic, which if you'll all remember was a lighthouse. Is my comical assessment really that crazy if it's sort of canon? Anyway, it was just a dude who friended him on Facebook and he felt like Kurt was moving on and essentially punished Kurt for having a life outside of him. For real, he was mad that he felt left behind but that's so lame. Sam is taken in by Blaine's whole story about having to cheat to see that he really did want to be with Kurt, bless his heart, and encourages Blaine to tell Kurt that. He basically did and Kurt told him that the trust is broken which is true. It doesn't matter why Blaine cheated or that he feels bad about it, how is Kurt supposed to trust him now? Sam says that if Kurt won't forgive Blaine, he has to find a way to forgive himself and move on. Sam gives him some real advice because honestly, Sam is the heart of this season and I wish the show had recognized this and made him the lead. I'm never going to get what I want though. Sam asks Blaine to give him a day to see if he really wants to leave and we segue into Sam singing Heroes by David Bowie but I know it as by one of my favourite bands, The Wallflowers which I think was the real inspo for this cover. Sam kills it and I wish he sang the whole song, he was even giving it a bit of the Bob Dylan twang (if you didn't know, his son, Jakob Dylan is the lead singer and guitarist for The Wallflowers and his voice sounds a lot like his dad's). Then Blaine jumps in and he isn't the right fit for this. Is it my Blaine disdain showing? Probably but I hate his voice on this song. GIVE SAM THIS SONG AS A SOLO! Give Sam any solo, I'm begging them. He has been killing it and they keep pushing the mediocre male singers to the forefront *cough*Ryder and Blaine*cough*. I would've killed for Sam's grungy Celebrity Skin energy on the hard parts of Heroes. Instead we get Blaine's weak poppy voice. Ugh. Anyway, we get a montage of the whole gang working together to paint over graffiti. Then Sam asks him what his decision is and Blaine says he wants to do one last mission.
We cut to Dalton where Hunter bursts into the Warbler's room to find the Nationals trophy missing. Blaine has left behind a blazer and a note saying "no thanks" which enrages Hunter. We get cheesy 60s era Batman music as Sam and Blaine run away from the school in their costumes. It's kind of cute.
Next up, we get Ryder letting Marley know that he actually can't take her out on Friday like he boasted about to Jake at the beginning of the episode. Marley asks why and he tells her he has to study which she takes as a blow off. He further clarifies that he has an appointment with the dyslexia specialist Saturday morning so he has to go right home after the game. He says that he's excited about finally being able to do better and tells her that he really wants to be able to hand his dad an A this semester. Marley is disappointed but seems to understand. Ryder makes it clear that he really wants to hang out with her too and even asks her out next Friday. We're just talking about characters here so I want you to remember this. He bared himself to her, told her about his school issues, his dyslexia, that he's excited and motivated to get an A for his parents, and also made it clear that he still wants to go out with her. He even made plans with her. Nothing was up in the air here. They have plans to go out on a different night, I want you to remember this. Marley agrees to this.
Kitty then comes up behind Marley and starts feeding her little things to make her self-conscious. She says that "I need to study" means he's clearly not that into her. She also notes that people are saying that Marley looks bloated, not that she thinks it of course, it's just what other people are saying. Marley doesn't seem to take the bait this time but says that her old self would sit at home but not her new improved super hero self. She marches over to Jake and asks what he's doing Friday and he says taking her on a date. Marley walks off smiling while Kitty looks on in disgusted confusion. I mean...earlier she was giving her that confidence boost so why is she shocked at this? I know she was just tearing her down now but still. It's kind of funny but also? Wow, Marley kind of sucks. That was shady as hell. I actually feel bad for Ryder even though Blake Jenner can get bent, for all I care. But Ryder as a character just wanted to do better in school after being put in track 3 all his life. TRACK THREE!! Ok, I'm done but Marley still sucks.
Sam is telling everyone how awesome it was to steal back the trophy and Blaine apologizes for ever thinking of leaving McKinley. He then presents Finn with the trophy and they all cheer Finn who didn't really do anything. Even he looks baffled by all the fan fare for him. Blaine says he's the uniter of friends but like...Sam is right there Blaine. Sam is the one who encouraged you, reached out, and brought you back. Sam is the uniter of friends. I WILL NOT REST UNTIL SAM IS GIVEN THE RESPECT HE DESERVES. Anyway, Tina gives Finn a utility belt that's actually a fanny pack. Inside he finds a pack of new markers because he couldn't find any earlier, some pepto bismol for his nerves, I guess, a severed doll's head from Brittany, and a treble clef pin. Finn then rounds everyone up and thanks them. He also says that they're going to win Sectionals, Regionals, and then Nationals and this will be the best year for their glee club ever. Oh my sweet summer child. They cheer, not yet knowing what is to come next week.
We cut to the glee club performing Some Nights by fun. It's a really fun song that my brain always mixes together with Cecilia by Paul Simon. Look it up, I swear to you, you too will start to sing one and then switch to the other because it's fun. To be clear, I don't think they sound identical, they just have matching beat patterns and styles of singing. My only notes are that Sam sounds awesome, Marley makes funny faces but sounds good on this, and I just realized that every single time Joe has had a line in a song it's had something to do with religion or souls and I find that hilarious. He won the Glee Project and the only thing they could think of for him is he has locs and loves Jesus, let's give him the church-y lines in songs. Other than this, they forget he exists. As it should be, sorry Joe. And that's a rap on Dynamic Duets.
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| Sam is the MVP of this episode Sam is the MVP period. |
I don't know how to feel about this episode because the songs were good but hampered by some weak voices or ill-fitting voices. The storylines were not bad and I think it's neat that they included a plot about a kid struggling with reading issues discovering finally that he has dyslexia even if I broke down laughing because it reminded me of a different show. The superhero stuff was really dumb and call me a grump because I just couldn't get into it. Were some of the bits cute? I guess but there's no payoff, it just comes across like "this is a wacky crazy thing they're into" but you know it's never coming up again so what's the point of this? It's dumb. That being said, I'm not as mad as I was last episode but we don't get any New York stuff so I'm sad. I'll say this is a mid episode with some good songs. Next week though...oh god, next week. We have to endure the horror that is Finn's idea of a good Sectionals set in Thanksgiving.
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